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Posted by: johan | 2012/10/08

aids at 50

Good day,

I had my story on this site some months ago. recap, we had no sex for years i went along and did the wrong thing and got aids.
my wife still refuses to go for treatment to overcome this. Mentally i am ok. I just cant live like this anymore she is always upset and the blame game starts and the onbious tht I didnt use a condom. I cant turn this around. I can go on having some fte everyweek. can anybody give me some advice pls she has to go or except it at some point.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I remember your sad story.
Neither of you are happy as things are - that's probably the most important point.
She was selfish to deny you sex for so many years, and if this was caused by some psych problem she had, she should have gone for treatment for her own benefit, as well as yours.
But its also very understandable that she will be even more reluctant both due to the HIV/AIDS issue and due to the infidelity issue.
I disagree with Susan to the extent that to deny one's spouse any sex for years on end is in itself selfish and abusive, and though not justifying infidelity, certainly makes it highly understandable. Its unfair and inaccurate to insist on viewing her as an entirely blameless victim here.
Both of you made mistakes, and it seems that you're the only one who regrets them.
Isn't i9t time to consider divorce ? Is it possible that each of you could be happier separately than you are together ?

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12
Our users say:
Posted by: Susan | 2012/10/09

Romany, you GO girl!!

Hollywood, I hope you are as patient, understanding and forgiving if this same thing EVER happens to you, more specially if you have been in a long term marriage, and dont think it wont - men will always be men!

Reply to Susan
Posted by: Romany | 2012/10/09

To the poster without the name.
Never will I wish AIDS on someone. Not even someone so idiotic to have unprotected sex with a stranger.
I am saying he deserves the blame from his wife. I sincerely wonder why she has not left him yet.
As for you, people condemning extra marital sex with strangers, unprotected. YOU make me SICK.

Reply to Romany
Posted by: To : TO ROMANY | 2012/10/09

C O N D O M E ??????? Ever hear of them? Those plastic things the government gives out for FREE?

Reply to To : TO ROMANY
Posted by: TO ROMANY | 2012/10/09

Romany, who are you to say that someone deserves AIDS? Who do you think you are to put that on someone? People make MISTAKES- are you perfect? Johan had one act of adultery- not like he was running around screwing everything in a skirt! Righteous people like you make me SICK.

Reply to TO ROMANY
Posted by: Romany | 2012/10/08

Johan, YOU stuffed up here and YOU deserve everything coming your way.
Levae your wife (and you will probably loose the kids and the rest of your family too) move on to someone that will understand your " status" and let your wife live her life.
I agree 100% with Susan... me, I would have kicked your cheating XXX out long time.

Reply to Romany
Posted by: johan | 2012/10/08

thx everybody for the contributions.

Reply to johan
Posted by: johan | 2012/10/08

Hello Holywood, its johan. yes communication has always been a problem. I have tried to respect my wife over the years. I always tried to think that sex is not everything, and tried to satisfy my neeeds mentally. you are spot on, on all the things you say. let me tellthis forum, you can sleep with the pasters wife but you dont know where the paster was sleeping.(just a saying) with all the years without that final touch of love it justed needed that bit of attention from somebody, by the way a lady, to pull me into that one minute and this wasnt a " pay as you go"  yes i crusified myself correct, its very painfull believe me and i really didnt want this to happen to my wife i love her with everything thats why I satyed without sex. yes I wish I knew how to fix it and how can i get her to deal with it, it really sucks, what more can i say. just the medicine alone is hell by itself.

Reply to johan
Posted by: Hollywood | 2012/10/08

Susan, I am a 25 year old female.

I don''t scream " Poor Johan" , as you will not that I have stated that I can imagine how his wife feels.

What I am saying is this- JOHAN is the one who is feeling the regret of messing up. JOHAN is the one who has contracted AIDS. He has tried to make amends, the wife doesn''t want too. Why can''t Johan feel hurt at this too? Is the wife perfect?

The wife could have brought up the sex issue as well, instead of just assuming everything would be the same way forever and a day.

Communication was and obviously is still a problem, but if the wife does not want to make amends, why must Johan torture himself by staying with her?


The wife, well after not having sex with him for so many years, what is she upset about? I''m sorry if you are offended by this, but I am a realistic woman. I doubt it''s that she suddenly wanted to sleep with him again. Her feelings may be hurt and betrayl at his actions, but EVERYONE makes a mistake and you can bet Johan is paying for it, and will continue to pay for it, every day.

Why is it necessary to keep bringing it up? The wife refuses to seek help and deal with it and instead prefers to drag Joahn down. In my books, that''s emotional abuse!

Imagine you make a mistake, and your partner keeps bringing it up. I would sure as hell get angry and upset- how are you supposed to move on and accept your mistakes if the very person who is supposed to love you unconditionally doesn''t do this? If Johan DIDN''T feel regret, or if he went outside the marriage if they were having sex, then I''d be singing a different tune.

Confucious said " Don''t be ashamed of your mistakes and thus make them crimes" .

Everyone makes mistakes, bottom line. The important part is how you deal with it.

Reply to Hollywood
Posted by: Susan | 2012/10/08

What is fte by the way?

Johan, I''m a newbie on this forum so didnt see your former post but heres my input on what I read here. What you did is over but the consequences of your behaviour will NEVER BE OVER .... accept it.

Your wife has every right to feel the way she does. I bet that neither of you discussed your sexless marriage and as its you that seemed to have such a problem with it YOU should have communicated this to your wife before getting your jollies WITHOUT A CONDOM elsewhere.

To Hollywood and Linus, I can only assume that you are both men as your response screams:- " Poor bloody Johan!"  No empathy for his wife whatsoever. Hope and pray she didnt have sex with her philandering husband before she knew the facts. She is also possibly 50ish and for this to happen at this stage of her life is sacrilege and I suppose she brought up his children too. Does she deserve this treatment? I dont think so.

Sounds like your marriage is over Johan (it would be if I was your wife), and your wife must now concentrate only on herself and getting her life back together. I would leave you in a cloud of dust and never look back.

Johan crucified himself anyway!

Reply to Susan
Posted by: Linus | 2012/10/08

Spot on Hollywood - Johan you made a mistake, admitted it and apologised. Move on  theres no point in getting crucified for it as well..

Reply to Linus
Posted by: Hollywood | 2012/10/08

Johan, it may be better to take a break. She obviously isn''t coping, you obviously aren''t happy... why are you still together?

I can understand how she feels (and I won''t type it here because I am sure you understand too) but she should also understand how YOU feel. Her feelings seem to be selfish, I mean if you didn''t have sex for YEARS what does she expect?

Maybe it is time to find someone who accepts you and is supportive.

Reply to Hollywood
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/10/08

I remember your sad story.
Neither of you are happy as things are - that's probably the most important point.
She was selfish to deny you sex for so many years, and if this was caused by some psych problem she had, she should have gone for treatment for her own benefit, as well as yours.
But its also very understandable that she will be even more reluctant both due to the HIV/AIDS issue and due to the infidelity issue.
I disagree with Susan to the extent that to deny one's spouse any sex for years on end is in itself selfish and abusive, and though not justifying infidelity, certainly makes it highly understandable. Its unfair and inaccurate to insist on viewing her as an entirely blameless victim here.
Both of you made mistakes, and it seems that you're the only one who regrets them.
Isn't i9t time to consider divorce ? Is it possible that each of you could be happier separately than you are together ?

Reply to cybershrink

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