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Question
Posted by: Aitch | 2010-09-13

Advice please!

Hi, I have been married for over 10 years and am happily married. Our sex life isn''t great but that is more my fault than his - I am always tired and irritable due to work and financial pressures. This past weekend I met a man who just about blew me off my feet! He is a friend of my husband and is totally unsuitable relationship material in that he is your quintessential " bad boy"  but from the moment I shook his hand, I turned to jelly. I have not slept properly for 2 nights, since I met him, and he is constantly in my thoughts. The sexual energy between us was unlike anything I have ever experienced! I would NEVER leave my husband for such a man but the urge to have a quick fling with him is almost overwhelming. I have never in my entire life even considered having a conversation with a man without my husband''s knowledge and here I am dreaming about wild sex with a stranger! What is wrong with me?!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageSexologist

Dear Aitch

There are several things you need to know that might help:
1) it is a very normal occurrence that hunger/libido reduces for women in a long term relationship - even when you still love your husband very much. Don't misread this as a sign of any problem in the relationship, it's something you need to work on to manage as best you can - try to refocus your attention on him, try to drive your desire for him (eg.plan a date, have a nice pamper that makes you feel sexy and seduce him even if you feel no 'hunger' to begin with). If you do feel that your husband is wonderful, I'm assuming you wouldn't want to do anything to damage the relationship, so don't...read on...
2) we are capable of falling for multiple people, the chemistry is the same as it is in the beginning of most new relationships - we experience the effects of lust hormones and changes to our neurochemistry, so try to level yourself/sober up; those hormones can impair judgement! If you are feeling this in relation to this man, try to keep yourself 'safe' by not getting yourself into vulnerable situations (you'd be surprised how this can happen 'by accident'!). Just because you could 'fall' for multiple people doesn't mean you have to let this happen - i.e. act on it. As a western woman, I assume that you are part of the value system that adheres to monogamous relationships - this is not always easy and it sounds like this is your first test! If you do believe in monogamy and faithfulness in relationships, make sure you are armed with the 'traps' to help yourself pass the test.
3) if you wait this out/ignore the feelings, you may find that the more you get to know him, the more you realise how he doesn't match what you would want in a man; only part. It may be that that is how your feelings will subside, and I think they will in time.

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4
Our users say:
Posted by: Steve | 2010-09-14

My now ex girlfriend, met the so called bad boy type to that so women seem to be attracted and started seeing him behind my back, that was until one night I was away and after a late of drinking and partying he beat her black and blue. In the end I was the bad guy for not sticking with her and helping her when she was doing some guy behind my back. At the time this happened she also told me about the energy and chemistry and all that crap, how she couldn''t help it (yeah right) Be careful they generally get the bad boy reputation for a reason. I''ll never say she got what she deserved because no women should be beaten, but I have no sympathy for her

Reply to Steve
Posted by: Sexologist | 2010-09-14

Dear Aitch

There are several things you need to know that might help:
1) it is a very normal occurrence that hunger/libido reduces for women in a long term relationship - even when you still love your husband very much. Don't misread this as a sign of any problem in the relationship, it's something you need to work on to manage as best you can - try to refocus your attention on him, try to drive your desire for him (eg.plan a date, have a nice pamper that makes you feel sexy and seduce him even if you feel no 'hunger' to begin with). If you do feel that your husband is wonderful, I'm assuming you wouldn't want to do anything to damage the relationship, so don't...read on...
2) we are capable of falling for multiple people, the chemistry is the same as it is in the beginning of most new relationships - we experience the effects of lust hormones and changes to our neurochemistry, so try to level yourself/sober up; those hormones can impair judgement! If you are feeling this in relation to this man, try to keep yourself 'safe' by not getting yourself into vulnerable situations (you'd be surprised how this can happen 'by accident'!). Just because you could 'fall' for multiple people doesn't mean you have to let this happen - i.e. act on it. As a western woman, I assume that you are part of the value system that adheres to monogamous relationships - this is not always easy and it sounds like this is your first test! If you do believe in monogamy and faithfulness in relationships, make sure you are armed with the 'traps' to help yourself pass the test.
3) if you wait this out/ignore the feelings, you may find that the more you get to know him, the more you realise how he doesn't match what you would want in a man; only part. It may be that that is how your feelings will subside, and I think they will in time.

Reply to Sexologist
Posted by: buddie | 2010-09-13

make love to your man as if he is " his friend" , but let it stay there, to go for a fling is looking for trouble, and you cannot throw 10 years away like that

Reply to buddie
Posted by: two-stone | 2010-09-13

Hi Aitch - I feel so for you. Instant chemical attraction/lust is SO powerful and almost like a drug. I know that shaky feeling and it makes you totally weak as it is so powerful. Please do not give in to it, as you may very well not be happy with just the one fling, your conscience will ride you and you will look at your husband in a different way - I promise. It is not worth it. Try masturbating while you think of this guy and let that be your fantasy - but NO MORE. He probably does this all the time and you will be just another conquest, before he moves on.And think of your husband''s reaction if he ever found out - it just takes one slip when they are having a drink together. I know it is tough, promise - been there and the"  after"  is horrible!

Reply to two-stone

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