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Question
Posted by: ABC | 2011/08/23

A mother''s love

I would like to know how a mother can treat her two children differently. How can se expect rules for one child not to be vallid for the other?
What do I do as a grown woman that have just now come to realise that my mother really doesn''t love me, never has.
I know people love their children in different ways, I cant remember the last time my mother told me she loved me (I suspect she never has) but it''s easy for her to tell my brother she loves him?
I dont know why Im getting upset about this. Im 32 for Pete''s sake, but it hurts! I love her dearly. I will never tell anyone anything that she confides in me but she will tell everyone my business. Recently she told my son something that I told her I will tell him when Im ready. Why would she do this? Why hurt me and her 5 year old grandson this way? If I confront her she WILL lie about it and most probably get sick again.
I just dont know anymore. It really hurts!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Its not very difficult to do so, as many people's experiences will prove. It might not be adviseable, but that's a different question.
Obviously at one level, children differ and may have different needs and require different treatment. But I guess you're thinking of prejudicial treatment, being less favourable to one child than another, which is never fair or wise.
Basic rules of conduct and the way a household runs, of course should be valid for everyone ( indeed, parents often forget these ouyght to apply to themselves and not only the children ).
Maybe there are problems between you and your mother. Some people don't show their love well, and many don't say it. One can't assume they don't love you just because they don't say it.
Maybe your mother didn't love you, or loved your brother more ( girls often get on better with their fathers, and boys with mothers ). But you're right to imply that this doesn't have to matter to you. You are a good and loveable person, whatever any other specific person may have thought, felt, or said.
When you say, for instance, that she blurts out to others things you would have preferred her to keep to herself - does she do this with everyone, or just you ? Have you indicated clearly and unambiguously to her that you want these things kept private ? And if she reliably does this, why do you choose to tell her things you want to be kept confidential ?

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2
Our users say:
Posted by: yVETTE | 2011/08/23

ABC, I know how you feel. My husbands mother is the EXACT same way, and it hurts me to see what she does, and how obvious it is that she favours my husbands sister more. She really could get away with murder and their mother would still defend her. My husband has come up with the perfect solution though- he doesn’ t share anything important with her and he keeps contact to a minimum. He loves his mother but doesn’ t trust her. You are a better person for thinking about her well-being, but really she cannot blame her sickness on your if she gets sick, even though she will. Besides, people have to think about the consequences when they do things and if getting sick is a consequence of her actions, then so be it. I know it is harsh but you can’ t live your life to please other people at your expense.

Reply to yVETTE
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/08/23

Its not very difficult to do so, as many people's experiences will prove. It might not be adviseable, but that's a different question.
Obviously at one level, children differ and may have different needs and require different treatment. But I guess you're thinking of prejudicial treatment, being less favourable to one child than another, which is never fair or wise.
Basic rules of conduct and the way a household runs, of course should be valid for everyone ( indeed, parents often forget these ouyght to apply to themselves and not only the children ).
Maybe there are problems between you and your mother. Some people don't show their love well, and many don't say it. One can't assume they don't love you just because they don't say it.
Maybe your mother didn't love you, or loved your brother more ( girls often get on better with their fathers, and boys with mothers ). But you're right to imply that this doesn't have to matter to you. You are a good and loveable person, whatever any other specific person may have thought, felt, or said.
When you say, for instance, that she blurts out to others things you would have preferred her to keep to herself - does she do this with everyone, or just you ? Have you indicated clearly and unambiguously to her that you want these things kept private ? And if she reliably does this, why do you choose to tell her things you want to be kept confidential ?

Reply to cybershrink

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