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Question
Posted by: Lizzy | 2011/01/26

Abortions

Dear Doc,

At age 19 i met a " wonderful"  man, who cheated on me every second he could get. I think he may be a sex-addict. After 7mnts of going out with him i found out he was still married &  his wife was pregnant with their 2nd child. Still he begged and convinced me to stay. He was a long distance truck driver and im sure he had woman in every town he stopped to " rest" . After a year i found out he made a 15yr old girl pregnant and that she was suing him for statutory rape and child maintenance. Still STUPID me stayed with him and after the 15yr old''s baby was born i supported them (her and baby) financially, not him.

Then he impregnated another in Jhb. He however denies the child is his. At 22 i fell pregnant with his child, he begged me to have his baby - i was dumb enough to agree. At 4mths i decided to have an abortion - he pretended he was sad, but i knew better. I then left my job to have a " life"  with him on the truck. After many other affairs and kids - i finally broke it off with him after 2yrs and 6mnts.

My school sweatheart and i got back together and i moved to Cape Town to live with him - after a year he said he wanted to move back to the Free State to be close to family and friends, i agreed, i managed to find a job in Bloen and he said he will follow soon. i started my job and the next day found out i was pregnant (i was on Triphasal, so i did take precaution) needless to say, moving alone, starting a new job and being preggies freaked me out so i had another abortion. i told him i had a miscarriege - our relationship couldnt survive the long distance and we split after 3yrs.

i was in a relationship with another wonderful man for 6yrs, but he also moved out of town for another job and after a year our relationship took strain!! It ended, but we still keep in touch.

I then fell in love with a divorced single Dad, dated him for 3yrs, but could never love or handle his daughter of 6yrs old. I really really love this man, but cannot handle the kid - so i broke it off.

The guy that im still in contact with now wants me to move to him, im considering it, but he wants kids one day - and this stresses me out!!

What is wrong with me and kids???? Please help me! Im an now 36yrs old!!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

How unfortunate that you met this horrible person, whose charm, like any confidence trickster, was a tool of his selfish manipulation of others.
As you recognize now, it was amazingly foolish to stay with such a creature even once you know of his evil and cruel behaviour towards others, including you.
You seem to have really, really poor judgement of what makes a "wonderful" man. See a personal counsellor / therapist, and work through all your issues. Do not move towns in pursuit of the possibility of love, and don't form relationships with men with children until you have sorted out your complex feelings about children. YOu are already of an age where some would advise against haing children, yourself, as the risk to mother and baby rises at this stage in life. Having avoided sexual relationships for a year was a wise and at last a mature decision.
To those who have made savagely cruel comments to this woman, read and think before responding to quesions. She said she WAS using oral contraceptives. ( Though the most effective oral contraceptive is saying No. )

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Absolutely! | 2011/01/27

Interesting, i enjoyed this conversation ages ago the first time!

LOL Here I go repeating myself again, how entertaining for you!

So what can we say then Mia? Sin is sin love the sinner not the sin but fear not continue to sin? With " no regrets"  ? To murder a child and say i have no regrets? To do it repeatedly? How can anyone receive any mercy if they have " no regrets"  ?

If I do great evil, am not contrite and say I regret not the evil I have done, then receive the compassion and love from others who say do not judge, then what of these people?
Is God among them? Who is their father? Is God who is Holy their father? Are they even trying to approach him? Or are they a complete reproach?

Reply to Absolutely!
Posted by: Mia | 2011/01/27

I agree its murder. But let me ask you this have you ever taken something that does not belong to you? anything? a pen? R2? sugar out of the sugar pot. Have you ever told a " white lie"  ? And please look into your soul and don''t lie about this.

Well taking something that does not belong to you is stealing
Stealing is a sin Murder is a sin. Lying is a sin
An guess what a SIN is a SIN in God eyes there are no big sins and small sins. Sins are sin.

Show me one person who is without sin. Maybe you that person!!!!!!!!!!!

Reply to Mia
Posted by: Absolutely! | 2011/01/27

Look lets not beat around the bush here (even if its burning!)

Lets simplify this, whether God forgives or not is up to him, I have one question.

Is abortion murder or not?

Reply to Absolutely!
Posted by: Mia | 2011/01/27

Lizzy ignore all these Judges here. Obviouly they anoited themselve Gods. I have to confess that I was one of those who were against abortions. I too used to judge people who had them until I found nysel in a situation where abortion was the only way out.

