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Question
Posted by: Donovan | 2010/11/30

abortion

my wife had an abortion, but only told me months later. I cannot forgive her since i don''t have any children of my own and she does have two of her own from a previous marriage. I was diagnosed with a low sperm count and after 18years of trying i gave up and realise i won''t have children, then i met her my second wife who i fell in love with, and she knew of my medical problem and yet still had the abortion, i cannot forgive and i realise that my marriage is over, after i''ve tried to hang in for 5years now, but i just cannot get over this, i don''t flirt with other women, i believe in one woman, but i had lost trust in my relationship with her, maybe i''m hanging because i do feel sorry for her and the kids. I do love them but it ain''t enough. I am going to try and ask a divorce in January since December is family time. Well just wanted to get this off my chest.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

It does sound like an most unfortunate and cruel thing for her to have done - despite the greater burden of a pregnancy on the woman, a child is the product of the woman and man, and to disregard his obvious interest in the pregnancy is disrespectful, selfish, and unkind. How did she react to your feelings about this ?
Would marriage counselling possibly be of any use ? If she is so little interested in your feelings, maybe she wouldn't take such counselling seriously.
Don't let people push you into "forgiving" her. Set yourself free from the natural bitterness, by all means, but delay "forgiveness" until her atitude shows a proper understanding of why her action was so wrong, and true regret for its effects on you.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Red | 2010/12/03

No, I don''t agree with you. - as such.
I don''t believe abortions should be carried out after a certain stage, as it is then a fully-formed baby, but in the early stages it isn''t a sentient being - it is just cells - according to science, anyway.

Question: when a person has a baby that they honestly cannot look after - are you volunteering to take it in - what do you suggest gets done with all those unwanted, starving babies out there? Who''s going to look after them? Surely being born into a situation that is terrible, where a child may end up on the streets, fending for itself in horrific circumstances, isn''t this really a slow death?
Allowing this to happen, consciously knowing that this can - and does - happen, and not doing anything about it (and I''m talkiong about people who stand by &  do nothing to help these children,) is, in a way, murder. For every child born into a world where his existence is unwanted (some even being dumped in toilets &  bins) - this is worse than murder, as I see it.

I''m not saying people should just ''sommer'' have abortions because abortion is a serious decision to make, with very serious emotional (and possibly physical) consequences (prevention Is better than cure ), but if the situation is called for (e.g. abuse, poverty, medical factors, etc) then a woman has the right to choose what to do with her body, knowing the possible outcome of having an unwanted child.

However, this isn''t a discussion thread about the pros and cons of abortion, it is about this guy who''s wife didn''t tell him up front, about which he DID have a right to know, even though I dont feel it is his right to decide what happens to HER body.

Reply to Red
Posted by: Olivia | 2010/12/02

Thank you for sharing this with me. Have you not considered adoption? I know of a nother couple that were struggling cause the man was not able to but then they adopted. It might not be your own but you would be providing love and care for that baby that would have not have had anything to offer... If I did not have my son I would have probably gone that route but I thank God everyday. It was not easy for me back then but now I am grateful and told my husband that if it wasnt for my son things would have been more tough on him. We spoke last night and I am so scared of treatments not working either as I know he too is crushed over this but does not show me but I can see him hiding the tears away. I wish you all of the best. All the Love, Peace and Light to you. God bless!!! Mwah

Reply to Olivia
Posted by: Donovan | 2010/12/02

Hallo Olivia, i''ve went for many tests and treatment, but no success. Honestly for me not being able to have children i feel devestated, i feel alone, i feel that i''m not man enough, well i''ve learned to cope with the issue now, but everytime i see a pretty baby or pretty girl or playfull young boy, my heart starts to crumble, it is something that will stuck with you for the rest of your life, in fact it makes you feel guilty for not making your wife happy with a child, i was there with my 1st marriage and it puts alot of pressure on you. It ain''t easy to accept, but you do come to terms after many years.

