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Question
Posted by: Anon | 2012/07/16

Abortion

Hi Cybershrink.

My sister who is (18) and in matric and her boyfriend whO is 19/20. Decided to have an abortion! His mother apparently grounded him fo life! This is so pathetic! How does a mother ground a grown up " BOY"  when he did adult things, and should be facing up to his responsibility which he helped create. His mother (indian B) hates my sister because because my sister is half Indian half white! Can''t my lil Sis see that, if he could not defend and stand up against his mother, he never will defend and protect her. Of course only lie and brain wash her more! My lil sister attempted suicide, one and a half years back. For another " useless indian boy"  and now she took an innocent life for another " useless Indian lame excuse for a man!" ! Why does she think these " Indian boys"  will give her what she wants? The always keep questioning her breed! By making her feel shit that they are pure " bred" ! She is such a beautiful young lady. And these " useless indian boys"  just end up using both my two lil sisters! I even more mad at my mother for dropping my Sister at the last moment! The say my lil sister told my mother she''s pregnant. My mother still continued to go galavanting with her bOyfriend! So I can''t see how my mother wants to be all angry! After all we learning from her " drop your responsibilities for a man" , I was never raised by my mother. By my granny. So that should give you an idea of how my mother is. She has the excuse that she did it because she " didn''t want to bring the child into an unhappy home"  my mother was okay with her being pregnant! His mother was not! She treatened to kill him! And she herself wanted to take my sister for an abortion! Than she barred him from seeing her and grounded him for life? Than why go with ahead with the abortion? If he is grounded for life already? I feel like picking the phone uP and telling that Useless excuse for a mother so much crap! As a matter of fact! She is turning him into a rat for not taking care of his respOnsibility! So I told him, he shOuld nEver be in a relationshiP with something that can talk or fall pregnant! he would suit better with a vibrator. She is so infatuated and mesmerised by this one shit head! When she could be with someone who will respect her, protect and defend her. And will than show her the meaning of what love is! I always said! If a guy says he loves you! But can''t stand up to his own mother! Than he never loved you enough to stand up for you and fight for you!

Sorry for long post.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Its a feature of some cultural patterns in some communities, of course, both that parents and mothers perhaps in particular, feel totally entitled to interfere and command ( rather than advise and help ) in their children's lives even long after the "child" is legally and socially adult.
So not all mothers could even think of "grounding for life" an adult son or daughter.
Having worked in and with the Indian community for many years, I know that it is one of several cultural groups within which Mothers can have and wield enormous power within the family.
Such powers are always actually only existent by consent - as with anoyone else in your life, they only hold over you whatever power you choose to give them.
Racial prejudices or other prejudices including racial elements are sadly common in many communities ( and thinking of anyone as an "Indian boy" is part of the problem ) There are irresponsible men and women ) in every possible community, and one needs to recognize and avoid such people, not to reject whole classes or people because the last three villains you met happened to come from one of them.
Sounds like your sister's problem isn't with "Indian boys" but with her own immaturity, impetuousness amd really bad judgement. Maybe she needs counselling to become more street-smart and sensible.
Maybe, fro your description, your mother has been an ineficient and toughtless mother, setting a bad example for her daughter. But it hardly sounds as though she's likely to change just because you told her how awful her behaviour was or is.
Making ANYONE feel bad for being of any race, or any mixed race, is prejudiced, bad and indefensible.
Your sister is at least legally adult, even if at times she is emotionally and behaviourally infantile - and adults have the right to be foolish if they insist. You cannot help someone who doesn't want to be helped. Only if and when she recognizes the extent to which she has been nmessing up, and asks for help, will you be able to be really useful - indicate that you want to and will remain ready to help, and try to wait patiently.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

8
Our users say:
Posted by: Me | 2012/07/19

She is an adult so stay away.

Reply to Me
Posted by: Angela | 2012/07/16

Look, fact is she''s 18 years old, old enough to know when a man is right for her and when he isn''t.

