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Question
Posted by: ally | 2011/04/20

affair with married man

I met this guy and in the beginning though he and his wife are seperated, but as the relationship went on his wife start calling me as she got my number on his cell phone. i then realised that he is married, he told me he dont love her and stay with her for the sake of his child which is 14 and a problem child. i got so involved with him and now it hard to let go of him. he tells everything that happened at home and sometimes feel i cant cope with it anymore. he even tells me when he and his wife had sex and how bad it was. or when he ask he and when she said no. i dont know what to think of this guy. is he just very honest with me or what. i told him i dont want to know but he keep on telling me that he dont want secrets, he say he loves me a lot and is always thinking of me even though he is not with me. last week i sent him a sms to break the relationship. he phone me and was very upset telling me he cant live without me.

sunday he wanted to kiss me and i told him to go kiss his wife as i am tired of all this. since then i did not hear from him again and i also did not call him. as i told him sunday he is putting me under pressure with all this stories. i dont know what to think of this. must i just let go of him or must i call him. he brag with all his friends about his stunning girlfriend he got and always tells me how jealous guys is that i am with him. is this man for real or gracy

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Separated should be considered as equivelant to married from a psychological point of view. Until thoroughly divorced and psychologically free from the previous relationship, nobody is a good bet for forming a relationship with.
And in this case, where apparently he wasn't even honest enough to tell you fro the start that he is married and still very much involved with his wife and children, why continue any relationship with him ? You know he is prepared to cheat on her, and should assume he will in time be prepared to cheat on you, too.
he is NOT being "very honest" with you - he is selectively informing you so as to wrap you into his afairs, while using you to hurt his wife and children. He CAN live without you, and should plan to do so.
he uis also using you as an excuse to brag to his friends and make them jealous of you. That's using you to make him feel good in front of the other guys. Not respectful and not loving at all.
Dump him and move on. Don't you deserve better ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: ??? | 2011/04/21

I see flattering gets him everywhere with you, are you serious, you hear what you want to hear, catch a wake up sweety you are his sloppy seconds, and his friends has no respect for you anyway and has no respect for him either cheating on his wife, why is the child a problem child cause daddy is not at home and with you and this child can see there is problems with mom and dad, you are selfish and only think of yourself and another thing if you are not going to entertain this immature thing he is just going to move on to the next victim that falls for his stories, delete his number ,dont talk to him and pretend he is dead, go cold turkey on him that is the only way of moving on
and the fact that is talking out of his bedroom shows that he has no respect or love for his wife , do you really want a ..... like that, I have no time for cheaters and you can not justify your actions here, there is a lot of single men out there , why go for a man that is not available, you want what you cant have.
Pray that one day this never happens to you , After 10 years (my ex husband cheated on me with a few ) I still have trust issues and my self confidence is gone. I was a Ice princess for a good few years and thank fully my partner helped me through everything , I am whole again, believe me the scare of a cheating partner stays with you for ever.

Reply to ???
Posted by: QQ | 2011/04/20

You deserve every single BAD thing that will come your way in future for having anything at all to do with a married man and so does every other person doing the same. Go and cry somewhere else, you are stupid for doing this and you like being used and sbused

Reply to QQ
Posted by: Wake up 2 | 2011/04/20

Wake up i soooo hear where you are comming from. They all think that their situation is unique and that they are oh soooooo special yet its all the same lies the same stories and I cant let him go and oh it sickens me too.

I did this for 3 and a half years and eventually hiswife left HIM and you know what? within 6 months he had an affair and i was the horrible person! The " wife"  that didnt understand him, that gave bad sex everything he use to tell me about his wife he told the new one.

So i got together with the new one and the wife and the three of us had a wail of a time discussing him. And we all left him.