I am still against abortion but I don''t judge anyone who shooses that as lif can be hard and you make mistakes. And I learnt the lessons and yes some of us need to go through it a coule of times before we understand.

I feel remorse for havin an abortion but I also know that it was the best ecision at the time andI also know WOTHOUT ANY DOUBT GOD HAS FORGIVEN ME.
Pleas guys stop judgong until you walk a mile in another persons shoes you''ll never know. I say this as I''ve been thereand believe me this does not mean I condone abprtion but I understand why some people do it

Reply to Mia
Posted by: Lizzy | 2011/01/27

Claire - i love u!!!

Reply to Lizzy
Posted by: Claire | 2011/01/27

To those who have harsh words say- who the fck do you guys think you are? Are you all gods that you are so perfect? You want to act all righteous and judge Lizzy but let he who is without sin cast the first stone. It''s easy to speak when it''s not you. Assholes.

Reply to Claire
Posted by: Soul | 2011/01/27

I disagree with you Just Saying there are many women that have been in Lizzy''s situation and never did what she did, and did it alone without a husband, so don''t generalise. Yes it is her choice and it is her right and she is the one that has to live with the choices and decisions she has made.

Guilt is hard to live with when one makes hard decicions, and she made it clear that she''s not sorry about it which is her right.

Ricky most women won''t find themselves in the same position as Lizzy, I believe they would learn that lesson the first time round and not have to repeat it over again, how many times.

Reply to Soul
Posted by: Ricky | 2011/01/26

It is so easy for people to point fingers at others when they have never been in the same situation .. to hell with those who judge you Lizzy .... I wonder how they would react if they were in a situation such as the one you found yourself in ... we all make mistakes in life, some more foolish than others, but not one person has the right to judge another for the choices and/or mistakes they have made! Keep your chin up ... everything in your life will work out for the best. I like the way you think about the grants and having kids for the sake of getting a handout .... you take care .. I wish u everything of the best!

Reply to Ricky
Posted by: Lizzy | 2011/01/26

Just saying! Thats so true!!

Reply to Lizzy
Posted by: just saying! | 2011/01/26

Lizzy
I found that woman and some men that always judge other woman to make a sound choice for her self were never in that position, I made a choice not to have more kids and so be it , but from the sound of it you made the right decision not to have babies with these losers , focus on getting well and sort yourself out, (love yourself before others will), good luck and god forgave you already.
I was in the same position like you before and had to made a life changing decision , I am the one living with it not the judgemental people in this world,
You will found that some woman just dont care if you are a battling single mom as long as you dont do abortions, but they dont know that the sperm donor ran away and the single mom sits with all the problems(money etc) but they dont have to worry they have a husband....

Reply to just saying!
Posted by: Lizzy | 2011/01/26

Thanx Bella, ur so kind!

Reply to Lizzy
Posted by: Bella | 2011/01/26

Hi Lizzy, I think you are a wonderful person, and please ignore all the nasty comments, those woman are naive, and probably still believe that the world is flat. I think you made the right choice :)

Reply to Bella
Posted by: Lizzy | 2011/01/26

Someone suggested sterilization, but Us as black woman MUST have kids, so steralization is out of the question.

I have asked for forgiveness and have made peace with myself.

I refuse to live like other especially BLACK woman like me. Some of my friends have kids just for the grants!!! They dont have money for the kids, yet they carry on BREEDING, either for the "  FREE"  money or hoping for a son for the husband. i will never do that!!

Reply to Lizzy
Posted by: Lizzy | 2011/01/26

thanx to the following people for advice and not ripping me to pieces:
Cyber Doc
Me
Guest
Romany and
Gracie

Reply to Lizzy
Posted by: Gracie | 2011/01/26

Don''t judge someone unless you have walked a mile in their shoes! Lizzy made choices and has to live with it for the rest of her life, she does not need a bunch of holier than thou strangers making her feel even worse about it and before any of you attack me, NO I have never had an abortion ... at the end of the day it''s my body, my choice! I am opposed to abortion, but I feel each woman has the right to make a decision even if it''s not always the right one! Lizzy you need to take the advice of CS (seeing that HE is the EXPERT here) ... Good luck girl I hope all works out well for you!!

Reply to Gracie
Posted by: Romany | 2011/01/26

I cannot believe how you guys can judge Lizzy like this !!!! Abortion is your choice. If you don''t like the idea, keep it to yourself. It is law in this country that you can choose.
Each to their own.

