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Question
Posted by: Shelley | 2010/02/13

Alcoholic

My husband is an alcoholic, has been all his life. A couple of years ago we separated and started divorce proceedings (started by him). He promised to get his act together, which he kinda did, but now it has started again, just as bad as it was before, he told me that he hates me and wants me out of his life! He has been to AA, and cannot stop drinking, even though he hates the drinking, he drinks very heavily every day. I don' t know where to turn. My kids and I cannot handle it, we know he has an illness, but that does not make it any easier. Does he mean wot he says? Do we get divorced? Your opinion PLEASE!

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Our expert says:
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Greetings

At least you know what his problem is: alcoholism. If he does not arrest this illness immediately, it will get worse.

Before thinking about divorce, you should sit down with him and suggest treatment. He has tried going to AA, which works, IF you work it.

However, if you're just going to sit in meetings and continue drinking on the side, it's meaningless.

He needs urgent intervention and professional care so that he can stop drinking. His alcoholism has progressed to such an extent that he doesn't even care what he's doing to you and your children.

He hates you one day, loves you another, wants a divorce and so forth. These are the insane actions of someone whose life is unmanageable.

You will need to contact a support group as well, as it will help you to speak to other people who are in the same situation.

ALANON will be the best choice, they have meetings all over South Africa. Regarding your husband, contact Ruby on ruby@harmonyclinic.co.za or Tel: 021 790 7779

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: John | 2010/03/17

Hi Ingrid,

Thanks :)

I have to admit thought I could not care less about my step dad, I do worry about my mother but for now I am trying to live my life to the fullest.

Shane you are right I do not understand alcoholics. As a student I went out drinking with my mates, but whenever I had major stress or something bad happens to me, I go to the source of the problem and try to sort it out. I don''t grab a bottle and try to forget about the problem, I don''t like my brain being in a useless state rather work on the problem.

Again Shane, I am not saying you are like this, but that''s what my step dad used to do. If there were debt/money issues he would drink and then just moan about the problems. My mom on the other hand worked out a budget to try and see where we can save money.

Reply to John
Posted by: Ingrid | 2010/03/17

That''s all very well and good Shane but I think you are missing the point. As far as I understand, John''s point is that until such time as an alcoholic does change there is no need to ruin the lives of those around you. If you have a problem you are trying to fix and keep failing then it''s your problem. Don''t inflict the already selfish habits of an alcoholic on others.
Alcoholics feed off other peoples sympathy, transferring their discomfort onto others.
I wish you well in getting better Shane, but until then, remember that it''s YOUR problem.
John, remember that you are not alone. Happiness is possible after what you have been through. I hope our mom see''s the light as life is so short to have any regrets!

Reply to Ingrid
Posted by: Shane | 2010/03/16

John, if you were never an alcoholic yourself you''ll never understand what''s going on to his life. I''m saying that because I also need help here as an alcoholic. You can''t say he won''t change, I know the feeling of wanting to change but you lose.We alcoholics would love to be like you guys who do not drink,but it is not easy,it is difficult.

Reply to Shane
Posted by: John | 2010/03/15

Shelley, GET OUT OF THERE!!!

He will never change and studies have shown that its better for kids to have divorced parents than be part of a family such as you describe.

I am talking from experience, my step dad is an alcoholic,but my mom won''t divorce him because of there idiotic religious believes. When I finished school I moved out I am 24 now and I hardly ever go to her house if he is there. My brother also moved out and he stays away permanently.

Even if its just for the kids get away from him. I remember during my school years I never brought friends over cause I was afraid he would start drinking and causing trouble again.

He won''t change if he cared at all for you he would have changed a long time ago. Sorry for the harsh statement but I do not like alcoholics at all!

Reply to John
Posted by: Ingrid | 2010/03/14

Get out of there now. It doesn''t get any better.
You will spend the rest of your life taking care of what can only be his responsibility.
You and your children deserve better. The thought of starting over and living without all that tension is far worse than going though with it.
Believe me, you won''t look back.
Alcoholics are the most selfish individuals who eventually bring everyone around them down to their level.
Happiness does not come knocking on the door. You have to go and find it. Good luck!

Reply to Ingrid
Posted by: Addictions expert forum | 2010/02/14

Greetings

At least you know what his problem is: alcoholism. If he does not arrest this illness immediately, it will get worse.

Before thinking about divorce, you should sit down with him and suggest treatment. He has tried going to AA, which works, IF you work it.

However, if you're just going to sit in meetings and continue drinking on the side, it's meaningless.

He needs urgent intervention and professional care so that he can stop drinking. His alcoholism has progressed to such an extent that he doesn't even care what he's doing to you and your children.

He hates you one day, loves you another, wants a divorce and so forth. These are the insane actions of someone whose life is unmanageable.

You will need to contact a support group as well, as it will help you to speak to other people who are in the same situation.

ALANON will be the best choice, they have meetings all over South Africa. Regarding your husband, contact Ruby on ruby@harmonyclinic.co.za or Tel: 021 790 7779

Reply to Addictions expert forum

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