My story is pretty similar, and from my experience, it seems like she wants your support and that''s just it- no lectures, no getting involved in her life, just your support. I also had a suicide attempt, you know why? Because I was already unhappy with life, but I just wanted to be happy with my boyfriend, but his mother was all involved thinking she knew me, my family was all involved thinking they knew him, no one liked each other, bad mouthing each other and fact is, my boyfriend and I just wanted to be happy with each other. By telling her what you think of her boyfriend, trust me you are NOT opening her eyes to anything. You are just making yourself look bad, your family look unsupportive (and no matter how much you try say you support her, if you are being negative towards the relationship and saying bad things about the boyfriend, well that''s not very supportive, now is it).

I fell pregnant with my 20 year old boyfriend when I was 16. I had a secret abortion, no one in my family nor his even knew I was pregnant. So firstly be greatful that your sister even opened that up to you.

Everyone said the same thing about my boyfriend that you are saying about this guy- that he doesn''t respect me, if he won''t stand up against his mother he won''t stand up for you period, etc. They were all completely wrong. He did stand up to his mother eventually- once we had moved out. Ever thought this guy is trying to keep the peace with his mother because he lives under her roof? I mean you say the mother is pathetic, but the boy is obviously learning from her, you don''t mention a father, that family is dysfunctional then... the boyfriend can only do what he has learnt to do, you know?

My boyfriend back then is now my husband, we have one child and he is the best husband and father a person could ever ask for, despite all the difficulties we had in our relationship.

I guess what I am saying is that don''t think you know the relationship when you don''t. You may be getting a one sided version from your sister who obviously has problems, and you are making assumptions based on what is going on. I mean, if the guy was just using her or whatever, or didn''t really love her, he would go running. After all these problems, ESPECIALLY the pregnancy, and he still sticks by her? You say he''s not a man? You say he''s bad, you''ve told him to his face what you think of him, yet he still wants to be with your sister despite what your family thinks of him? Any childish boy would have run for the hills with all these problems.

And also, remember your sister is her own person. You can''t just always blame the guy for her bad decisions- I mean she is the one choosing to stay with these people too.

You say she will need to put the blame on someone and basically implying she will put the blame on this guy- fact is they BOTH decided to take foolish risks and get pregnant. That is a fact, so she should blame herself too.

Babying her and trying to blame all other people is NOT helping her. She needs to see her mistakes for what they really are, she needs to see this man in her own light, not yours, and you need to make her understand that you will love her and support her no matter what.

Reply to Angela
Posted by: Nini | 2012/07/16

I am also very against abortion, but in the end of the day what''s done is done. She made her decision, and it cannot be reversed.

However, I do want to encourage you that even though this was not the ideal situation, if you can think of the future then you might realise that if this man is really as big a " poophole"  as you say he is, then perhaps them not sharing a child together is a good thing in the long run. If and when she does eventually realise that she is better off without him AND HIS FAMILY, then she will be able to walk away with absolutely nothing holding her back, and there will bo nothing that can keep them in each others lives.

Had there been a child involved then unfortunately your sister will be linked to this man an his family for the rest of her life, and she will never have the chance to set herself free.

As I said before, she made a bad decision, but what''s done is done. Time to now focus on the positive and rather than fighting her, try and support her from here on forward. Maybe she really doesnt want you advice? Maybe she wants a sister that she can rely on unconditionally. I for sure know that is what I love about my sister.

I know you want more for her, so be patient with her and in the mean time just let her know that you love her and you want to support her. Especially that your concern is that she may commit suicide - for her to believe that her own family judges her and she nobody to turn to in time of need, that will make the thought of suicide more real. Unconditional love, support, no judging... Just be there for her.



