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Posted by: Alba | 2009/01/13

Alcohol and separation/divorce

Hi
I am 38 yrs old and have two sons aged 12 and 14, I have been married for 15 years to an alcoholic. I have tried over the last 15 yrs to stand by him with his addiction, have been to couselling, al anon, and have now come to that point in my life where I would like to move on. I have on numerous occasions confronted him about his drinking problem but to no avail in terms of counselling he went for two sessions and decided that he does not like to speak to people about his problems and would stop drinking on his own, needless to say does not work. We have also tried marriage counselling to no avail. His responses to me about his drinking is that he enjoys it and thats the way it is. He goes to the pub every night and runs up a bar tab every month, comes home drunk every night in front of his children passes out on the couch or purposely picks a fight with me or the boys, he always uses comments such as he is depressed he is not in happy place right now. For the past 3 months now I have bascially detached myself from him, we do not communicate, unless we have to, I have become resentful towards him he irritates me, we are not intimate at all and I don' t want to be. I have come to realise that I want out, I am tired of the promises and I don' t love him anymore. I just don' t know how to approach him and tell him that I want a separation as in actual fact if there is no hope then I want a divorce I am the type of person that hates conflict but I know that this has to be done.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

A trouble with many alcoholics, is that "standing by them" may actually encourage them to carry on drinking and avoiding proper treatment, because they feel there's someone else to always mend what they break. BY all means go to counselling for your own sake, but no amount of activity by you will stop him drinking --- only he can do that.
Most alcoholics like that big-headed lie that they will stop on their own, and dont do so. Clearly, he refuses to take any responsibility with his choice to drink whatever the consequences for you and the children. Explore your options with a counsellor if necessary, but do what is best for you and the children --- leave him to care for himself, or not, as he wishes

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: MA MBO | 2009/04/20

I HAVE KEPT MY SELF STILL IN A CORNER OF MY WORLD, DEPRESSED ANGRY ASHAMED THINKING THAT AM THE ONE WHO GOES THROUGH THIS ALONE VE BEEN MARRIED 4 YEARS OUR SON IS 3 YEARS AND I HAVE SEEN IT ALL THAT YOU HAVE IN 15 YEARS. AM ALSO THINKING OF MOVING OUT

Reply to MA MBO
Posted by: Much sympathy | 2009/01/13

Oh so sorry to hear about your problem. With a alkie you have got no chance and seemingly he has had his. Remember, you only have one life and you deserve to live it in happiness with your kids. Why waste your life on a guy like that, a loser and a selfish slob. You are still young enough to get out and make a life for yourself. Cut him out and forget about him. Don' t fall prey to his begging and pleading to come back to him or fall for the old " its for the kids"  story. Why allow him to ruin your life ? Get going girl , get a good lawyer and get the papers served !!

Reply to Much sympathy
Posted by: Anon child | 2009/01/13

My advice would be to get out. My mom stayed just until my sybling finished and then divorced. She is now happier than ever. They never change.

I am married with two kids and am struggling now for the 4th time with my dad. I drinks so much, stops eating. He gets to a stage were all his minerals are so low and then passes out and brakes something. Then ends up in hospital and recovery for a few months. Then it goes on and starts all over again. I am at my wits end and don' t know what else I can do more to encourange and help him get better. I spoke to the doctor now myself and he informed me that he has liver failure too. The fact is they don' t accept help unless they really decide for them selfs they want to get better. At this stage I, as a child, feel like I am only waiting for him to die and there is nothing I can do, and I really don' t want him to die.

It is a very bad example, especially for your teen sons.

I would love to hear what CS says as I could use some guidance also.

Reply to Anon child

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