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Question
Posted by: Broken | 2013-08-06

Q.

Emotionally shattered

Hi CS I posted a while ago about my battle to conceive. In the past week I have heard of two very close friends/family members falling pregnant. I am so torn - I am happy for them because I know its what they want, but in the same regard I am heartbroken for myself because my prayers continue to go unanswered after five years. I don't dare let them see/know how I feel because I don't want to take away their joy or cause a rift. its just so hard - they know my struggle and the one even said that I am obviously not happy about it ... I tried hard to sound happy and enthusiastic but its hard to be gushing when inside your heart is breaking because every positive pregnancy results you get is someone elses... I just try to do the best I can. I cannot take it anymore - its not their issue - but I am heartbroken, I have nothing left and just cant go on. How do I continue to face disappointments? How can I be supportive of friends/family and put my own feelings aside and not let them see it? I am a Christian and have been praying for my little miracle for ages but it just doesn't happen and now my faith is very low.... I don't think I have any more inner strength to keep going through this. When will it be my turn? PS. Going to fert specialist in 2 months time so we're gonna keep trying really hard naturally in the meantime and do all the pre-fertility blood tests. I am 37 and time is running out fast!

Expert's Reply

A.

Expert ImageCyberShrink
- 2013-08-06

This does seem to be one of the major hurdles for any couple, and especially wfor women, with fertility problems --- the naturally conflicted and mixed feelings when others achieve pregnancy so easily, while you are still battling. You don't need to feel happy in yourself, for yourself, but happy for them ; appreciating their happiness,  without insisting on feeling sadder yourself.  Every moment we live, a great many women around the world are falling pregnant,  sometimes in dreadful and sad circumstances, and also a great many women are NOT falling pregnant. Some of those who do become pregnant will be terrific mothers, and some will be monstrously dreadful mothers. And it is simply a fact of life that some women for whatever reason, sometimes never identified,  do not manage to get pregnant.  And apart from one's natural wishes to have one's own children, what one apparently cannot have becomes autometically more desirable and desired.
Also do see a counsellor / psychologist to help you deal with these situations. Don't see this as an admission of defeat or as giving up, but as improving your ability to deal with these situations better, whichnin turn usually improves one's fertility ( every fertility expert and many doctors have had the experience of a couple who seemed unable to conceive,  who did so once they had given up and resigned themselves to the idea that it might not happen. Reducing the degree of stress and anxiety is genuinely helpful in many ways

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

21
user comments

C.

Posted by: Anon | 2013-08-08

I have been there, but always consoled myself with the following thought: there is not a finite number of babies who can be born. Someone else falling pregnant and having a baby does not in any way affect my chance of having a baby. Yes, I was jealous when it happened to friends/family but by telling the person I was feeling jealous we could discuss it openly and it made both of us feel better. The biggest gifts I have been given are the eggs donated by other wonderful, generous unknown women. Better than adoption for me, it takes away the age pressure and related risks of genetic abnormalities. I am now 47 and pregnant with my second son.

Reply to Anon
Posted by: Anonymous | 2013-08-08

I am sorry to hear of your difficulty. As a man i have exactly the opposite problem, i am super virile which makes life extremely difficult at times. Can i ask you whether anyone else in your family has suffered similar problems to you?

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Anon | 2013-08-08

I have read all the posts above and and am not exactly proud to say that I have 'been there, done that and got the t-shirt'. In short, we have been trying for a baby for 8 yrs. After yrs of fertility treatment, we found out we were pregnant today a year ago, but unfortunately our angel was stillborn at 39 wks. Hows that to test your faith! But here i still am trying to figure out when we'll have another baby. and i have faith that we will - whether i carry it, or we adopt. Wrt's Mark's comments on the friends: I have lost count over how many friends went on and had kids while we were trying (or 2 or 3 kids), including family members and close friends and my advise to you is not to put your own feelings aside. You can still be happy for them- they probably already know, but let them know how you feel so that they too can be sensitive to you. Of course they are excited about their pregnancy, but by knowing how you feel they can keep the 'birth plans' and Avent vs Tommy tippee discussions for when you are not around. Its not worth loosing friends over infertility as 10 yrs down the line, you may all have kids one way or another so why waste a precious friendship now. i have a friend who was on the infertility road with me before I fell pregnant. The minute she found out she pulled away completely. Sad thing is that when my daughter was stillborn, suddenly my friend is back 'cause i 'don't' have kids. So technically I've been on both sides of the infertility/ having a child fence and it hurts when friends pull away because you find out you're pregnant! Being pregnant is a God given gift, not a right. I am glad to hear that are going to see a specialist. Make sure you find one that you feel comfortable with and even if your faith is being tested, hang in there. Its all in God's hands, not ours. Most importantly, DON'T FORGET TO ENJOY THE RIDE! Time flies when you're living from month to month so don't forget to have fun in-between. Good luck