Reply to Nini
Posted by: Gracie | 2012/07/16

Your sister''s body, your sister''s choice. Rather an abortion that bringing a child into this world to be parented by two people who are still children themselves. Instead of fighting with her, take her to a family planning clinic for contraceptives so that she does not fall pregnant again. 18 years is very young to become a mother - it is a huge responsibility for both the mother and father of the baby and if they are not mature enough to handle such a responsibility, then it''s better that she had the abortion. I am not for abortions, but believe it''s every woman''s right to make that decision. They obviously realise that they are not ready for a baby.

Reply to Gracie
Posted by: Maria | 2012/07/16

You have to get past the fact that your sister had an abortion without consulting anybody. The fact is, she is 18 and she has the right to do that. As long as you hold that against her she will not accept any help from you as she will feel that you are judging her instead of accepting her.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: Anon | 2012/07/16

Hi Maria

She doesn''t want our support. Cause whateve we do, it''s not good enough for her. But only what he does or says is what''s right for her. Like take the fact that she went for an abortion. She never consulted her families! Or any of her three big sisters. She consulted him, obviously the rat would make her do it! I said it to everyone when the news erupted. That deep down he wants her to go for an abortion. She never tell me herself as we were not and still is not on speaking terms. but I sent her a heartfelt message last night. And told her I blame myself for not being there for her and I''m sorry. But now, it''s the emotional, physical and psychological trauma that she will have to live with for the rest of her life. How do we help her move forward? It is her last year in school. She already did not go for her matric dance. And now she missed out on an opportunity to bring a new member into our lives. Most importantly on her first pregnancy :(. I''m scared she''ll attempt suicide if he leaves her, as their relationship is already doomed! She is going to need to put the blame on someone. And when reality knocks in, and she starts realising what a Poophole he is she will attempt suicide. Even the psychologist said. She''ll do it again.

I''m sorry for all the mistakes I made in my typing.

Reply to Anon
Posted by: Maria | 2012/07/16

I had no idea that there is such racism in the indian community and I find it very sad. I agree with you that grounding a man that age is ridiculous and of course " for life"  even more so.

I suggest that you don''t try to tell your sister what to do, because it sounds as if she will do exactly the opposite in rebellion. Rather show a sincere interest in her life. Ask her what it is about this guy that she finds so attractive and listen to her anwer WITHOUT judging or commenting in any way. Just let her tell you. Sometimes when we say something out loud it leads to insight. Take an interest in her school work and offer to help her or find help for her if she is struggling with anything. Organise a girls night for her and some girl friends.

Good luck. She is lucky to have you.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/07/16

Its a feature of some cultural patterns in some communities, of course, both that parents and mothers perhaps in particular, feel totally entitled to interfere and command ( rather than advise and help ) in their children's lives even long after the "child" is legally and socially adult.
So not all mothers could even think of "grounding for life" an adult son or daughter.
Having worked in and with the Indian community for many years, I know that it is one of several cultural groups within which Mothers can have and wield enormous power within the family.
Such powers are always actually only existent by consent - as with anoyone else in your life, they only hold over you whatever power you choose to give them.
Racial prejudices or other prejudices including racial elements are sadly common in many communities ( and thinking of anyone as an "Indian boy" is part of the problem ) There are irresponsible men and women ) in every possible community, and one needs to recognize and avoid such people, not to reject whole classes or people because the last three villains you met happened to come from one of them.
Sounds like your sister's problem isn't with "Indian boys" but with her own immaturity, impetuousness amd really bad judgement. Maybe she needs counselling to become more street-smart and sensible.
Maybe, fro your description, your mother has been an ineficient and toughtless mother, setting a bad example for her daughter. But it hardly sounds as though she's likely to change just because you told her how awful her behaviour was or is.
Making ANYONE feel bad for being of any race, or any mixed race, is prejudiced, bad and indefensible.
Your sister is at least legally adult, even if at times she is emotionally and behaviourally infantile - and adults have the right to be foolish if they insist. You cannot help someone who doesn't want to be helped. Only if and when she recognizes the extent to which she has been nmessing up, and asks for help, will you be able to be really useful - indicate that you want to and will remain ready to help, and try to wait patiently.

Reply to cybershrink

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