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Question
Posted by: Anonymous | 2013/07/25

Q.

Why do men watch porn secretaly?

We are happily married. He is the most kind, wonderfull man but this is a problem for me. It hurts me so much and he doesnt want to talk to me about it. I am very self conscious about myself, low self esteem so I dont undress in front of him or let him see me, because I caught him so many times before. How can I measure up to the women he looks at on the porn sites?? That is impossible. I just dont know what to think any more. I am just really really hurt by this again.

Expert's Reply

A.

Expert ImageSexologist
- 2013/07/25

IT is not uncommon for women to feel threatened / hurt by their husbands watching porn.  Men tend to be stronger visually sexually stimulated.  Most men watching porn will also admit that they are not expecting their wives to act / look like the porn actresses and they will also admit that they are not measuring their wives / partners with the porn stars.  It if for them often purely a sexual stimuli and outlet.  If it is hurting you so much and making you so uncomfortable it is advisable that the two of you seek some guidance from a professional to mediate you through the discussion and insight process.  It is important to remember that in a marriage you are still two individuals and have a need for individual time.  From that understanding men often feel that they want to watch porn in their own time and they also do it secretly as they are often aware of the fact that the partner is not fine with that and actually does not want to upset or involve the partner.  It is however important to discuss one another’s different viewpoints (one is not necessarily right and the other wrong) – you need to find a way to accommodate and understand your difference and needs and explore how it fits into your lives.

For further information please consult SASHA’s website at www.sexualhealthza.co.za. For referral to a professional in your vicinity, please send an email to helpline.sasha@gmail.com.  

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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user comments

C.

Posted by: Anonymous | 2014/10/21

I move in with my fiancé 3 years ago. When I first moved in we had sex 4 times a week, it's been more than a year now that it's gone down to 2, or even once a week. I noticed that he watches porn and masturbates al least once or twice a week too. He always divides it as if it's one for us, one for me. It happens the day before or after we had sex usually. Sometimes on the same day too. I used to try and initiate sex but 9 times out of 10 I got rejected. So I stopped trying, because everytime i hint something he is either tired or not in the mood. He has to plan sex, it's not spontaneous. We don't even have kids yet and I see this as an issue. He denies it lately, deletes his history and hides the evidence etc. I feel unattractive and incapable of turning him on like porn does, even though he says he loves me and finds me attractive...I don't know where to find help anymore..I can't go to consultation because he gets angry everytime I try to discuss this.

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: camille | 2014/09/01

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Reply to camille
Posted by: Anonymous | 2014/08/25

My name is Camille bruno Valdez my partner and I have been trying for a baby for over two years now, We were going to a fertility clinic for about 5 months before somebody told us to contact this spell caster who is so powerful, We contacted him at this email; ojemiritemple@gmail.com, for him to help us, then we told him our problem, he told us that we will either conceive in February 2014 or March 2014,but after two years of trying we were at a point where we were willing to try anything. And I'm glad we came to Dr okoye, Because his pregnancy spell cast put us at ease, and I honestly believe him, and his gods really helped us as well, I am thankful for all he has done. contact him via email: Ojemiritemple@gmail.com.com if you are trying to get a baby or want your lover back, and ifyou wish to see your future. he has powers to do it, he has done mine

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Anonymous | 2014/08/14

Not all men watch porn. My man use to watch it but i told him that it wasn't okay with me at all. We talked about it for a while and eveything and he understood. He was fine with not watching it ever again because he doesn't need that garbage. Its all fake. So I'm glad to say thats not a problem in our relationship.

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Anonymous | 2014/08/07

Most men watch it which I understand but why lie about it. I feel lime if he is lieing to me about thay what 8 is he lieing about?8

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Kate | 2014/08/01

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Reply to Kate
Posted by: Anonymous | 2014/07/04

Im all for the porn watch it with buy it get wild with him. Yet about 5 months ago i found his secret web account to porn sites. Why hide it from me if i have never said no to it?

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Anonymous | 2014/07/04

Im all for the porn watch it with buy it get wild with him. Yet about 5 months ago i found his secret web account to porn sites. Why hide it from me if i have never said no to it?

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Wifewhowatches | 2014/07/04

So what about when the husband watches porn secretly has an account secretly but knows that his wife is completely open to watching with. Infact she enjoys to watch with him buys movies with him gets sexy outfits is wild with him. Great sex life but yet he still hides his online porn sites from her? Thats is my current situation. I know hes had the account for about 5 months. I have not asked him why he hides it from me since I very open to porn and get turned on with him leading to great sex. Im just bothered that he hides it from mote than Ggggg wondering why hide it if im not against it?

