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Question
Posted by: Don | 2012/08/29

Advice

34yrs married for 9yrs with three kids all under ten yrs,my husband always tells me that he loves me and our kids but he cheated on me twice with the same woman,i did''nt fight or scream at him i talk to him calmly,told him if he is happy with the other women he must be with her and leave me and my kids he was furius wanted to step me with a knife,by god''s grace i managed to calm him down and i survived,after that he slept the hole day looking miserable and he didn''t change his clothes for the hole week and i didn''t care because he nearly killed me,but he cheated again and i did''nt say anything he was angry with me for not confronting him again,because the lady called me i don''t no what he want me to say about his behavior cause he is not a child,he made it clear that the only way we can separate is when he kill me,our kids and himself is a long story i just don''t have energy for this man,he always talk about men with two wives how happy they are and as far as i no there is no happines there,i told him i don''t mind him taking another wife but i don''t want to be part of that lifestyle and i put my foot down about it i just want him to take care of our kids but he says he won''t leave me.sorry for a long post.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Abuse, whether physical or psychological or both, is never acceptable, and to threaten to stab someone with a knife is in itself a crime. From your description there is definitely something wrong with your husband, though from this distance we can't guess what - he may be becoming mentally ill, or under the influence of drugs, or otherwise becoming more unstable.
And what on earth does he want ? He seems upset if you do confront him about his cheating, and then you say he was upset because you DIDN'T confront him about it ? And why would the other woman contact you ? What did she want to achieve ?
The first priority must be to ensure the safety of yourself and the children. Call POWA and/or some similar group that advises abused women, for advice on how to safely leave this dangerous person and to keep yourself and your children safe.
Don't try to persuade him to leave you - get yourself to a safe place, then get good legal advice to go further towards perhaps divorcing him, and getting a court order to forbid him to threaten or approach you or the children at any time or in any way.
Its nonsense, of course, for him to talk about how happy men with two wives must be, when he doesn't even know how to treat one woman and one wife with respect.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Don | 2012/08/29

Cybershrink
he is not using drugs,does''nt drink but he is selfish and like to be bossy in everything,i don''t understand him he always critisice me in everything i do saying i won''t make it in life with matric only,but i registered cc and managed to get tender job which paid me 80.000 in march this year and i''did''nt get a cent because he took my bank card he was the one withrawing the money if i want to buy i must ask him to withraw the money and i wanted to go back to school part time and have driverslicense but it did''nt happen the money is finish now but he is stil not happy about everything on the other hand it''s like this things are not happening to me i''m not angry or sad i don''t no what is wrong with me i''m bussy with other things this week i''m waiting for the money i''ve worked for from other department but he says i''m stupid,after he finished my money he gave me back my card now he doesn''t no what to say cause he no i''m waiting for another money

Reply to Don
Posted by: Nicole | 2012/08/29

I think that your lack of interest may saved your life. That he is looking for an excuse to really harm you! OR he is looking for some form of emotion from you because you seem very detatched from him emotionally (other than pity).
BUT Abuse is by no means acceptable. You cannot risk your children. Try contacting POWA like liza mentioned and get out of there asap. this is their headoffice telephone number, then you can ask them for the number of someone who can help nearest to you. 011 642 4345 / 6.

Reply to Nicole
Posted by: Liza | 2012/08/29

Contact POWA immediately to arrange a safe exit for you and your children. You were able to calm him down once, but that doesn''t mean you''ll be able to calm him down the next time he tries to stab you or your children. Don''t wait until something disastrous happens...

Good Luck
Liza

Reply to Liza
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/08/29

Abuse, whether physical or psychological or both, is never acceptable, and to threaten to stab someone with a knife is in itself a crime. From your description there is definitely something wrong with your husband, though from this distance we can't guess what - he may be becoming mentally ill, or under the influence of drugs, or otherwise becoming more unstable.
And what on earth does he want ? He seems upset if you do confront him about his cheating, and then you say he was upset because you DIDN'T confront him about it ? And why would the other woman contact you ? What did she want to achieve ?
The first priority must be to ensure the safety of yourself and the children. Call POWA and/or some similar group that advises abused women, for advice on how to safely leave this dangerous person and to keep yourself and your children safe.
Don't try to persuade him to leave you - get yourself to a safe place, then get good legal advice to go further towards perhaps divorcing him, and getting a court order to forbid him to threaten or approach you or the children at any time or in any way.
Its nonsense, of course, for him to talk about how happy men with two wives must be, when he doesn't even know how to treat one woman and one wife with respect.

Reply to cybershrink

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