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Question
Posted by: Johnny | 2012/06/14

After 20 years blissful marriage my wife is a lesbian ...

My wife told me a sunny moerning we should divorce as she is a lesbian. 2 children (15 and 12) and twenty wonderful years this surprise. We are wealthy and life was good - so was our sex life and friendship! She has walked out and said I should handle the divorce which I am now doing after many Shrink consulktations that seemingly gave no direction. Her symptons are those characterised in a Mid Life Crisis and yes she should understand she has a problem before seeking remedy. The new Merc Cabriolet, the heavy boozing, the partying, the younger people clothes - replace entire wardrobe, minimal contact with old friends just the new clique, and spend - wow! She has told me she will not return and does not intend to. She is a professional person with her own company that does well but still spends my money! She left us and seen the kids a couple weeks ago - just not interested! She is moving to a new " pad"  for her and liefie monthend but no place for kids - but still wishes to fight for their custody but whre they going to stay? I have reached the tiping point and considered ending my ordeal but then realised there is no way she will care for my kids. This situation is not my fault and seemingly a fashion trend our soceity is going through. Yesterday we had a meeting to discuss the " divide"  she was told to pay 50% of kids medical contribution she refuses, she was told to pay 50% of school fees - she refuses, she is the best politician on teh circuit. Her liefie and her are using the same Legal Rep - he was barred in 2006 and is now guiding them .... Liefie is a married Mommy with two daughters also very successful business woman - but they have been on holiday more than working! And it doe snot stop! I thought I saw everything but Jerry Springer Show is in town! How do I get her away - I tried to reconcile for 2 months but nope - not interested! She is in party mode and has been celebrating her 43rd birthday the past three weeks - it is only on Saturday. I have decided to divorce for the sake of the kids - the emotional situation is very unfair on them. She told my son that mommy wants to meet a lady and be hapy with her for the rest of her life and love her like daddy loves mommy - something the child will not forget nor trust a woman ever again - how can we get her to " wake up"  from her current dream - taking her back not this week .... but she is on a road of self destruction and yes I do love her very much and wish to help her but really this new person is uncontrollable! Inputs appreciated. Thank you

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Gosh, she took rather a long time to decide she was lesbian. Presumably, as you say your sex life with her was good, she is perhaps bisexual.
Divorce sounds like a sensible option, and you'll need good legal advice, of course. A shrink, in such situations, usually would not tell you what to do - you have to make your own decisions He might guide you by asking a number of pertinent questions, explore with you the consequences of various options, and so on. But our aim would be to help you make good decisions, rather than to make them for you.
The behaviour you describe sounds like someone old enough to know better, behaving foolishly and potentially self-destructively, and not considering the consequences for herself and others. And that works fine so long as someone else pays all the bills. It wouldn't seem half as much fun if the money was running out. At least stop her spending a cent more of your money on this foolishness ( you are under no obligation to sponsor it ) YOu don't say what profession she belongs to, but at the least her practice of whatever it is will surely suffer if she continues behaving in this way.
Behaving as irresponsibly as this ( especially if you can get evidence of this ) and making no provision for the children to stay with her, and refusing to pay her share of their reasonable expenses, would surely enable you to fight vigorously to get custody of the children, for their own benefit.
How can her legal rep be someone who was disbarred ? Or has he been re-admitted to practice ?
It sounds as though yo have done your best to persuade her to change her mind, and you can't take responsibility for this - she has the right to be foolish. But not at your expense, or that of the children. And its likely that the harder you try to persuade her that these plans are daft, the more firmly she will stick to them.
LOok after yourself and the children, get the court to refuse her custody and to require her to pay appropriate maintenance, based on her normal earnings, not on any depleted sum she chooses to earn now when it suits her.
The only realistic chance she might eventually change her mind is if she goes ahead as she plans, and finds it much less satisfying than she is assuming.


