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Posted by: Rosita | 2017/06/22

Husband in denial

We have been together for 11 years, married almost 6 years now. Recently I asked for divorce as things are not what it used to be and I feel life is too short to stick around and hope for a happily ever after. We have a gorgeous little one (3), and I feel that I do not want the young one to grow up in a ‘loveless’ home. Even thou there is a lot of love and care, no fights. Just not happy anymore and he hardly ever makes me feel worthy or special in any way. Not on birthdays (no gift), Christmas (not even a card) or anniversaries (just a kiss) or just because (not even flowers or chocolates) even though I go out of my way for him. I asked for a divorce and husband told me that he never knew there was problems even though I have told him numerous times that we need to work on things. 4 Years back I also asked for a divorce, few months back too and he laughed it off. Every few months I tell him I am not happy we need to talk and he avoids me. This weekend I told him again I can’t do it anymore. He is one hell of a great father to our little one, but together he and I just aren’t working. He stood up and walked away and when he came back it was as if nothing happened. He sat down and made conversation and said he’s off to bed… and I sat there… Saturday morning when we went for a walk, I asked him again, so what are we going to do? And he just looked at me and said just keep going. He’s a great person, dear friend, but somewhere along the line I lost my husband. And I can’t stick around anymore. I want out. How do I approach him to listen and talk to me and open up about this to me?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink
- 2017/06/23

Hi Rosita,
I understand your concerns. It sounds as though you are two good people, but in a relationship that is not working out well.  It seems you have tried to approach him to talk about your worries, but that he doesn't know how to handle this.  Wouldn't it be wise to strongly encourage him to join you in seeing a marriage counsellor, for a thorough discussion of all the issues and worries you share, and to explore whether these can be worked out between you ?

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Anonymous | 2017/06/23

Please don't be fooled by what the media tells you about relationships..... You have a relationship with a man who does love you... He just doesn't show you the way you want to see it.... Stop listening to other women and what their idea of a perfect relationship is... Is there someone else you are interested in? If there is someone, remember that the grass is not always greener. How would you feel if your husband asked for a divorce. You are taking your relationship for granted.

Reply to Anonymous | 1 comment (hide)
Posted by: Rosita | 2017/06/27

Im not taking anything for granted. I want to improve and build our marriage for the sake of the little one. There is so much more I can tell you about how and why I want / urge / beg for him to listen and make things work. I am clinging onto hope that someday he will realise that we need this before its too late. But thanks for judging and your feedback.

Posted by: Anonymous | 2017/06/23

Hi Rosita, Why you keep on threatening your husband with divorce? The reasons that you mentioned are crazy to me. I am a woman also, but if I go all out for my husband, I do it because I want to, and want to make him happy because I love him. I do it without expecting anything in return. It better you stop going all out for him, because your intentions are not good, you're actually doing it for yourself and that why when he doesn't buy you flowers, you're so dissapointed and you start threateneing him with divorce. Your husband deserve better. Obviously he doesn't take you seriously because you started 4yrs ago with your divorce threats and you are still with him whinning. You are responsible for your own happiness, make yourself happy, spoil yourself....

Reply to Anonymous | 1 comment (hide)
Posted by: Rosita | 2017/06/27

All but threats. I am wanting and hoping for this to work for the sake of my child. You are 'judging a book by a small chapter you walked in on'. Oh there are so many stories I can tell about why I want out, but I'm not here to smear my husband. I am asking how to get his attention to let him know how important it is to make things work but not even the thought of a divorce lights up warning signs for him. There will be a day that I have had enough. But for now, I still hope. Im not one to just give up. I try and try and try and I am getting tired of doing it all when it should be both of us working together to motivate, support, be there for one another. All I want is his time, and even that is not a reasonable request as he has hobbies that take priority over me and the child. It would really be nice to hear " you look nice today " or get a choclate every now and then to feel appreciated. Is that honestly too much to ask? All I want is to feel appreciated and loved. But not getting that from him. But yet we both love our little one so much. He will do anything for her, but no time for me. So you are so quick to point a finger. If I did not love him, I would have been long gone.

Posted by: Rosita | 2017/06/23

Doc i have suggested it and and according to him there is no problems to be sorted? How can we see someone if one does not see the problem?

Reply to Rosita
Posted by: Anonymous | 2017/06/23

You've threatened him with divorce numerous times before, and now he's simply not buying it anymore. You proved you weren't serious previously, why should he take you seriously now? I also don't believe you're serious because a person who truely wants a divorce doesn't keep going off about how wonderful a friend he is and how do you get him to speak to you. You don't want a divorce. You want to address the fact that you feel under appreciated and not valued. So do that then. Address that. Either by talking it out or showing him in action what you mean. Don't threaten with divorce

Reply to Anonymous | 1 comment (hide)
Posted by: Rosita | 2017/06/27

Not threatening. Why does everyone see it as threats? It is a mere call / cry for help to work things out. I am making things clear that I am not happy. That gets ignored. I am telling him what is wrong, he does not see it that there is a problem. How how do I get him to listen to the seriousness of this? This is not something I feel lightly. I will only hope and try till I am completely done and I dont want to do it for the sake of the child. So yet again, not getting affection, attention or appreciation from him I have to stick around and neglect myself for the sake of my child? We dont fight. We barely talk. If and when we talk he will always talk things away. So please.... enlighten me...

Posted by: Maria | 2017/06/23

Can you write him a letter? Explain how you feel and ask him to join you in marriage counselling. Use "I" rather than "you" statements, e.g. "I feel unloved and ignored when you don't buy me a gift on my birthday" versus "You make me feel unloved and ignored...". You can also see if he will read a book called The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman with you. It can, if he is willing, help him to understand what your needs are in order to be loved.

Reply to Maria | 1 comment (hide)
Posted by: Rosita | 2017/06/27

I have tried that, but my brother whom is also an attorney told me to rather not do anything in writing for it can be twisted in court with the custody of little one. So no matter how lovingly, caring or desperate I want to make him see, letter not gonna work. Read the love languages, His needs, Her needs. Women are from venus, men are from mars. I have been there. I just dont know. But your option to do a letter sounds good. Thank you.

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