Reply to Wifewhowatches
Posted by: Anonymous | 2014/06/29

the history! At first i was really upset because he gets really defensive & says some nasty things. I'm not the most confident person when it comes to my body so in some ways i can understand why he does. I feel a bit of a hypocrite as i like to masturbate myself but don't use porn. I think i have come to accept we both like to do it but he needs visual stimulation. Maybe in the future when i am a bit more confident with my body things will change for us both!

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Anonymous | 2014/06/27

Cause it feels good. My wife never caught me yet. I use this software called Porn Terminator to scan, detect and delete all porn images and videos after I am done. Also I would not want my children to see any porn. Porn Terminator can be found at: http://www.pornterminator.com/

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: I caught someone playing with him self.. | 2014/06/13

I ve seen a lot of articles / messages about women complaining about porn. And the story is always the same: "I caught my boyfriend watching porn". How come.. u NEED to Control if he must or not ? Everyone have there private time. If u can't accept it then maybe he isn't the right one. And Yes, if he don't feel sex is great. He will deffently watch it. Most of the time men don't to talk about it because it isnt cool by women.. Stop having paranoid and get an understanding.

Reply to I caught someone playing with him self..
Posted by: Anonymous | 2014/06/13

I ve seen a lot of articles / messages about women complaining about porn. And the story is always the same: "I caught my boyfriend watching porn". How come.. u NEED to Control if he must or not ? Everyone have there private time. If u can't accept it then maybe he isn't the right one. And Yes, if he don't feel sex is great. He will deffently watch it. Most of the time men don't to talk about it because it isnt cool by women.. Stop having paranoid and get an understanding.

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: ramya | 2014/04/03

Hil im datin him for a year....in the beggining he deleted all the porns frm his system sayin he wouldn watch tem again....whn v started makinout at the early stages he wouldn get a erection at alll...but aftr a month he got to normal. And durin this one month i observed tat he enjoys masturbating more than sex. And for the past 5mnths he has started watchn lots of adult clips again......when I ask him abt sum heroine he says he doesn lik anyone. Behaves lik a saint. But he watches their cleave edge belly on net.and when he had sex with me he told me he was a virgin..it doesn luk lik..frankly I don care if hes not a virgin...but truth matters in a relation ship. And whn ever i get t stay overnite with him I chk his phn.he says hes slpn but watches porn til 3am.wat must I do..pls advice...and he doesn lik me watchin porn....

Reply to ramya
Posted by: Anonymous | 2014/03/18

It all boils down to this. Some men feel so inadequate that they have to use porn alone ...the 'lady' on the screen cannot see the pathetic being who is watching and doesnt expect him to satify her. These cretins wou watch porn can only think of themselves...sad but true.

Reply to Anonymous | 1 comment (hide)
Posted by: Anonymous | 2014/03/18

I agree. no performance required with an image on a screen. probably wouldnt know what to do with a real woman.

Posted by: DJay | 2014/01/21

Shelly Lubben is a liar. Her Pink Cross foundation has long been the center of scandal, fraud, and controversy. She only made one porn movie. ONLY ONE. Her porn name was "Roxxy" or "Roxy". She made the one movie with a C-List, low budget (sleazy) studio, to support her then drug habit. Then she felt ashamed and felt it wasn't for her and she left. Years later, she married some Born Again Christian Evangelical yahoo, and declared herself a minister. She started this Pink Cross thing to "save women from porn", yet she has only reached out to a small handful of adult stars, and has left almost all of them stranded once she got them in front of a camera for her cause. A lot of these girls are starving because of her. She is a liar, a hypocrite, and a thief. She promised these girls assistance and money to help them leave the business. The only one making money is Shelly Lubben. These girls in the industry now have lawyers and agents representing them. They even have their own actor's guild union for adult entertainers. And most of them are NOT on drugs. I know this because I know a young woman in the business. Google Pink Cross Fraud. See what comes up. Shelly Lubben... LIAR

Reply to DJay
Posted by: Anonymous | 2014/01/08

My husband does it to...denies it and gets defensive when caught....wth

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Babe | 2013/08/02

Believe me, plenty women watch it too .... just won't admit to it! Love it myself :)

Reply to Babe | 1 comment (hide)
Posted by: TANK | 2013/09/04

Nice to see some are not shy to addmit it

Posted by: Anonymous | 2013/07/28

Lots of women are reading "mommy porn" without criticism. It's no different to watching porn. Men are just more visual.

