Posted by: TJ | 2009-01-21

Advice on Relationship

Good day,

I was in an mentally, physically, emotionally abusive relationship for 3 years as my partner was abusing substances. He moved to durban to stay clean and wants us to continue our relationship and sounds very sincere that he has changed and has admitted that he is an addict. I am not sure if I should give him another chance or move on as I don' t think I can let go of all he has put me through. It would be good to get an outsiders opinion. Please advise?
Thank you

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Abusers are brilliant at sounding sincere, and are not to be believed. Listen to what they do, not to what they say. If you want to even imagine re-joining him ( and that would probably never be a good idea ) postpone it for years, until he has got clean and stayed totally chemically clean for a couple of years, and even then be extremely cautious. Unless and until he has not only admitted that he is an addict and an abuser, and sincerely participated in proper expert treatment for both problems, to the point that his therapists consider he has significantly changed, assume there has been no change, and protect yourself while moving on with a free life on your own.
How many "last chances" does he expect to receive ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: TJ | 2009-01-22

Thank you so much for your constructive advice and it has made up my mind for me. I really appreciate it and appreciate all the honest responses.
I suppose I just needed affirmation.

Reply to TJ
Posted by: Kelly | 2009-01-22

Caring Dad is correct!
Move on, don' t look back and don' t feel sorry for him.

Reply to Kelly
Posted by: Caring Dad | 2009-01-22

Oh please don' t go there !!! Druggies are brain fried and have no guts. Dump him and do it now. If you don' t you will just continue going round in a circle. This is how it will go. Abuse and drugs,forgiveness from you, then the relapse, then the drugs and abuse, then the " im sorry I won' t do it again"  then rehab, then forgiveness from you, then the relapse..... on and on and on, get the picture? You sound like a decent person who has self respect. Don' t lose it and waste it on a loser, you deserve better for yourself, Just do it, yes you can !!!

Reply to Caring Dad
Posted by: Disenchanted | 2009-01-21

I personally don' t think you should take that chance, move to a new life and then be left high and dry when he relapses.
But it is very important that you specify what substances he abused, and whether he went for rehabilitation, so that people can give you better advise!
There is a big difference between lets say dagga and heroin, but an addictive personality seldom changes.
Good luck and be strong.

Reply to Disenchanted

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