Posted by: Urshela Schutte | 2016/12/28

Partner cheated.... angry at how I reacted

My partner cheated on my... ( he brought his ex and her kids into our house and they spend time in our house while I was traveling for work) previous message.... boyfriend slept with pregnant ex (not his child I know for a fact) . So I found out the Tuesday I came into our house and removed all photos and momentous and I thru it away..... I was so angry and hurt my heart was breaking. I asked him to move out asap he paid 120.000 towards our house we bought... the house on my name only. I paid him his money back in cash and I asked him to leave the house as soon as he received the money. He does not have a job, he gave up his job of 10 years to be with me, but he cheated on me with his ex...... he said that I started drifting away from him past 3 months.... I was getting frustrated that he was not working and also irritated that he was playing games and on WhatsApp a lot. So he is angry with me because I asked him to leave and I knew he had nothing and also I threw away all our things..... Now 3 weeks down the line we have calmed down..... i am now missing him and we still talking every now and again, he still talks to the ex and I said to him that if he loved me that much and wanted a second change why is she still in the picture..... he said he hardly speaks to her....I am also getting the impression he not keen on coming back......he said that I will constantly bring this up and keep it over his head.... I told him he knew that I was in a 30 year relationship that I was cheated on so he knew I had trust issues. My daughter also had a very good relationship with him, but she obviously very angry with him (not living with me she is an adult) but he says that when the incident happened she did not treat him with respect and she we both made him feel like a intruder in the house. He said he contributed more to the house then I the house his as well as much as mine..... I did pay him back his money he invested........ I just get the impression he not sure if he wants me or the ex..... the ex 4 kids and struggling financially, I am independent and kids adults. just confused on his anger now at me for asking him to move out and destroying our stuff..... scary part is I love him dearly. and miss him but he is a bit arrogant about situation and what happened..maybe I was expecting him to be still remorseful but I think he is over it...... not sure what I want either in a way I want him back.. but also then I don't want bad vibes with my daughter. x

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink
- 2016/12/29

Urs, I find this a very confusing story, and it must have been even more confusing to live through. let's see if I'm understanding any of this.
In the past you were in a 30-year relationship which apparently ended after your ex cheated on you. You apparently have some children ( ? from that relationship ) who are adults and concerned about you but not dependent on you. 
You have more recently been in a relationship with the man you are currently troubled about. Whatever he says, he has a continuing and emotionally significant relationship with his ex, ( does he have the 4 kids you refer to ? and are they with her or with other women ? )
Though he seems to try to deny that there is anything active between him and his ex, you say he slept with her, though she is pregnant with another man's child.
You say you asked him to leave the house you shared, which is in your name, and that you repaid him the 120 thousand ran he had paid towards the house in cash ( ? -- do you carry or have in the home that amount of money in cash ? Why ? )  You say he gave up his job to be with you : why ?  Why couldn't he stay with his job, and still be with you as much as anyone in a relationship would be ?  We that perhaps a romantic excuse to stop working, and to live with you at your expense ?  No wonder he was angry at you for spoiling his lazy fun.
He seemingly didn't bother to get another job, and stayed around at home playing games and doing whatever he enjoyed,  while you were working.
Yet you say you love him very much and want him back, though you sensibly also have doubts about this.
Over-all, maybe you should arrange to see a personal counsellor to explore the complex issues involved here, and to start thinking more clearly about what is best for you an your daughter.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: Noty | 2016/12/31

My partner started working 4 month ago, am not working , busy job hunting and baby sitting , the problem is that she gets back home late , shes not taking my calls and never respond to my messeges the whole day, she always claim to be busy at work , yet when i check on her whatsapp the time i call shes online n after few minits after calls is that a co-insidance? She tells me she want no sex at night couse shes tied n she always sleep, she got no time for me n our baby, we only have sex on her terms n shes always shouting when i try to talk about this problems, she started drinking alcohol , something she was not up for. Is she cheating on me , am i the problem? Or is it normal that when woman start working they turn to be MAN hood?

Reply to Noty | 1 comment (hide)
Posted by: Anonymous | 2017/01/04

Have you considered pist natal depression or that she is resentful for beung separated from your baby as she must work

Posted by: Anonymous | 2016/12/30

for clarity: married for 30 years - my ex cheated several time on ms. i forgave him lots of times. i have 2 kids with him both adults not dependent on me. not living with me. the ex 4 kids not his kids ( the 4th baby on its way) this is not his child she had a previous relationship ( he cant have kids) i paid the 120.000 loan amount i made to pay him back his investment hecmade towards transfer fees and deposit on the house. he lived in another province so we both agreed ove to jhb and find a job. he had some money that he could use in the interim while job hunting. thank u

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Joe Soap | 2016/12/29

You're in love with a lousy, cheating parasite??? ?...and does a leopard change its spots? Honestly!!!!

Reply to Joe Soap
Posted by: Anonymous | 2016/12/29

You don't want bad vibes with your daughter??? Lady you are a fool. This man knows you've been hurt in the past, cheats on you in your own house, still has contact with the woman he cheated on you with, is not remorseful or gives you the indication that he wants to come back and commit to you and you are worried about your adult child being upset that a lying, cheating scum bag that hasn't worked in 10 years will be moving in with her mum so he can sponge off her for the next few years. This man will cheat on you again and is using you. What a royal life he gets to lead whilst you are slaving away. He gets to entertain anyone he pleases and you will just roll over and take him back. This guy saw a seat on the gravy train and grabbed it with both hands

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Maria | 2016/12/29

He cheated on you, you don't think he is keen to come back and he was dependent on you financially with no initiative to find a job of his own. Of course he is angry - he had it all his way and then you laid down the boundaries and kicked him out. I think you must mourn the loss of your relationship and move on. You deserve someone who is your peer and respects you, not this guy who used you shamelessly.

Reply to Maria

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