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: perfect. | 2013/07/28

I think you can get good information about this topic at www.itsmyviews.com i found best solution at this site.

Reply to perfect.
Posted by: David | 2013/07/27

I can tell you EXACTLY why your husband is watching too much porn, it's this: "I am very self conscious about myself, low self esteem so I dont undress in front of him or let him see me" He wants to see a naked woman! And now he's not even allowed to see his own wife naked! You are basically in effect telling him that for the rest of his life he will never see another woman naked. So his only option is porn or cheating. He still loves you so he chooses the porn option. Trust me, men do not care if your body doesn't "measure up" - they are just more than happy to see you naked and be naked with you! That's how men think. Open up a little to him, let him see you, even if it is difficult for you, trust me, he will enjoy and appreciate it, no matter how you look. He married you after all! So it's not as if there is no basis of attraction in the first place.

Reply to David | 1 comment (hide)
Posted by: David | 2013/07/27

TL;DR: Let Him See You. That is all.

Posted by: Me | 2013/07/26

Has it occurred to you that maybe he feels he is not satisfying you and is watching secretly because he is embarrassed to talk about it. His reluctance to talk about it could be due to embarrassment because you are too conservative to even undress in front of him. I really think you should have some therapy to build up your self confidence although he DID marry YOU and not some porn star and there was a good reason for that. He actually doesn't want some perfect woman who behaves brazenly and dresses provocatively and is a perfect 10. Men can be just as sensitive about these things as women and really don't like to talk especially if they believe they are failing in some way. Sometimes they may need to watch something like that because they need to be stimulated because your perfection intimidates them. Men need to be told often what great lovers they are and what turns you on etc. I have to say as a woman that I personally found porn a huge turn off when my late husband suggested we try to add some spice by watching blue movies together. I find watching a man who can really dance can be highly erotic and maybe you need to find out what turns you on and tell him. Offer him alternatives to porn in that way as all marriages go through highs and lows from time to time. Good luck and believe me if you didn't satisfy him he wouldn't be sitting in front of a screen watching he would be out working late or whatever and finding someone who did excite him just momentarily.

Reply to Me
Posted by: potevan | 2013/07/26

Men watch porn...secretly most of the time. Get over it. It has nothing to do with you.

Reply to potevan
Posted by: Anonymous | 2013/07/26

A little secret to the women out there: Of cause looks are important, but show me one unbelievably beautiful woman and I'll show you a guy who got bored "banging" her. The point is, looks only go so far. But there is a big difference between being attractive and being sexy. Look at Angelina Jolie, she is not that attractive, but damn, sexiness oozes out of her. Making her a fantasy to be with for many (even some women). I believe it is that sexiness that attracts men to watch porn. In real life woman are all insecure about themselves and reserved. But in porn-world, the woman seem to have a lot of self confidence, feel comfortable in their own skin and seem adventures. So dont worry about the cellulite and stuff, because your man don't, but stay shamelessly sexy.

Reply to Anonymous | 1 comment (hide)
Posted by: R2D2 | 2013/07/26

"But in porn-world, the woman seem to have a lot of self confidence, feel comfortable in their own skin and seem adventures." It is because 75% of them or using drugs/alcohol to get through the scene. Go and Google "Pink Cross/Shelly Luben" or YouTube and find out from a former pornstar what is really happening in the adult film industry. It will shock you. The violence and abuse is horrific. Even if that doesn't, you have to be pretty darn stupid to think that the women are really having orgasms or enjoy the men ejaculating on their faces or enjoy have multiple penetrations from strangers. Porn is a lie which I don't buy.

Posted by: My 5 Cents | 2013/07/26

This is definitely all about your insecurities and low self esteem - nothing to do with porn at all. Men masturbate, men watch porn, and men love sex... I would prefer to suggest for a start that you do go for self esteem classes before he does go looking elsewhere!

Reply to My 5 Cents
Posted by: Another anon | 2013/07/26

Watch it together! It's good for your sex life.

Reply to Another anon | 1 comment (hide)
Posted by: Anonymous | 2013/07/26

Amen!