Reply to Donovan
Posted by: Olivia | 2010/12/01

Hi Donavan, I am so sorry for what you are going through. I would partly agree with maybe that it maybe was not your child? what are the chances that after so long with your 2nd wife she falls pregs? anyway as you said it does not matter. My husband also had a low sperm count and we are also not able to conceive. He does not even talk to me about it. I have a son that I had when I was 17, he is now 12 and is my life. So obv I dont put pressure on the situation because I have a child. It is selfish I suppose cause if I did not have my son, I would have faught the fight to the end. Have you guys tried IVF? my hubs wants to go that route but I feel very uncomfortable. He must just stop his smoking habits and go on a healthy diet but he is not willing to do this beacuse there is an easy way out. My question to you is...how does a man really feel?when he cant make babies?

Reply to Olivia
Posted by: repo | 2010/11/30

" men are averse to abortion "  red

Red i dont think that only men are " averse"  to abortion.

You do agree with me that abortion is actually MURDER?

Reply to repo
Posted by: Donovan | 2010/11/30

we did went for counselling and it seems that she is sad of what she had done, but to keep going on and support her two children who i honestly love, but with a abused ex who took the kids now and then and when they do come back i am the bad guy in their eyes for at least a week or two. It is hard to get over your own emotions and to support your wife who was at fault for the decision she had made, but i cannot get over the frustrations and bitterness. I asked her whether the child would have been mine and she said yes, if it''s the truth or not, but i want to move on and maybe find love again, but i am the type of person who will carry a trustwhorthy and loving woman on my hands. I see so may bad fathers who don''t care for their young ones, who drinks and who abuse, all i wanted was a happy and loving family, i have so much to give but unfortunately it was taken away from me. Thanx for the replies.

Reply to Donovan
Posted by: Red | 2010/11/30

Well, she should have told you, but as it is her that would have to carry it, push it out and breastfeed it, etc, don''t you think it''s a little selfish of you to EXPECT her to have your child just because you have a low sperm count? After all, she will be doing the crappiest part of the work.
Always amazes me how men are averse to abortion (although she still should have told you sooner) when it isn''t them that are doing all the hard work! They don''t have to carry the baby to term, change their eating habits, suffer the pain &  fear oif birth, breastfeed (which for many women is painful), sit with painful vagina, etc!!!

Reply to Red
Posted by: Maybe | 2010/11/30

Maybe it wasn''t your child that she was carrying.

Reply to Maybe
Posted by: repo | 2010/11/30

Sounds like a very difficult situation if you have made up your mind then the relationship will be over soon and you can move on. abortion is a seriously messed up thing, dont underestimate the impact an abortion has on a woman its something they carry with them for the rest of their lives and has a tremendous spiritual aspect to it. try and forgive and support her before you end the relationship, it may sound like a contradiction but it isnt it can be done.

Out of interest,I read online the other day official stats released by the American government (ok it was online so may not be accurate) 53 million abortions in America since the historic court case in the 70''s. 53 million, thats more than the population of England ( i think England is around 51 million) and more than the population of South Africa (SA is 49 million). Imagine waking up one morning and 49 million people are dead, an entire country.
Thats alot of dead people and to think America encourages this behaviour all over the world and is the " model"  for " modern democracy"  Amazing the world we allow ourselves to live in, isnt it?

Reply to repo
Posted by: Anon | 2010/11/30

Hi Dovovan

My heart goes out to you, I think your wife is selfish.
After struggeling to fall pregnany my husband of 6 years walk out on my and my little girl.
My heart is breaking for my little girl whose father doesnt care about us.

Dont know what to say to you, Hoping that one day you will find it in your heart to forgive her.

Reply to Anon
Posted by: MattsMom | 2010/11/30

Trust is imperative in a relationship and I agree that once that has been broken you cannot always get it back. Good luck to you!!

Reply to MattsMom
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/11/30

It does sound like an most unfortunate and cruel thing for her to have done - despite the greater burden of a pregnancy on the woman, a child is the product of the woman and man, and to disregard his obvious interest in the pregnancy is disrespectful, selfish, and unkind. How did she react to your feelings about this ?
Would marriage counselling possibly be of any use ? If she is so little interested in your feelings, maybe she wouldn't take such counselling seriously.
Don't let people push you into "forgiving" her. Set yourself free from the natural bitterness, by all means, but delay "forgiveness" until her atitude shows a proper understanding of why her action was so wrong, and true regret for its effects on you.

Reply to cybershrink

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