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Question
Posted by: me | 2010/07/15

advice

my live in boyfriend and father to our little girl we''ve been together for 5 years, the problem started about 3years back when he impregnated somebody else while we were living together, well i seem to accepted the situation then, but now the problem is i think im still angry at that situation because he never told me why and how he did that. as a result we are constantly fighting about useless things around the house. please help me to get rid of this anger i still have inside me and move on. we''ve tryed counceling to no avail. i know he loves me but i cant say the same cause i really dont know if i still love him. maybe if i got rid of the anger i can be able to know if im still inlove with him. i find it hard to trust him, and he is now talking about marriage. i do want to marry him just to show that other women that he was mine from the first place. this is not a healthy relationship

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Its very understandable that you would feel bad about the fact that he not only cheated on you, but chose to father a child with someone else while you considered that you were committed to each other. How he did it is hardly a mystery, and why is probably not hard to work out, either.
If the anger is appropriate, and if he has not convinced you he regrets what he did and that he is unlikely to do so again, therapy / counselling would ned to be focussed on these issues, and not on simply stifling your anger.
Do NOT marry him unless and until these issues have been properly resolved, as mariage will not solve them at all. You yourself say this relationship is not healthy at all.
And there can be few more doomed and foolish reasons to marry anyone than to try to score points off a rival. If the marriage turns out to be miserable and he continues cheating - wha lesson will that other woman have learned ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/07/16

Its very understandable that you would feel bad about the fact that he not only cheated on you, but chose to father a child with someone else while you considered that you were committed to each other. How he did it is hardly a mystery, and why is probably not hard to work out, either.
If the anger is appropriate, and if he has not convinced you he regrets what he did and that he is unlikely to do so again, therapy / counselling would ned to be focussed on these issues, and not on simply stifling your anger.
Do NOT marry him unless and until these issues have been properly resolved, as mariage will not solve them at all. You yourself say this relationship is not healthy at all.
And there can be few more doomed and foolish reasons to marry anyone than to try to score points off a rival. If the marriage turns out to be miserable and he continues cheating - wha lesson will that other woman have learned ?

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: anon | 2010/07/15

ok, first of all my dear that is no reason to marry someone, and also remember love is not always enough. although i doubt ''love'' when you cheat, i dont care the reason, you will NOT give in to temptation (or even PUT yourself in that situation) if you honestly love someone. and love INCLUDES: RESPECT, FAITHFULNESS, HONOR, LOYALTY, SAFETY, security...etc...

of course you are still angry if you never really worked through it properly. you may consider counseling..but i dont know...you''re not even married yet. to go into it with such an issue, i can promise you you face other big issues as well, in which you need above mentioned characteristics to make it through certain things.

it is almost like the saying dont go to bed angry... dont go into this marriage like this, you can never live a full honest life if you have stuff nagging you (such a BIG thing) from the past.

as i said you cant marry him to get back at the other woman, you even say you dont think you love him ???

my advise: marry someone else to get back at HIM, never mind the other woman.

think about your own happiness and how awesome it must be to be with someone who will never put himself in a situation that will nothing but break your heart.

Reply to anon

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