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Question
Posted by: Shaz | 2012/05/02

Abusive relationship

I know I am in an abusive relationship. I get called all the worst names under the sun, my hobbies get trashed (I do oil painting and my paintings get called ''tracings'' and that I think I am Picasso), comments get passed whenever I see my friends or grown up children. I get blamed for everything - nothing is ever his fault. I get punished by being given the silent treatment if I question him in any shape or form etc etc etc. No physical abuse. All emotional and verbal. I know all this and I know its abuse and I know I need to get out. I fight back. I call him names back. I give him the silent treatment back. Have I now become like him? Am I an abuser as well? Why do I keep going back? Do I think so little of myself that I somehow think I deserve to be treated like this? Did I cause all this? Perhaps Im the abuser here and he is just reacting to my abuse? Perhaps I should have tried harder. At the moment I am getting the silent treatment once again. I cant function anymore. Im finished emotionally and mentally. My every thought is occupied with him. How do I leave and stay away and not blame myself for all this. If it is indeed my fault how do I forgive myself and not feel guilty for this obviously doomed relationship. I need to get away and yet keep going back for more. Am I the abuser here?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Retaliatory tactics usually are not effective, as I think you have found. But the worst aspect is how you have become so firmly focussed on him, which is like carrying him round in your pocket, not allowing yourself time free from his malign influence.
As he has developed this pattern of rudeness and diminishing you, why on earth should you allow yourself to feel guilty for what HE does ?
You are not an abuser or the abuser, but getting locked into an unfortunately typical pattern of reponses to abusive behavior of another.
See a counsellor to help you plan to leave this unwholesome relationship, and to move ahead without locking yourself to it.
Motlalentwa - you have already taken the first and most essential step - recognizing what is wrong with your habits of behaviour, both the drinking and the abuse of partners. Now see a proper counsellor to help you change these bad habits, and to create more happiness for yourself and your future partner(s).

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

5
Our users say:
Posted by: Motlalentwa | 2012/05/03

I will Shaz

Reply to Motlalentwa
Posted by: kk | 2012/05/03

" Hey Shaz....there is nothing wrong with this lady, when something feels wrong it is wrong most of the time, and this is not the life one would want to pick or a life partner that makes you feel worthless,Sistaz...It is going to be hard but time heals....leave that man and find yourself, then the rest will follow, Pain is inevitable but believe that you are worth more than that and that you will meet and you will complement each other.....The last thing you want to do is wake up ten years from now, feeling bitter and regretful....Life is too short!

Motlalentwa....all i can say is life is what you make, design your life and get help for your bad habits.

Reply to kk
Posted by: Shaz | 2012/05/03

Hi Motlalentwa. Well at least you are able to admit that the problem is with you. Perhaps try joining the AA for some professional help?

Reply to Shaz
Posted by: Motlalentwa | 2012/05/03

None of my relationships are working because of my abusive habits especially whe I am under the influence of alcohol, I only realise when it is too late, meaning when i have lost a partner that I am the one with a problem, getting into a new relationship the same old habits start again, dont know what to do anymore. I am male

Reply to Motlalentwa
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/05/03

Retaliatory tactics usually are not effective, as I think you have found. But the worst aspect is how you have become so firmly focussed on him, which is like carrying him round in your pocket, not allowing yourself time free from his malign influence.
As he has developed this pattern of rudeness and diminishing you, why on earth should you allow yourself to feel guilty for what HE does ?
You are not an abuser or the abuser, but getting locked into an unfortunately typical pattern of reponses to abusive behavior of another.
See a counsellor to help you plan to leave this unwholesome relationship, and to move ahead without locking yourself to it.
Motlalentwa - you have already taken the first and most essential step - recognizing what is wrong with your habits of behaviour, both the drinking and the abuse of partners. Now see a proper counsellor to help you change these bad habits, and to create more happiness for yourself and your future partner(s).

Reply to cybershrink

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