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Question
Posted by: dot | 2012/08/08

adopted / army consequenc

Doc, if you were adopted when you were a baby, can that make you so insecure that you try and control everyone and everything? Or is the problem because you were in the army and a captain for a long time that makes you like that? My bf makes me feel valueless and wants to control everything. I feel useless and its making me depressed.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

No. People deal in very different ways with finding out that they were adopted, but while sometimes it might make one feel uncwertain of a particular relationship with the real and/or adoptive parents, it doesnt usually ( not have I come across it or read of it ) make one globally insecure or seeking to control all others and all events.
Some military or police experience of being a petty tyrant might make someone excessivwely expect obedience in others, but most people are sensible enough to recognize the different situations. I assume he doesn't do a bed inspection or make the family line up and salute. Discuss this calmly with him. If he is able to recognize that this is a problem and wishes to improve on it, individual counselling for him, maybe couples counselling for the pair of you, could promote help this change. If he doesn't accept that there is any problem, and/opr doesnt want to change, then rather end the relationship tactfully. There's no benefit to either of you in a relationship that makes you feel uselsss and miserable

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Our users say:
Posted by: Gail | 2012/08/14

Over my long life I have come across many adoptees (I also teach). In my experience people who have been adopted can be very possessive and clingy and in your case there is a double whammy of him having been in the military in a position of authority. If he is unwilling to accept and admit that he has a problem and seek help for it for both himself and also you then you should end tyhis relationship as gently and swiftly as possible. If there are children in the home then it may be wise to apply for a restraining order even before you act. Nobody should live with depression if they know what is causing it and the cause in this case your partner refuses to deal with it. It has to do with deep abandonment issues,, what place he occupies among his siblings if any etc. Eldest children are very susceptible to developing these traits and therapy can help provided he finds the right therapist. I have had to deal with abandonment issues for most of my life and have had all kinds of therapy. Certain issues can trigger these people off to be violent and controlling and they may either commit suicide or when they don''t get their way resort to violence and rages. A 6 y.o female pupil of mine commited suicide. Her first adoptive father was in the military as was her second. She was a youngest child when her mother remarried because he had two daughters from a previous marriage who were older. Cybershrink may believe that this isn''t the case but I have witnessed this since I went to boarding school in adopted children. It is as if nobody wants them - some seek solace by being promiscuous both before and after, some seek purpose by becoming powerful through employment. When they realise all these things don''t work or seem to make life worse they resort to selfharm or harming others. There are of course many people who arre adopted who fall in the middle and go through life with no problems and are happy and successful. My observation has been that these are middle children. Good luck and I hope you can help him because he is willing to help himself.

Reply to Gail
Posted by: Maria | 2012/08/08

Adoptees deal with their history in different ways, but haven''t come across this behaviour as a typical response. (My daughter is adopted and I''ve read widely on the subject.) Being an army officer could instill such an attitude I suppose but I doubt it is inevitable. Have you tried talking to him about it, maybe suggest some couples counselling? IIf he makes you feel so bad and won''t change, why don''t you end the relationship? A partner is supposed to uplift you, not break you down.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/08/08

No. People deal in very different ways with finding out that they were adopted, but while sometimes it might make one feel uncwertain of a particular relationship with the real and/or adoptive parents, it doesnt usually ( not have I come across it or read of it ) make one globally insecure or seeking to control all others and all events.
Some military or police experience of being a petty tyrant might make someone excessivwely expect obedience in others, but most people are sensible enough to recognize the different situations. I assume he doesn't do a bed inspection or make the family line up and salute. Discuss this calmly with him. If he is able to recognize that this is a problem and wishes to improve on it, individual counselling for him, maybe couples counselling for the pair of you, could promote help this change. If he doesn't accept that there is any problem, and/opr doesnt want to change, then rather end the relationship tactfully. There's no benefit to either of you in a relationship that makes you feel uselsss and miserable

Reply to cybershrink

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