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Question
Posted by: Rose | 2011/02/07

Abuse or what?

Good day, I hope you will be able to help me, am I being emotionally abused or is this all in my head or just normal relationship things?

my fiance is really jelous and i feel that he breaks my self confidence, i already have a bad self image of myself since childhood but he doesnt build me up he rather just put me down further, like when i comlain about my body or wieght like a lot of woman, he wont try and make me feel better instead he will tell me yes you are fat and its your own fault, i geuss i do this just to hear that someone thinks i look good no m,atter my weight or whatever, i Cant dress up or make-up or even do my hair because he will alway ask me for who am i doing it? like this weekend we had a family wedding(my mother) and i had a dress specially made, i had my hair and make up done and he could not hanle it, he willnever say as much in words but that is the only thing i can think about that could have been going on with him, my dress was knee legth and he said that he cnt understand why it had to be so short? at about 7 saturday evening he went to the room he said that he is tiered and not in the mood for a party, so i said fine but i am going back up, it is my mothers wedding afterall so he said i must lock the door and take the key with me and that is what i did after obviously having a fight and me in tears, a while later i went back down to put my child to bed, i put my child in bed covered her with the blankets and gave her a kiss on the cheek and as i turned around to leave he said am i going back to drink more? i wasnt even drinking because i could enjou myself becuase of his behavoiur, did he think tht i am going to get into bed and sleep at 7 in the evening on my mothers big day?well and that is where the big fight started, i am not even allowed to dance with my own steph father? evryone gave me compliments on how pretty i looked and he couldnt take it everyone gave me compliments exept the one person i really wanted to hear it from, i am not the type of person to ever wear revealing clothes but still i get treated like a cheap whore, sunday when we arrived home i went on as if nothing is wrong as if we had a great weekend together???? after all the hurtfull things he said to me saturday i am suppose to just forget about it like that?

I dont know what to do should we take a break until he gets himself sorted out with the help of a shrink of course becausei think he has got a problem or do i forget all about it and pretend for the rest of my life? i mean he told me our sex life sucks because of me and that he is just with me becuase of the child and then when he started pretending that nothing is wrong he tolod me he loves me, WTF???

please help me i am so confused? does he love me or not? am i alowed to be my own person or should i be handled like a sting puppet?
I dont know anymore and this has been going on for a loooong time now, is he seeing another girl?is that maybe the reason for his treatment or what is it?????

Thank you in advance

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

In a real sense, emotional abuse is always "all in your head" - where else would it be ? If you feel abused, its probably abusive - intentionally or uinintentionally.

Be very cautious about getting engaged to, or maried to, someone who is excessively jealous - that rarely leads to a happy relatonship, and usually indicates a person with problems they don't want to deal with and prefer to project onto others.

Don't rush into marriage. Taking a break is a really good idea. See a personal counsellor to help you recognize your own real needs ; to boost your self-esteem and self-confidence, so you don't need to be so dependent on approval from others - especially from someone aparently to darn mean to give it.

He is unlikely to recognize how much he needs to see a shrink to deal with his own problems, and will probably deny having any at all.

Do NOT "forget about it and pretend the rest of my life". Whatever excuses he might have, the way you describe him as treating you is mean spirited and cruel, and should not be accepted by any woman

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: G | 2011/02/07

It is sometimes not easy to walk away (financial reasons are most common), but since Rose is not married yet and its still early in her relationtiop I hope it will be easier for her to get away..

Rose you need to get out of this relationship as soon as you can, this is not good for you or your child, he will NEVER change as long as you stay with him as he will see it as you accepting his behaviour. You dont deserve to be treated thi sway no woman does, like the saying goes rather be alone and unhappy than with someone and unhappy, but I doubt you will be unhappy as you have a precious child to keep you company as Outsider put it.

At Outsider I feel for you it cannot be easy after all these years but you kno wwhat my dear " the wheel turns" ... All the best

Reply to G
Posted by: WTF | 2011/02/07

Hi Outsider
How come you advise Rose to leave yet you are still with your man and he physically abuses you?
Why are you not taking your own advice?
Please read your own post and apply to yourself, you cannot help anyone until you help yourself!
LEAVE HIM

Reply to WTF
Posted by: Outsider | 2011/02/07

hi rose,

you should not be with this person, he does not seem to respect you and if he does not respect you how on earth can he love you like he says he does or is supposed to.

if he can treat you and think of you as lowly as you have said then my guess is he is going along for the ride and is in a comfort zone of his own.

you and your precious child do not need this type of person in your life - he will not change the way he is to you currently is in fact how he is going to be to you once you are married.

Don''t think he is just going through a phase my husband did and still does it to me after 17 years of being together.

I have learned to let his words go in the one ear and then out the other but allot of the times it hurts and always causes a huge " BAD BAD BAD"  verbal and sometimes physical argument.

LEAVE this person, so what if you are overweight " GUESS"  what you will probably lose weight once you have left him.

YOU deserve better someone that''s more like you - leave him take some time to enjoy yourself on a single basis and enjoy your childs company

You are better off being AWAY from this type of personality of a person.

His insecurities etc. he is actually taking them out on you.

LEAVE HIM

Reply to Outsider
Posted by: WTF | 2011/02/07

Leave him, your daughter deserves to grow up seeing her mother treated with respect. If u stay your child we have the same relationship problems believing this to be normal- which it is not.
Leave for your daughetrs and your well being.

Reply to WTF
Posted by: rose | 2011/02/07

sorry about the spelling, only saw it after reading it again i was just typing fast and as i was typing got really upset so i did not even think to check spelling before submitting, sorry

Reply to rose
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/02/07

In a real sense, emotional abuse is always "all in your head" - where else would it be ? If you feel abused, its probably abusive - intentionally or uinintentionally.

Be very cautious about getting engaged to, or maried to, someone who is excessively jealous - that rarely leads to a happy relatonship, and usually indicates a person with problems they don't want to deal with and prefer to project onto others.

Don't rush into marriage. Taking a break is a really good idea. See a personal counsellor to help you recognize your own real needs ; to boost your self-esteem and self-confidence, so you don't need to be so dependent on approval from others - especially from someone aparently to darn mean to give it.

He is unlikely to recognize how much he needs to see a shrink to deal with his own problems, and will probably deny having any at all.

Do NOT "forget about it and pretend the rest of my life". Whatever excuses he might have, the way you describe him as treating you is mean spirited and cruel, and should not be accepted by any woman

Reply to cybershrink

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