Posted by: Blue Bird of Happiness | 2010-07-13

A letter to him...

I''m bi-polar, been involved with a guy for over 2 years now. He is making me sad, and I don''t know if he even realise. I write him the following on email - I didn''t know how else to put it:
(what do you think?)

First off, I am so over-sensitive it’ s not even funny.
And I feel overwhelmed with everything on my plate right now so losing weight and doing gym is not always my priority (though I know it should be).
So I cried yesterday, for real, not just for drama.
The emotions go whacked out when my meds are wobbly, but that’ s getting under control so it’ s not the end of the world.
And I am so completely frustrated that I’ m really rather huge right now, believe me, I’ m not ignorant or in denial, I’ m just not making it to be skinny at the moment.
I do know it will be ok, I know I’ m going to be absolutely insatiably $exy again…  in time.
That time is just not right now. But I know so intrinsically that once I’ m more stable, other aspects of my life will fall into place and I will gym everyday and eat healthily and turn into the beautiful swan I used to be.
So you know, I promise it’ s not because I’ m lazy all the time, things are not right and I need to prioritise my stability (mentally, emotionally, FINANCIALLY) and I don’ t feel brilliant right now to be getting ALL of it right whilst maintaining the perfect body as well. Maybe I’ m just not that good, but that’ s ok, because as long as I’ m not suicidal I think of that as a very good place to be.
One step at a time. That’ s all I can do. That’ s all I have the energy for right now, and that energy is volatile at the best of times.
I’ m so tired, exhausted, sick on and off. And I’ m also only human after all.
So forgive me, but I will keep trying nonetheless.
And the fact is that when I’ m with my family, or hanging with my son, and I wear jeans that make me look hippo, they just don’ t comment. They don’ t mind, they don’ t even pay attention.
We just get along, they seem to get that sometimes I’ m skinny, then sometimes I’ m fat, and I’ m just relaxed around them and I don’ t feel bad that I’ m so fat…  they just don’ t make a big deal about it.
My son hugs me the same way, he loves me the same way, he still thinks I’ m a cool mom, no matter the size of my a$$.
And it was such a relief not to have to feel guilty or awkward or weird or always be wearing dresses to feel sort of acceptable.
If you can’ t accept me, small or big, and if I feel as insecure and awkward around you as I do, it’ s not healthy. It doesn’ t help me, it does make me worse.
Because then I can’ t be ok just being me. And I feel guilty all the time. And more and more I’ m feeling very unattractive.
The more I hear from you “ when are you going to gym”    “ when are you going to gym”    “ when are you going to gym”  the more it reinforces that I’ m not ok.
That you’ re not ok with me. By all means encourage me, but please give me a break.
And if you start finding that you’ re not $exually attracted to me when I’ m fat then that’ s ok. You also only human, it’ s only normal for a guy to want $exy, toned, tight a$$.
Then we can be friends and you can have $ex with maybe someone like [your friend] Diane who’ s got that tight $exy little body that’ ll knock your socks off.
Just know that I want to get better, I really do. However, I want to get better in all aspects of my life and being skinny for you is unfortunately not right now something I can just do at the snap of my fingers (although I wish I could).
Whatever you feel is ok. Whatever turns you on is ok. You choose because it’ s your life.
Hey, maybe I get $exy again soon enough, maybe we do have $ex again.
I just don’ t want to feel as ugly as I do around you because you think I’ m not gyming enough. The fact that I want to try and live and make the most of me is so important to me, and in my view it represents progress. My mind and emotional well-being and stability is precious to me and I want to maintain some success in that regard.
Being reminded of how fat I am is not going to help at this stage.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Well said. I presume this arrogant and insensitive guy is himself a magnificent adonis whose looks and figure regularly stop traffic ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: moa | 2010-07-14

if this is going to console you, then i think you must hear it! I am a size 42, 44, 46 ok and i can work my a$$ - i have men drooling over me Yes believe it! What we fail to understand is that there''s different strokes for different folks! there are men who obsess about big women - you will find him! This man is just abusing you emotionally and mentally! Yesterday one guy said that He would love seeing me naked! fortunately i don''t entertain idiots but you could see that he meant it!

Reply to moa
Posted by: Happiness | 2010-07-14

Mmm it sounds like you have a lot on your plate as it is, and to have to deal with this guy''s issues on top of that is just too much. And yes he is toxic.

Reply to Happiness
Posted by: anna | 2010-07-14

Why are you with this person at all? He sounds toxic to me.

Reply to anna
Posted by: Anon | 2010-07-14

Wow, what an insensitive guy! I mean, encouraging someone to do something because it will make them feel better &  healthier is one thing but guilting them &  trying to force them into it because they don''t like overweight women is another! I totally agree with CS - I have a friend who''s partner was just like this - always on at her to lose weight, even said he never thought he would be with someone who''s overweight, etc. And you know what: he wasn''t exactly Brad Pitt himself AT ALL! They broke up in the end, by the way - she started to stand up for herself &  do things to make her happy &  healthy &  because she wasn''t always doing things to please him only it just couldn''t work out. And you know what? She''s SO much happier now!

Especially if you have a condition like bipolar he could try to be a bit more undertsnading, and if he really can''t be then I htikn you need to find someone who cherishes you for who you are &  can try to understand and accomodate your needs as well as his! He''s out there &  you wil be happy. Good luck1

Reply to Anon
Posted by: Jordan | 2010-07-13

Good letter. I hope it sinks in to his thick head.
The part where you say your son hugs you the same bought a tear to my eye. Thats the most important person at least there is something to hug. Personally, I don''t think skinny is attractive, male or female.
And no-one has the right to make you feel sad.
All the best and Good luck.

Reply to Jordan
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010-07-13

Well said. I presume this arrogant and insensitive guy is himself a magnificent adonis whose looks and figure regularly stop traffic ?

Reply to cybershrink

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