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Question
Posted by: Stephanie | 2010/08/09

About mom and put downs

I''m a married lady of 30. Very happily married. We have a very close extended family. The thing is my mother always puts me down. Every chance she gets. In front of company. And it hurts!
When I draw her attention to it, she says she didn''t mean it that way. But even my husband has noticed. I have told her that when she says things like that, it hurts me, although she doesn''t mean it that way.
And then she says she wants to be my best friend and she wants to be able to talk to me! If i talk to her about something, she pretends to listen. I know this because when I talk to her about it the next time, she says I never told her.
I feel like she''s a " fair weather friend" . She''s always been like this to me. I''ve tried, really I have. And I don''t want to stop the visits as she''s my mom, and we love her.


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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Try to treat your mom's unpleasant comments as you would treat the dog next door when he barks - the noise is about the dog, and her nasty comments are ABOUT HER, not about you. let them pass. Treat it as though she had embarrassingly passed wind - its not pleasant, but not something you'd allow to ruin your evening.
Tell her if she genuinely wants to be your best friend, she still has to learn how to be friendly , and how to pay attention to what you need and enjoy, and to notice and react to whatever effect her words have on you.

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2
Our users say:
Posted by: anon | 2010/08/10


What is it with moms to their daughters?! I have the same problem, and just as i think it has gotten better it starts again. My Hubby also notices. My sister- in - law has a worse problem with her mother. It doesnt matter how kind you are to them either or if you ignore the hurtful comments or if you tell them they are hurtful. Like you say, they just deny it even though it was very obviously meant to hurt, if you were paying attention. I wonder if your mother also sides with your hubby at every opportunity even when there is no siding needed which then results in an arguement where there wouldnt have been one. I share your fustration. thank goodness you have a good a relationship with your husband because it can really cause problems if you let it.

Reply to anon
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/08/10

Try to treat your mom's unpleasant comments as you would treat the dog next door when he barks - the noise is about the dog, and her nasty comments are ABOUT HER, not about you. let them pass. Treat it as though she had embarrassingly passed wind - its not pleasant, but not something you'd allow to ruin your evening.
Tell her if she genuinely wants to be your best friend, she still has to learn how to be friendly , and how to pay attention to what you need and enjoy, and to notice and react to whatever effect her words have on you.

Reply to cybershrink

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