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Question
Posted by: Camilla | 2013/08/22

Q.

HELP FOR DAD BEHAVING BADLY

My father will be 73 this year in December. My mother discovered his behaviour towards her changed drastically within a very short space of time. My brother and his wife lives with them. My mother noticed him getting friendly with his daughter in law where he would go into a room where she is and touch her inappropriately. Before, my sister in law could not breathe in the same room as him, he hated her so much, he would refuse to eat anything she cooked. He scolded her alot for silly things that would happen around the house. Now we cannot understand how his behaviour and attitude towards her can change so drastically where he feels affection towards her and feels satifaction from touching and groping her when my mother is not around. This was going on for weeks before she came to my mother to tell her what he is doing. She told my mother what was going on and even told her what he did/does. My mother has talked to my father asking him to stop with this behaviour. He seemed very remorseful and promised to not do it again. Saying that he does not know what got into him. He started talking badly about her to my mother how 'dirty' she is etc. But it seems he never stopped, since she caught him in the act recently. He swears at and curses my mother saying she is causing trouble, he refuses to acknowledge that what he is doing is wrong. My brother does not know what is going on. He is at work all day and if he should come to know... My sister in law is not innocent in all of this. She has on occassion lured him to a room or sits with him when my mother is not at home. We are at wits end, getting the police involved would be disastrous. My mother has since moved out of their room and sleeps separate. The relationship with the daughter in law is not good either. What do we do???

Expert's Reply

A.

Expert ImageCyberShrink
- 2013/08/22

There are various possibilities,  but the most likely explanation for this sort of story of an older person suddenly behaving inappropriately, would be dementia and/or a small stroke --- causes of brain damage, especially involving the frontal lobes of the brain, which lead to the person losing their good sense and good behaviour, losing their inhibitions, and behaving in embarrassing ways.
What is needed, fairly urgently, is to devise a way to have him seen and assessed by a good local psychiatrist, and if he too strongly resists that, a neurologist,  for a proper and detailed assessment. 
Treatment and management of the problem will depend on the corect diagnosis, but some behavioural methods supervised by a psychologist and some medications supervised by a psychiatrist can reduce the bad behaviour and make it easier for him to control himself and for him to be guided towards behaving better, by his family.
It sounds from what you say as though there is also a possibility that for some peculiar reason your sister-in-law may be leading him on and encouraging this ; maybe she enjoys the extra attention or has a malicious interest in stirring up trouble within the family, but your mother and yourself should perhaps discuss this with your brother,  so he can talk to her and make sure she stops encouraging this,  and starts discouraging it.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

29
user comments
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Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Tina | 2013/08/24

A married couple still staying with the parents!!! That is asking for trouble with a capital T. The simplest solution to this is for your brother and his wife to find their own place; and you should follow as soon as possible. Leave the old man and his wife in their house. You all see each other once a week or once month. That's how "happy" families are made.

Reply to Tina
Posted by: Anonymous | 2013/08/24

I am a 72 year old man 6 feet tall with a reasonably good build and I like to think I look at least 10 years younger and look very good for my age. I am married to a much younger woman and we are both very happy. I still have normal sexual urges like I did when I was much younger. To say a 70 plus man must have dementia is ridiculous. He is just a horny man who sees his daughter-in-law as an opportunity to explore, and especially if she is encouraging it. While I don't condone his or her actions please don't see him as someone who is over the hill and ready for an old age home.

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Teria | 2013/08/23

I also believe this is a typical symptom of dementia/alzheimers from the 73-year old's side. The daughter-in-law is more than likely getting financial gain out of this and she needs to be addressed seriously in this matter. The old dad needs medical attention and his wife needs to be made aware of the possible mental state of her husband. Get the son and his wife out of there and get the wife back with her husband!

Reply to Teria | 1 comment (hide)
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Posted by: CAMILLA | 2013/08/23

hi again We are having a meeting tomorrow with my mum and dad to discuss his behaviour and to threaten him with severe consequences i.e exposing what he is doing to the rest of the family and my brother. We also considering putting him into a care facility, but then he'll end up being someone else's problem, as he is very alert and would be able to leave the facility as he still drives a car. As his daughter I am very embarrassed as to what I am about to do tomorrow. The fact that he will see that I know what he is doing and how he is hurting my mother. If we see a psychiatrist and explain the situation to him/her would they be obligated to report this matter because of the nature of what has taken place ie. sexual offense like touching/groping. No other form of abuse on her eg. rape, violence.

Reply to CAMILLA
Posted by: Anon | 2013/08/23

Exactly why men should not bring their wives into the homes of their parents. for goodness sake you got married, get a place of your own!! as for the old man eish lol!!

Reply to Anon
Posted by: Anonymous | 2013/08/23

My money unfortunately is on Alzheimer and/or Dementia.

