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Question
Posted by: Mandy | 2011/02/02

Alcoholic Father

Dear Doc

I wrote before about my selfish alcoholic father that''s involved with the Loan Sharks. Anyway I did some research and he just had to open a case against them and everything was gonna be fine. He refused to do it and lied non stop to me about it. Anyway he has been living all over I suppose coz I said I cannot help him if he doesn''t want to help himself. In fact he looks like a ''hobo” . He rocked up my place again yesterday, drunk as a lord. Told me he is done with the Loan Sharks and he needs a place to stay. He told me he will get his ID and Bank Card today. Well he has been lying so much, I have no idea should I believe him or not. He upsets the whole house (hubby and 2 children) when he is sober. In fact I think he is worse when he is sober. Overrides hubby, dictating to my children and the list is endless. I promised myself I am gonna give tough love and told him he cannot stay as he is DRUNK AGAIN. He should come back when he is sober coz I feel he doesn''t respect us. Always come drunk. He practically begged me, but I refused to give in. As it is we do not have a “ spare bed”  for him to sleep on. When he is so drunk, he “ wee”  all over and we had to throw that bed away coz the “ pee”  stench was dreadful. He has been staying with us since my mom passed away 7 years ago on and off........Sold his house under my nose and drank ALL the money out. Even stole from me to support his habit. Also endless list. However I think I need to help him. I need a “ home”  where I can put him in. I cannot afford nothing at this point in time. He is a pensioner and get a government grant every month which goes to the loan sharks. I am not gonna tackle the loan sharks as I tried it before and he doesn''t want to help. So I have been thinking of putting him in a home. Where he can STAY sober coz all he does is drink his grant out and after wards he is my problem. My hubby doesn''t really want to help coz when my father is so drunk he starts swearing my husband, well and me, but hubby is his target. Please can you tell me who can I contact and will they be able to take him in. Some AA or something, but like I said, finances are really tough, if he can stay sober for months, the loan sharks will come to an end, coz he will not go back as his drinking problem will be gone. He can be gone for 5-6 months, rest assured he will be back and the stress will start again. Hubby and children will come to me with this and I cannot under no circumstances stress anymore. Diabetes and High Blood. Doc warned me to STAY AWAY from stress. BTW, we are 5 children, but I am HIS only child........The other siblings are from a different father and THEY REFUSE to help out coz he is so rude and he stays drunk. Also he know he CANNOT go to non of them, they will chase him away like a dog. I have been his victim for the past 7 years. My marriage will fall apart if I let my father come stay by us AGAIN. I don''t think hubby will survive my father anymore, drunk or sober. As for me...I will never survive the pressure. Please help

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

If he can afford to get drunk, he can afford to start paying off his debts, and to bring a case.
It may be hard to be sure when he is lying ; he may well believe his own lies. Which makes them harder to detect.
Ask AA / Al-Anon for advice, but I think at least in some provinces there may be some facilities, to which an alcoholic &/or drug addict who is in trouble with the law, can be sent by a magistrate's court. He needs, I suppose, somewhere, where the govt grant can go to the institution, so it can pay for some of what he needs, leting him have no cash with which to buy the booze. Its pointless for government grants to waste public money buying booze for boozers.
Absolutely, your first priority must be your own health and well-being, andf that of your own pprsonal family. You do NOT owe it to him to help him remain a drunkard. Don't feel so responsible for suh a persistently irresponsible person.

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4
Our users say:
Posted by: Chris | 2011/02/03

Kick him to the curb, he is uselss. He will eventually self destruct and that will be that. How you are affected by that depends on how close or far you keep him.

Reply to Chris
Posted by: Outsider | 2011/02/03

You should definately start putting you and your immediate household family first. Otherwise you stand a chance of losing your husband eventually and causing further strain to your health.

You are probably extremely concerned about your father so perhaps you should visit this website and seek help

aasouthafricadotorgdotza

You have to be cruel to be kind
Good luck

Reply to Outsider
Posted by: Yes | 2011/02/02

feel for you. but stay strong and don''t let him stay with you. Shrinky''s advice to contact your local AA office or Alanon is sound advice...

Reply to Yes
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/02/02

If he can afford to get drunk, he can afford to start paying off his debts, and to bring a case.
It may be hard to be sure when he is lying ; he may well believe his own lies. Which makes them harder to detect.
Ask AA / Al-Anon for advice, but I think at least in some provinces there may be some facilities, to which an alcoholic &/or drug addict who is in trouble with the law, can be sent by a magistrate's court. He needs, I suppose, somewhere, where the govt grant can go to the institution, so it can pay for some of what he needs, leting him have no cash with which to buy the booze. Its pointless for government grants to waste public money buying booze for boozers.
Absolutely, your first priority must be your own health and well-being, andf that of your own pprsonal family. You do NOT owe it to him to help him remain a drunkard. Don't feel so responsible for suh a persistently irresponsible person.

Reply to cybershrink

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