Lizzy reaches out for help and you rip her to pieces because you do not believe the same as her?
Ag nee man.

Lizzy you have t explore other options for better birth control to save yourself the hurt and pain of further " problems" 

Reply to Romany
Posted by: Guest | 2011/01/26

I have to agree with Lizzy. You people are very judgemental. I posted a question and had a few non medical answers. You are clearly hanging around the cybershrink on-line for a reason, possibly also psych related - are you / any of you in a position to make judgements and give advice?

Reply to Guest
Posted by: Guest | 2011/01/26

I have to agree with Lizzy. You people are very judgemental. I posted a question and had a few non medical answers. You are clearly hanging around the cybershrink on-line for a reason, possibly also psych related - are you / any of you in a position to make judgements and give advice?

Reply to Guest
Posted by: me | 2011/01/26

Wow how dare you guys judge her, this was her life, her decision, well Lizzy, atleast you are old and hopefully mature enough now to realise you must do what is best for you, in my opinion dont move in with him, if he asks you to marry him, you know he is serious and then go ahead with moving in, with regards to the abortions, I know if you ask forgiveness from God he will for give you, dont mind these people its not like they havent done anything that they regret or made the same mistake a few times, also try and go see your gynae and ask about a mirena, and then still practise safe sex if you are going to, but atleast the risk of preagnancy is almost 0.


Good luck, straighten yourself out, I am sure you are a beautiful person, dont let things from the past and fears created around it ruin your future :-)

Reply to me
Posted by: Soul | 2011/01/26

Personally Lizzy you shouldn''t be in any kind of relationship, you need to focus on getting yourself sorted out. You not mature or stable period. At least the one good thing is you haven''t slept around for the last year, so good on you for that one.

Reply to Soul
Posted by: Absolutely! | 2011/01/26

Cool you have no regrets, great! wish the same could be said for your dead children they didnt live long enough to even find out what a regret is!

But hey, as long as your ok!

Reply to Absolutely!
Posted by: Lizzy | 2011/01/26

Slinky - thanx. Im not moving. Ever since my 1st abortion i went on triphasal contraceptive and still fell pregnant. after the second i changed to ovral - the strongest pill. i am safe. Also i havnt been intimate with anyone for almost a year now!! Besides, i didnt do the abotions for fun or easy way out. Financially i couldnt afford a kid, and i wasnt gona give it up for adoption or have my poor parents raise it. Im not at all sorry that i did it - i have no regrets!!!

Reply to Lizzy
Posted by: Slinky | 2011/01/26

Do not move in with him, get into therapy as soon as possible.You have a history of making wrong choices and need to work on this before making any more wrong decsions. Ask your GP to point you in the right direction.
I think having the abortions was the right thing to do you are not yet emotionally mature/stable for motherhood.

Reply to Slinky
Posted by: Lizzy | 2011/01/26

i asked the DOCTOR - not u people. How dare u judge me??

Reply to Lizzy
Posted by: Absolutely! | 2011/01/26

Damn girl, your just a mean lean baby killing machine, ever thought of maybe more preventative forms of contraception before the child is created within you? Like a condom maybe or a pill? You know that you have commited murder with each abortion, you have murdered your own children,murder is murder.

Reply to Absolutely!
Posted by: ........ | 2011/01/26

get help you are sick in your head.....babay killer!!!

Reply to ........
Posted by: anon | 2011/01/26

where do silly women like you come from.?

Reply to anon
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/01/26

How unfortunate that you met this horrible person, whose charm, like any confidence trickster, was a tool of his selfish manipulation of others.
As you recognize now, it was amazingly foolish to stay with such a creature even once you know of his evil and cruel behaviour towards others, including you.
You seem to have really, really poor judgement of what makes a "wonderful" man. See a personal counsellor / therapist, and work through all your issues. Do not move towns in pursuit of the possibility of love, and don't form relationships with men with children until you have sorted out your complex feelings about children. YOu are already of an age where some would advise against haing children, yourself, as the risk to mother and baby rises at this stage in life. Having avoided sexual relationships for a year was a wise and at last a mature decision.
To those who have made savagely cruel comments to this woman, read and think before responding to quesions. She said she WAS using oral contraceptives. ( Though the most effective oral contraceptive is saying No. )

Reply to cybershrink

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