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Question
Posted by: Pink | 2010/11/26

Advice please!!!

I please need your advice.
I am currently dating a man 17years my senior. We have been dating on and off for two years since I broke it off more than once in order not to get to involve. I am scared to commit since I have a dreadful past and don’ t want to explain it to him or any other men. Things are getting serious as he started talking about moving to the next level of this relationship. The problem is that he is starting to ask questions about my past and my current situation as my family my kids (I am a single mom of two).
He knows I am a single mom but never asked too many questions about it. He now has decided that we should discuss my situation family, kids and finances as we never did.
First of all my finances are a mess and I doing not expect him to sort it out for me but I know this is going to cause a lot of problems in our relationship. I also don’ t want to mention it but I know I cannot lie if he asks me. How do I explain this to him without losing my pride and dignity?
I do not mind explaining my situation about my kids and failed relationships, but my finances are not something I want to discus I don’ t want him to feel I am in the relationship for financial reasons although I never ask for anything.
He’ s also progressed in his career and life mine are not too good I really feel guilty and ashamed about this. Although I am currently studying I still don’ t feel right. What am I going to do I have grown very fond of this man. I do not want another failed relationship but I also don’ t want to be in a relationship where someone judge me because of my past.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I wondr whether you are yet ready to commit to anyon else, and whether it wouldn't be wiser to get this sorted out, wih counselling / therapy before getting so involved.
Maybe, espcally if your past difficulties included abuse, you could find some free or low-cost help in a woman's group linked to groups like POWA which help and advise women with similar problems.
Don't let an unrealistic view of "pride" create problems. Its no shame to let him know you have unfinished emotional busines to attend to, and financial difficulties you want to sort out without loading all this onto him. Otherwise your behaviour will seem much more puzling and distressing to him.
Is there a good reason to assume that he will "judge you" based on whatever happened in the past ? He's old enough to have got beyond that, surely.
If you feel obliged to keep so much that is important to you and which has shaped you, asecret, no relationship can succeed with so many secrets all buttoned up

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Our users say:
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/11/27

I wondr whether you are yet ready to commit to anyon else, and whether it wouldn't be wiser to get this sorted out, wih counselling / therapy before getting so involved.
Maybe, espcally if your past difficulties included abuse, you could find some free or low-cost help in a woman's group linked to groups like POWA which help and advise women with similar problems.
Don't let an unrealistic view of "pride" create problems. Its no shame to let him know you have unfinished emotional busines to attend to, and financial difficulties you want to sort out without loading all this onto him. Otherwise your behaviour will seem much more puzling and distressing to him.
Is there a good reason to assume that he will "judge you" based on whatever happened in the past ? He's old enough to have got beyond that, surely.
If you feel obliged to keep so much that is important to you and which has shaped you, asecret, no relationship can succeed with so many secrets all buttoned up

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: Purple | 2010/11/26

If you don''t feel comfortable enough to share these types of things with him then its hardly likely that your relationship can progress beyond the point its at now.

Reply to Purple
Posted by: Linus | 2010/11/26

Well try and figure out if the reason he wants this info from you is because he wants to help you or if he is just being nosy. If he wants to help there is nothing wrong with that and you should''nt worry about accepting. Remember what comes after pride...and good luck.

Reply to Linus
Posted by: Ph | 2010/11/26

Fear is standing in your way? You have a good man, who wants to know all about you so that he can be prepared for what might come or will come his way? Be happy that you found such man, most are not as concerned as he is. Would you rather he does not know and he later uses your financial problems as an armour against you?

Reply to Ph
Posted by: lizard | 2010/11/26

just go for it, life is short, and you might as well find out now what is he made of , and dont think because you''re telling the truth about your past, that so is he, he might lie to you, people are very two faced

Reply to lizard

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