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Question
Posted by: Eugene | 2012/07/02

AGING PARENT

How does one firmly approach - yet with sensitivity - the relocating of a currently very independent but physically very fragile 82 yr old parent fixed on not moving from own living space and driving (both activities cardiologist has warned against) - selective memory loss on agreeing is causing major stress in the relationship as I am the only involved child due to region living in. I think the usual glass of wine at night might be turning into more than " just one" ? Don''t think rationally any more as am also trying to come to terms with the death of my spouse 5 months ago. What makes it so difficult is the fact that she is just not your average old lady in all other ways!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Rather than arguing from the start about the proposed solution ( which is what one most naturally and easily often does ) one can start by discussing the problem - acknowledging that you and her both greatly value your own and each other's independence, how frightening and threatening it is as one begins to become physically frail. Ask what she proposes as better ways of handling the situation and her cardiologists advie ( so you are both trying to dealwith his expert advice, together, rather than pitting her against you ) - that her driving has become dodgy and a risk to herself and others; and her ability to live independently is nor becoming marginal.
Talk about memory loss - how you're just beginning to notice it in yourself, and how insidious it is, and you generally dont remember what or that you didn't remember
Emphasize how admirable she is, how difficult it is for you to still deal with the loss of your spouse ( or was it hers ? And ho, though there is no ideal solution, you want to find a solution that is most suitable, soon, while she can still play an active part in the decision and the process.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Eugene | 2012/07/03

thank you for both opinions and advice - will try (I''m the one who lost my husband - and am just now coming out of having cared for him 24h in each and every need for a full 5 months of being paralysed and unable to speak or move due to spreading cancer of the brain) which is not helping in this situation.

Reply to Eugene
Posted by: Purple | 2012/07/02

Have you taken her to see that a retirement home with an area for assisted living and frail care is not a movie version of an old age home?

That she would be around others her age who she could chat with, show her photos of her grandchildren.

That she would have more independence being there than being in her own home.

That there are kombi''s to take people to the shops on pensioner days to make use of discounts, people to do the cleaning.

We''ve had this issue with my mother in law. I am so grateful that my parents have already made plans to move to a retirment village in their 70''s and have chosen one that isn''t just a country club for younger retired people but does have frail care etc. My husband and I plan on making our plans this way too.

Perhaps try taking her around to a couple within her price range. There is a waiting list of a few years at most places, so point out that she wouldn''t need to go now (even though you want her to), but that you just want her to have a look and see how much independence she would gain by being somewhere suited to the needs of an older person.

Reply to Purple
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/07/02

Rather than arguing from the start about the proposed solution ( which is what one most naturally and easily often does ) one can start by discussing the problem - acknowledging that you and her both greatly value your own and each other's independence, how frightening and threatening it is as one begins to become physically frail. Ask what she proposes as better ways of handling the situation and her cardiologists advie ( so you are both trying to dealwith his expert advice, together, rather than pitting her against you ) - that her driving has become dodgy and a risk to herself and others; and her ability to live independently is nor becoming marginal.
Talk about memory loss - how you're just beginning to notice it in yourself, and how insidious it is, and you generally dont remember what or that you didn't remember
Emphasize how admirable she is, how difficult it is for you to still deal with the loss of your spouse ( or was it hers ? And ho, though there is no ideal solution, you want to find a solution that is most suitable, soon, while she can still play an active part in the decision and the process.

Reply to cybershrink

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