Reply to Wake up 2
Posted by: Wake up | 2011/04/20

I get so tired of reading this same question over and over again and again. Do yourself a favour and search this forum alone to see how many people have the same story as yours. It will be like reading your own post! When will woman ever wake up and reaslise that all the talk of " staying for the children"  " does not want to hurt her"  " we''re seperated"  are all lies and merely blah blah blah just to get their jam as well! You are so naive if you think he is EVER going to leave his wife. You''ve given him what he wants - sex on the side. Why should he leave? Besides, he has someone who does his washing, cooking, ironing etc etc and he still gets to have sex with on the side with you. You are so blind to not see that he is using you. he is honest enough to tell you his wife refuses him sex, so he runs to you for sex? If he does not love his wife, why is he even asking her for sex? WAKE UP!!! When you are married one day, don''t be surprised when Karma comes knocking on your door and you are the one left with a broken heart by a cheating husband and find yourself posting back on this forum about how to mend your broken marriage. Like Mandy says - what goes around comes around.

Run - and fast. Ask for forgiveness from above and his wife for the hurt you have caused he.. You are just a guilty as he is. You should have left as soon as you found out he was married, and YOU should have been the one calling his wife to tell her he was cheating, not the other way around.

Reply to Wake up
Posted by: Mandy | 2011/04/20

Leave him. I was involved with a married man many many years ago, everything you describing here is what happened to me. He also said HOW much he loves me and blah blah.......... His friends was also so jealous of his gorgeous mistress and blah, blah. BULL......Reason why he could not leave his wife was because of money and yes off course the children. Yeah right. They were married COP and he said he''ll loose everything. Well it went on for years on end until one day i decided enough is enough. Lots of SINGLE men approached me, but i was involved with this married man. I didn''t realise the pain and hurt i caused his wife. I got rid of him once and for all, coz really he USED me for too long. Loves me, but go home EVERY NIGHT to his wife. I was so lonely, yet i have a " boyfriend" . It was not worth it and i can tell you now, they NEVER leave their wives, but even if he does leave her. Can you really build your happiness on somebody''s pain. NEVER!!!!!!! Give him up now. I pray up until today that God must forgive me for what i have done. I am sure God has forgiven me and yes, it is true he is a cheater and should the two of you end up together, what are the chances that he will be faithful towards you. Also sleeping with two women at the same time??? That was the thing i hate the most. I thank the Almighty i am free of that type of life and let me tell you, people label you. You are the B here and that is how it''s gonna stay. Please take a fools advice and leave now while you think about it. And remember what goes around, comes around. I got married after i left this married man, and guess what.......... My husband cheated on my and i was devastated. So yes, i realised how hurt the other lady had to be. Thankfully me and my husband went for counseling and our marriage has survived it. Today I hate cheaters and I promised myself and God that I will never ever do it to another woman. IT IS NOT WORTH IT!!!!!

Reply to Mandy
Posted by: Anne | 2011/04/20

I agree with the above ladies. He is using you in the worst possible way. Stop allowing it, and move on with your life. He does not love you, he is just using you

Reply to Anne
Posted by: Maria | 2011/04/20

He is openly cheating on his wife and using you for sex. Even if he leaves his wife for you, you already know that he is a cheater. Why would you even consider persuing a relationship with this guy? Go and find yourself a nice single man who will love and respect you.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: XXX | 2011/04/20

This guy deceived you and wants his bread buttered on both sides.Tell him that when he is divorced he can make contact again and you can then see what direction the relationship goes.
For now,everyone,other then him,is getting hurt.

Reply to XXX
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/04/20

Separated should be considered as equivelant to married from a psychological point of view. Until thoroughly divorced and psychologically free from the previous relationship, nobody is a good bet for forming a relationship with.
And in this case, where apparently he wasn't even honest enough to tell you fro the start that he is married and still very much involved with his wife and children, why continue any relationship with him ? You know he is prepared to cheat on her, and should assume he will in time be prepared to cheat on you, too.
he is NOT being "very honest" with you - he is selectively informing you so as to wrap you into his afairs, while using you to hurt his wife and children. He CAN live without you, and should plan to do so.
he uis also using you as an excuse to brag to his friends and make them jealous of you. That's using you to make him feel good in front of the other guys. Not respectful and not loving at all.
Dump him and move on. Don't you deserve better ?

Reply to cybershrink

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