Posted by: Just asking | 2009-01-28

After divorce.The process

Every book I read on the subject is clear on one point. The grieving process after a divorce, irrespective of whether one was the " winner"  and the other the " loser"  or if it was a mutual agreement to split, each party, simply because that' s how humans are structured emotionally, will have to go through the " mourning process "  to achieve closure. No one escapes the " process"  as far as I can make out. Is this true or is it possible for the person who made the " first move"  so as to speak , to be forever immune from this feeling of loss/regret/abandonment that the other party may feel. Or is it likely that no matter what, the " winner"  will eventually get to have these sad feelings and will have to work through the process even though they may not feel bad immediately after the divorce ? I appreciate circumstances and personalities differ greatly, but to me the various writers on the subject seem to be so self assured by saying that no one can escape " the process" ?
What is the opinion out there ?

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Our expert says:
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If we have been significantly emotionally attached to anything, an object, person or relationship, then we inevitably react to its loss. Nobody is immune to that law. Some who appear to be immune are generally denying or ignoring uncomfortable aspects of it and avoiding the grief work, and very often have to work it out later, perhaps after over-reacting to a later more minor loss.
Sounds like you have experienced such a loss, consider yourself a "winner" and want re-assurance that it's OK to feel fine, and to expect to remain that way ?

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: Rick | 2009-01-29

Hi Just asking,

No one escapes the process, all that happens is that they delay the inevitable. As human beings we are hardwired with emotions, some deal with the pain now, some live it up and think that they are ' getting away'  with it....SORRY FOR THEM.

They invaribly get involved again very quickly with someone else, and thats when it all falls down for them, cause they havent dealt with their divorce.

All the articles on the internet and all the divorce books cannot be wrong!

If someone tells you that they did not feel any pain, hurst, stress etc is lying to save some face.

Best thing is to face it all now, do your crying, grieving, raging etc, then face the future with a positive attitude knowing that most of your issues are dealt with.

Best of luck...come and chat to us on the divorce forum, you will get some good support there.

Reply to Rick
Posted by: Anon | 2009-01-28

Hi Just asking.

Nobody is the winner in a divorce. The other party may seem like he/she is living it up, but that may be only the face he /she chooses to put on.

Dont look at the other party. Focus on yourself &  do what is good for you &  what makes you feel good and will help you.
Dont care about what he/she feels or not feel. Free yourself.

There is life after divorce. Where one chapter of your life closes, a whole new world opens up. I hope you will notice the world &  new opportunities &  grab it with both hands, then you will be the winner:))

All the best!

Reply to Anon
Posted by: Just asking | 2009-01-28

Hi Doc. Thanks for that. No actually I am the " loser"  and suffering. I was just wondering when or if ever the " winner"  is going to come unstuck with these feelings ,as that party is by all accounts living it up and on a high, while I am battling to get over it, but working through it and improving. It would somehow give me some peverse satisfication of sorts to get through the process, knowing the wheel will turn for that party at some stage !

Reply to Just asking

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