Posted by: Anonymous | 2013/07/26

my wife lets me watch and get my kicks out of it then i dont trouble her for blowjob.

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Stef | 2013/07/26

If you caught him watching porn secretly it means that he wanted you to catch him. He is trying to tell you something. Trust me, if a man watches porn in secret he will hide it and you will not find it. Unless he wants you to.. Talk to him.

Reply to Stef
Posted by: Justme | 2013/07/26

Hi My husband and i watch porn togeather somtimes and the both of us are comfortable with it. Its just getting naughty with somone that you are most comfortable with and who better to do it with than your husband. Also remember all those woman on those websites and movies do you really think they bodies look like the way it does on TV. Im sure they are touched up with foundation and other stuff to hide away the marks and stuff. I think you should talk to him about it and if you are comfortable with it now and then you can watch togeather. Remember there is boundaries and like somone else said as long as he is not experimenting out of your marriage. You are beautiful just remember that and never compare your self to anyone else and you need to start loving yourself more and your body. goodluck...

Reply to Justme | 2 comments (hide)
Posted by: Anonymous | 2013/07/27

Google pornstars without makeup, in the world of photoshop it will introduce some reality, trust me ladies you will feel better

Posted by: anon | 2013/07/26

yes, but make up cant slim down a fat ass or make breasts perkier.

Posted by: Joziline | 2013/07/26

I sometimes watch porn with my wife and she is cool with it. In fact,she watches it more than me lately on the phone. Like last nite,she asked me to send her a porn on her phone so she can watch and thereafter we make love normally and it hepled in that she was ready and it took her only five minutes to reach climax.

Reply to Joziline
Posted by: Anonymous | 2013/07/26

all men watch porn...get over it! They are sex driven! if you ask a man how many times a day he thinks about sex it would be a million times! Its got nothing to do with you. Get some self confidence!

Reply to Anonymous | 4 comments (hide)
Posted by: NANA | 2013/07/26

YES YOU RIGHT...I AGREE

Posted by: Anonymous | 2013/07/26

I mostly agree; most men watch porn at some point or another; and by most I mean 99.5%. I realised this by almost all of my christian friends confessing to me about how they struggle with this. These are guys who in my wildest dreams wouldn't think they watch porn. At a stage I was IT support for a small company and could see what sites was visited; all the men visited porn sites. What bothers me though is that virtually everyone does it, but so many men beat themselves up for not being able to not watch porn occasionally. I dont think it is this evil thing that many people believe it is

Posted by: Badger | 2013/07/26

Not "ALL" men watch porn. Get over yourself and replace your batteries.

Posted by: Anonymous | 2013/07/26

defensive...or got something to hide about being a pervert??

Posted by: J Black | 2013/07/25

Hey Anony! Why are you still living in that shell of yours? My wife was exactly like you and I told her straight “just live your life. It’s only the two off us in the bedroom" Whether there is a little bit of cellulite there, stretch marks here, I don’t care, I love her. She cannot compete with what’s on TV or the internet, nor can I and I am certain the same goes for you and your husband. I say be comfortable with one another and it starts with you. How, you may ask? Confidence in yourself, speak out and put your foot down. Look it is either I respect my wife’s concerns or not. The fact of the matter is that if you do not free yourself and ask him directly “honey what is it that you like about this, how can I satisfy you or how can we spice up our love life” who will then, a psychic? Don’t hurt yourself, let go of the pain, as far as I am concerned, men do like watching porn, but with regards to watching it secretly, others possibly for self indulgence, others lack of intimacy at home, others too embarrassed to watch in front of the partner. Whether he does not want to talk about it, let him know that he is hurting you and both of you need to put things in a clear perspective so that the right hand can understand the left hand. A good man wouldn’t want to continuously hurt his woman.

Reply to J Black | 1 comment (hide)
Posted by: Anonymous | 2013/07/27

I wish all men could think like you!

Posted by: Anonymous | 2013/07/25

tell him you heard something on radio about porn and your stance is that if its just for some stimulation/relief of sexual energy its ok but if it is about experimenting outside marriage then it would be a concern to you. most men are just naughty. thats the naughtiest thing a committed man can do is to watch something your wife dont want you to watch.

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Cyclist | 2013/07/25

Watching porn is usually because it turns the man/woman on.It does not mean to say he finds you unnattractive. Why not suggest to him that you rather watch together and hence both get turned on.

Reply to Cyclist

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