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: anonymous | 2013/08/23

call a family meetin an try to solve the matter befor someone get pregnate jst imagine my grandson is biological son.

Reply to anonymous
Posted by: Anonymous | 2013/08/23

maybe the old man is on viagra he wants to shake the booty.

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: ANONYMOUS | 2013/08/23

I have been in a very similar situation, expect it was my step-father. I went through a divorce and moved back home as I had a 9 month old daughter at the time when it all started. And he also treated my mother badly, and would not eat her food and fought with her over the smallest little thing. I could not take it anymore and told my mother what was going on. When it got worse and we both became his victim. Long story short.... my mother eventually commited suicided. Very sad I think when you in that situation offer help for that person and if they not willing move, leave. 10 years down the line I still battle with the whole thing.

Reply to ANONYMOUS
Posted by: Anonymous | 2013/08/23

Why is the brother and his wife still living with parents? The wife needs to get out there and get a J.O.B. so that she doesn't spend time tempting the father-in-law. The family should kick them out of the house. They could come up with any reason they want if they don't want the brother to find out.

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Anonymous | 2013/08/23

@ANONYMOUS 2013/08/22 YOU SICK PERVERT!!! ALMAL SE LEWE BESTAAN NIE UIT 'N LEKKER POMP NIE!!! I THINK THE DAUGHTER IN LAW NEEDS SOME HELP. HOW CAN YOU CHEAT ON YOUR HUSBAND WITH A 73 YEAR OLD MAN!!!

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Anonymous | 2013/08/23

It's sad ,but we need to look in both sides...

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: The Bitch | 2013/08/23

Everybody's got a right to there own opinion!!!!!! There is an old saying that goes as follow: a rope has two ends. So both of them are wrong in what they are doing the Old Daddy & Sister-in-law. Both of them are grown-ups and both are married. They are supposed to know and think how badly they really are hurting the mother-in-law and the son. But i quess some people just dont care about anothers feelings ....... and how it really could break them. But i agree with the rest the sister-in-law and her husband should find a place of there own and i personally think that the husband should be informed about his so called wifes behaviour and what she is doing .... :-)

Reply to The Bitch
Posted by: Anonymous | 2013/08/23

Why is the sister-in-law not working? Why is she sitting at home? If they can't afford their own place then she should get a job?? PROBLEM SOLVED - it really is that easy.... "ledigheid is die duiwel se oorkussing"......

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Anonymous | 2013/08/23

What an a$#@hole

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Anonymous | 2013/08/23

The married couple should move to their own place.....its as simple as that

Reply to Anonymous | 1 comment (hide)
Posted by: Anonymous | 2013/08/23

I definitely agree the old couple should move to their own place, the son should find a place for them and remove them from his home, otherwise their can be disastrous consequences.

Posted by: Bernard Black | 2013/08/23

Katoolse ou man!!!! Prob from Bloem

Reply to Bernard Black
Posted by: Anonymous | 2013/08/23

He is so frustrated because he is not getting it anymore from his wife and see her as easy target as they are living together.

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Anonymous | 2013/08/23

Either way, it's wrong. The daughter-in-law should have told the husband first, not the old lady. She should also not encourage him either.

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Anonymous | 2013/08/23

I don't know what caused or started it ,,,but once it starts he wont quit!!! You need to get him out of the house and away from family. If something has caused it and they treat and fix it then maybe he can come home. The sister in law needs therapy too.

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Mruniatz | 2013/08/22

The person who should see a psychiatrist is the sister-in-law. Any woman instinctively knows how to terminate any unwanted signs of affection. For her to fool around with a 73 year old is unnatural, on top of which he is also the father of her husband. The brother should have been involved on day one.

Reply to Mruniatz
Posted by: Anonymous | 2013/08/22

If it is a complete turnaround from previous behaviour, I would go with a medical explanation.

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Anonymous | 2013/08/22

Dude, it's not dementia or a stroke! Heaven's above! He's just bored and randy. What's all this nonsense about seeing a psychiatrist or neurologist? That's incredibly loose advice.

Reply to Anonymous | 3 comments (hide)
Posted by: Anonymous | 2013/08/23

You clearly don't know what you are talking about. I have seen the same kind of behaviour from my Dad and he has been diagnosed with Alzheimers. Let's hope you or one of your family members never have to go through the pain and stress of seeing someone you love turn into a total stranger! Idiot!

Posted by: TW | 2013/08/23

I have to disagree with you. My Gran had dementia and her behavior is completely different to her "old" personality. I also work in the home where she stays and this is true in all of these patients. Visit Alzheimer SA website if you would like to educate yourself a bit more.

Posted by: Anonymous | 2013/08/22

I agree; the old coot probably just needs a "lekker pomp" - his wife has not been giving out so he'll look elsewhere.

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