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6
Our users say:
Posted by: Kamala | 2012/07/04

things were moving too fast and he got scerad. Well he was the one who came back with me when I drove 500 miles to see him. My point is if you can figure it out is: Don''t move there or tell her you want to or even tell her you love her if you don''t mean it! Karma is a bitch and I feel pitty for all the men who do good women wrong guess that is why there are so many hatefull bitches in this world because men mess up the heads of the good women and well they just turn into the run of the mill evil she devils that were already pleagueing the earth. Hey guys keep it up and eventually WE will ALL be cold hearted because of your lies!

Reply to Kamala
Posted by: XXX | 2012/06/15

My ex has also turned to " lesbiansm"  at around age 44.We have been divorced for a good few years and now this.She says it is for the companionship as she has been hurt too often by men.
Quite frankly,being Bipolar,she hurt the cr*p out of me and I didn''t turn to being homosexual.
I know of a couple of situations like this &  read somewhere that once they cross the line they never revert back to normal hetrosexual relationships !

Reply to XXX
Posted by: Liza | 2012/06/15

You can''t force her to do anything she doesn''t want to do. And from what you''ve said, the problem lies with her and any counseling you attend should focus on accepting that you cannot change her. For her to expect you to finance her lifestyle is ludicrous. Cut her access to your money immediately. If you have a joint bank account, go open a seperate account and deposit all your money there from now on. Go see a lawyer to start divorce proceedings and gain custody of your children. No matter how good her legal counsel is, the courts look at what is in the best interests of the children - not a wayward parent who''s trying to dodge her responsibilities.

Keep a list of her interactions with the children. Make a note of when she calls or sees them as well as for how long. If you can prove a pattern of neglect since she left, her legal counsel will have a hard time trying to get her legal custody of the children. Her refusal to pay half of the expenses also counts in your favor.

Don''t feel intimidated by her legal counsel. It''s one of the biggest weapons that a lawyer has - intimidation. Yet it is also one of the flimsiest weapons - refuse to be intimidated and equal the playing field with your own intimidating lawyer.

Good Luck
Liza

Reply to Liza
Posted by: Romany | 2012/06/14

Just let her be. Give her her freedom, divorce her. BUT go the legal route.
It is very humiliating to beg someone to love you.....

Reply to Romany
Posted by: Jaco | 2012/06/14

That girl is toying with you and the kids - get away now and focus on kids - you will meet somebody 100 times better - mark my words! Be strong and good luck I was there and made it. Get rid of her now!!!!!!!

Reply to Jaco
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/06/14

Gosh, she took rather a long time to decide she was lesbian. Presumably, as you say your sex life with her was good, she is perhaps bisexual.
Divorce sounds like a sensible option, and you'll need good legal advice, of course. A shrink, in such situations, usually would not tell you what to do - you have to make your own decisions He might guide you by asking a number of pertinent questions, explore with you the consequences of various options, and so on. But our aim would be to help you make good decisions, rather than to make them for you.
The behaviour you describe sounds like someone old enough to know better, behaving foolishly and potentially self-destructively, and not considering the consequences for herself and others. And that works fine so long as someone else pays all the bills. It wouldn't seem half as much fun if the money was running out. At least stop her spending a cent more of your money on this foolishness ( you are under no obligation to sponsor it ) YOu don't say what profession she belongs to, but at the least her practice of whatever it is will surely suffer if she continues behaving in this way.
Behaving as irresponsibly as this ( especially if you can get evidence of this ) and making no provision for the children to stay with her, and refusing to pay her share of their reasonable expenses, would surely enable you to fight vigorously to get custody of the children, for their own benefit.
How can her legal rep be someone who was disbarred ? Or has he been re-admitted to practice ?
It sounds as though yo have done your best to persuade her to change her mind, and you can't take responsibility for this - she has the right to be foolish. But not at your expense, or that of the children. And its likely that the harder you try to persuade her that these plans are daft, the more firmly she will stick to them.
LOok after yourself and the children, get the court to refuse her custody and to require her to pay appropriate maintenance, based on her normal earnings, not on any depleted sum she chooses to earn now when it suits her.
The only realistic chance she might eventually change her mind is if she goes ahead as she plans, and finds it much less satisfying than she is assuming.


Reply to cybershrink

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