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Question
Posted by: Nix | 2011/12/13

abuse

I was abused sexually, emotionally and physically by my step father from the age of 12 to 18. I left home at 18 to escape the abuse. My momtold everyone really bad stories abt me.I got married at 21 and 5 yrs later my marriage broke up because all the anger i felt towards my mom and stepfather i took out on my husband. thru all this i still constantly craved my moms approval and acceptance. My mom only loves me as long as i does what she wants. After my divorce my stepfather tried to get intimate with me again and I told my mom. i forbid him to come near my house. My mom then said that if he cant come then she and my siblings wont come either. She said that i should just say no to him. 2yrs ago i moved close to my mom. it was great at first because my mom had a relationship with me for the first time. but that was only cause i did as she said all the time.I was always the humble and respectful obedient child. even at 37 people comment that i''m like a 16yr old with my mom.she says jump i say how high. Recently i decided to move closer to my work with my kids. my mom did not approve. i started packing yesterday. this morning my mom told me that i treat her like dirt and make a child out of her. i was shocked as i did everything she wantd always so that she can love me. For the first time i retaliated and told her how i feel wrt her treatment and control of me. i told her she was being selfish. things became heated and eventually i confronted her about the abuse and the many things that happened over the yrs in order to prove how badly she treats me. she denied it all. she says i am mad and should take meds.my mom is a phychiatrist. i dnt think i''m mad. I''M wondering why she cannot understand that she is destroying me. I cant even invite my bf to the house and she is very jealous of anyone else bing in my life, even friends. My boss made me a cake for my bday and she felt offended, yet she did nothing for me and baked a cake for my cousins kid on my bday.she treats my half brother and sister badly too but they arent scared to confront her. i kept all this pent up till today. i am moving away now but even tho my mom really hurt me i''m hurting more cause i was disrespectful. i realise now that she sees nothing wrong in her treatment of me bu i never meant to hurt her. i so wish she could love me. how do i fix this? i dnt want her to hurt. that kills me. but i also cant say that i said the wrong things because i felt the time came that i stood up for myself. pls help.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Maybe one thing is that you need to recognize not only that you don't NEED your mom's acceptance and approval, but that any woman who would treat her child as she did, well, her approval would be worthless anyway.
If your stepfather makes any other attempts to be intimate with you, call the police and lay charged of attempted rape, and get a court order forbidding him from approaching you in any way.
You are now an adult, and can make your own decisions, and she ( and he ) have no power unless you give it to them. Don't, they don't deserve it.
Your mom's acceptance of your stepfather's criminal behaviour is itself borderline criminal, and you needn't want to have any contact with a woman apparently lackiong in moral sense or any understanding of her duties as a mother. Contact with her can be of no benefit at all to your kids, and you have no guarantee that the wicked stepfather won't try his luck with them when they reach whatever age he prefers. She seems to want servants, not children.
If your mom is actually a psychiatrist, I am shocked, and wonder how someone so disturbed and unethical in her private life can function as a professional and ethical and effective shrink. She should be ashamed of herself.
Congratulations on your excellent decision to move away from her. Make your own life, for yourself and your own children, and leave her to stew.
Stop trying to make her love you - it sounds as though she has no understanding of what love is, and as though she has never loved anyone except herself, and perhaps the sleazy stepfather.
She has no worthwhile love to give you or anyone else. Congratulations on standing up for yourself - don't back track or apologise to her, and as far as possible, cut off contact with her and ignore all her attempts to regain control of you.
Stop worrying about hurting her - she will only pretend to be hurt in order to manipulate her. She sacrificed nothing for you, and to keep reminding you of that claim is manipulative, too.
Only a fool would tell a victim of abuse to fogive the abuser, especially while the abuse was ongoing.
Stop looking for her approval or understanding -she's not capable of that. She wants a slave, not a daughter.
She will not get sick because you finally spoke the truth to her. That is impossible. You were truthful, not rude. Stop worrying about her pain, which is exaggerated so as to manipulate, or non-existent. She deserves no respect whatsoever, as she hasnt earned any or given any.
Respect your own pain ( which she never has done and never will do). Stop giving her so much power over you. PLEASE see a personal counsellor to help you remain free of this monstrous woman and her monstrous husband.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

