Posted by: jenna | 2013-02-12

adult children

I got divorced after very long marraige due to ex cheating etc. Kids all grown out of house. Its been 4 years they dont see or talk to each other or the ex. I managed to get my son back as normal as can be for while now and me and my daughter is very close. Problem is oldest son. He refuses any contact with me due to during divorce he got married without me knowing and things he did to me and daughter. I do sms him etc, but now wife has left him after year of marriage as she refuses to let him have any contact with the family. I dont know what to do as the damage here is severe, but I forgave all. Oldest son also refuses any contact now with his brother also Whenever I sms oldest son, there no response whatsoever.

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Posted by: jenna | 2013-02-13

also why the kids dont talk or see each other is cause oldest son sold off my daughters things as well as mine etc. and cleaned my out (bank) as I was at that stage not capable of handling my things i just cried whole time and he said he will take care of it so it was also my fault. So daughter is angry as oldest son refuses to pay it back and show remorse which he refuses to do. he says he wants so say he is sorry but he just wont come here to do so. It was a lotttt of money and all her things as well he took the money and pay off all his debt and bought then girlfriend new wardrobe. Ex found out after divorce and went ballistic telling oldest son he is GOING to pay it back to me and son now completely withdrew as his wife or ex wife is backing him NOT to give anything back whatsoever. I forgave him you know, i just dont understand it. I gave my all for kids so it was hard and still is what he is doing. If I were a bad person I would understand but I am not. I even read up PAS on internet which is disturbing as so many families going through this unnecessary. its heartbreaking Thing is oldest son were counting on fact that me and ex will never speak to each other again as we did during divorce but since divorce year ago, we became good friends, so ex wanted to KNOW what happened to me and daughters things so I showed him He was very upset. So i think oldest son is hiding sort of?? Maybe ashamed, but will not even TRY to fix it

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Posted by: jenna | 2013-02-13

JR no thats not all thats going on divorce was ugly as the son''s wife wanted me to take his share as well (inheritage) which I refused to do, so she went ballistic and he then 4 years ago said he did not want to grow old alone even if he knew she was not the one. Me and oldest son were always extremely close, so this was a big blow to me. He wanted everything and I refused took just what was rightfully and fair for ME. Oh and the wife has ADD and severe depression. She also refuses that he talks to my ex and said if he ever sit foot on that farm she will leave him Son secretly phoned the ex recently and told him he is lost as she has alienated him from his whole family but he loves her dearly even is she doesnt love him at all.

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Posted by: Anon | 2013-02-13

As JR says ... keep trying.

Keep your younger son and daughter close and continue to have a " normal"  relationship with them. This will flourish and if you having the kids over for a meal, invite the older son by SMS. Always do, even if he does not come. Don''t let his non responsiveness deter you from trying.

Every now and then (once every couple of months), invite him over one on one. He may turn up. Don''t be too pushy. There may come a time when he turns up. Continue to wish him for his birthday and major events. Don''t pick on his wife (ex-wife) or pretend to know what is going on in his life. Give him space, and he''ll be back in his own time.

I wish you luck ... cherish the kids that are with you.

Reply to Anon
Posted by: JR | 2013-02-13

How heartsore, I am so sorry that your family is torn appart like this. I don''t have any advice for you, because it does not seem like your kids want to even try and be a family. All I can say is, from your part, don''t stop because maybe one day it will be thrown in your face that you didn''t even try - so don''t stop trying. Pray that God will pave the way for you as a family to all find one another again, and that he will soften those very stubborn hearts. That is pretty much all you can do.

The mind boggles a bit that a wife will leave a husband just because his mom sms''s him from time to time? That seems a bit extreme to me. is that all that is going on?

All the best. I hope it comes right.

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