3
Our users say:
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/12/14

Maybe one thing is that you need to recognize not only that you don't NEED your mom's acceptance and approval, but that any woman who would treat her child as she did, well, her approval would be worthless anyway.
If your stepfather makes any other attempts to be intimate with you, call the police and lay charged of attempted rape, and get a court order forbidding him from approaching you in any way.
You are now an adult, and can make your own decisions, and she ( and he ) have no power unless you give it to them. Don't, they don't deserve it.
Your mom's acceptance of your stepfather's criminal behaviour is itself borderline criminal, and you needn't want to have any contact with a woman apparently lackiong in moral sense or any understanding of her duties as a mother. Contact with her can be of no benefit at all to your kids, and you have no guarantee that the wicked stepfather won't try his luck with them when they reach whatever age he prefers. She seems to want servants, not children.
If your mom is actually a psychiatrist, I am shocked, and wonder how someone so disturbed and unethical in her private life can function as a professional and ethical and effective shrink. She should be ashamed of herself.
Congratulations on your excellent decision to move away from her. Make your own life, for yourself and your own children, and leave her to stew.
Stop trying to make her love you - it sounds as though she has no understanding of what love is, and as though she has never loved anyone except herself, and perhaps the sleazy stepfather.
She has no worthwhile love to give you or anyone else. Congratulations on standing up for yourself - don't back track or apologise to her, and as far as possible, cut off contact with her and ignore all her attempts to regain control of you.
Stop worrying about hurting her - she will only pretend to be hurt in order to manipulate her. She sacrificed nothing for you, and to keep reminding you of that claim is manipulative, too.
Only a fool would tell a victim of abuse to fogive the abuser, especially while the abuse was ongoing.
Stop looking for her approval or understanding -she's not capable of that. She wants a slave, not a daughter.
She will not get sick because you finally spoke the truth to her. That is impossible. You were truthful, not rude. Stop worrying about her pain, which is exaggerated so as to manipulate, or non-existent. She deserves no respect whatsoever, as she hasnt earned any or given any.
Respect your own pain ( which she never has done and never will do). Stop giving her so much power over you. PLEASE see a personal counsellor to help you remain free of this monstrous woman and her monstrous husband.

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: Maria | 2011/12/13

Nix, while we are brought up to respect parents and elders, that respect must also be earned. It was your mother''s job to protect you when you were a child, and she failed. Now she is manipulating you into feeling guilty about her failures. This is not your fault, and you don''t have to feel bad. Your mom has the professional knowledge to seek help for herself if she should need it, it''s not your job to do that for her. I seriously suggest that you go for counselling to help you find other and more helpful ways of looking at yourself, and your relationship with your mom. Do not continue to give her power over you buy constantly wanting to please her. You''re a mother yourself, your focus must be on raising happy, healthy, independent children. Do you want your kids to relate to you the way that you relate to your mom? I doubt it. So go and get the help you need to redefine this area of your life. Perhaps in time you will be able to have a mutually respectful relationship with your mother, but remember that you cannot change her, you can only change yourself.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: nix | 2011/12/13

i dont want to lose my mom. and i dont want her to hurt. she says she is all alone and as far as she is concerned she has no kids. she says she sacrificed her life for me. but that can''t be true because she allowed me to be abused. yes he got arrested once but the abuse didnt stop and she knew cause i told her abt it. she just kept saying i must forgive everytime it happened. I know i wasnt wrong. i am stable, have a good education and career. There is nothing wrong with me and i refuse to take medication everytime i try to stand up for myself. i just want my mom to realise she is hurting me. i am worried about my mom. really worried. i hurt her. but her behaviour is destroying me. i tried my best to be the perfect daughter. since she accepted me 2yrs ago id dint date or go out. i did just what she wanted. but now that i''m moving and doing something for myself she hates me. i''m scared she gets sick because i upset her and i was rude. i owe my life to my mom. she is my mother and father. i just want her to love and accept me. i dont want her to hurt. how to i fix this without giving up myself. i''m so worried about her being in pain due to my disrepect that i''ve been physically ill today

Reply to nix

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