Reply to Anon
Posted by: MNA | 2013-08-07

I cannot even begin to imagine how you feel. I am so sorry for what you are going through. God knows best, though it doesn't seem like it now. Just the other day I saw an article regarding a woman , without a womb, fell pregnant and gave birth. Now that, only God can do. After having done everything(doctors,praying etc), stand, for the testing of our faith brings us to maturity and patience in our walk with God. No doubt, God loves you and if you were the only one on earth he(Jesus) still would have come. In his eyes you are the only one on earth and your pain is his as well. I believe, our walk and experience is not only for us, but to also encourage others in the same place as us to know they are not alone and sometimes to bring us back to our knees. Who said to you that the clock is ticking……...Only God knows that a 100%. He formed you………. He will give you and your husband strength to bring those children up at the age you will be when they eventually come. There is one of my colleagues, whose first husband divorced her because she couldn’t conceive. Guess what, in God’s time, on her second marriage, God blessed her with 2 beautiful bubbly girls. She was in her forties when she got her first child. From experience, I kept listening to people telling me that I am getting old for marriage. When I got married I understood why this looked delayed and was actually not. God knew when to show up at a particular time ,specifically for me. All my doubts disappeared. Keep standing……………………………..

Reply to MNA
Posted by: Anonymous | 2013-08-07

I am so sorry to hear of your pain. Be strong in the knowledge that God put the desire in your heart for a baby, and when His time is right (His time, not yours!) He will give you what you desire. I often hear of people who eventually do fall pregnant after they just stop worrying and stressing about it. How can your body expect to conceive a baby when you're under so much pressure? The mind is a very, very powerful thing, and if you keep believing you will never fall pregnant, you won't. But if you put your trust in the Lord, believe in His goodness, have faith that He will answer your prayers and RELAX, you'll get what you've been dreaming of! And who knows, maybe the reason He's holding out on you is because now is not the right time, or your baby would be ill, or develop poorly? God has his reasons. You just need to give it all to Him. I will also say a special prayer for you, that you may get what you desire. Be strong!

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Anonymous | 2013-08-07

I understand how you feel so well - my sister married in December and pregnant in Feb of this year - we have been trying for 3 and half years with no results - now going to fertility specialists and being poked and prodded. I actually ended up in hospital with depression over HER pregnancy and my failure, but I made it clear to her I am SO happy for her and very very sad for myself. She is now 6 months on and baby is kicking and I can feel her tum and be joyous but also jealous at the same time. Believe me, it is a roller coaster ride. Continue to have faith... miracles do happen.

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Mark | 2013-08-07

Hey Broken, I know exactly how you feel. We tried for 3 years after our first child to have a 2nd. No matter what, when you trying and its not happening, its extremly stressful, and unhappy times for both of you. So traumatic it is, that we actually lost 2 sets of friends of this. Big best girl friends...beware...when you both trying, ....for a while....you share the defeats....but when your friend finally falls pregnant, and you dont...or lo and behold, you...like my wife, miscariages on the same day...its earth shattering, and soul destroying. its nearly impossible to show your happiness, and you almost cannot face the now perpetrator of your now destroyed happiness. The same thing happened then with my wife finally falling pregnant and her other friend, stuggling for over 4 years is still childless. We understood her torture and decided to rather step away and take our leave when she shyd away. I feel for you, i really do, my wife tried all sorts of things, eventually we were doing the deed by the clock...not going out, not drinking, not socialising, hormone therapy, homeopathy therapy, and finally when d-day came for me to take a little trip to the doc...was the day i found out we were rightly pregnant. I was more releived i didnt have to goto that special clinic than the actual news of the pregnancy to be quite honest. But my advice and cycber shrink is right. 1. Stressing over this just makes it more unlikely to fall pregnant. 2. Dont lose best buddies over getting preggies - i would keep it to myself - im a man...but ive seen the hurt it can cause. Its no ones fault, but oi...it hurts deeply. 3. You not being punished 4. It may be your man...send him for a check too. 5. Try try try again...and then try again. Oddly enough we fell pregnant after the homeopathy rought....and the pressure was now on me to hit the clinic...i suspect the pressure and stress was off the wife for the 2 months i was making plans to hit the clinic. 6. Dont stop having fun...most ppl were concieved i recon after consuming too much alcohol at a party....what im saying is...dont lose hope...and while you trying....still go out and have a good time, go get rid of all that stress, youll have a higher chance of getting prenant. Good luck sweetie...youll be ok and itll happen. xxx

Reply to Mark
Posted by: Mark | 2013-08-07

Hey Broken, I know exactly how you feel. We tried for 3 years after our first child to have a 2nd. No matter what, when you trying and its not happening, its extremly stressful, and unhappy times for both of you. So traumatic it is, that we actually lost 2 sets of friends of this. Big best girl friends...beware...when you both trying, ....for a while....you share the defeats....but when your friend finally falls pregnant, and you dont...or lo and behold, you...like my wife, miscariages on the same day...its earth shattering, and soul destroying. its nearly impossible to show your happiness, and you almost cannot face the now perpetrator of your now destroyed happiness. The same thing happened then with my wife finally falling pregnant and her other friend, stuggling for over 4 years is still childless. We understood her torture and decided to rather step away and take our leave when she shyd away. I feel for you, i really do, my wife tried all sorts of things, eventually we were doing the deed by the clock...not going out, not drinking, not socialising, hormone therapy, homeopathy therapy, and finally when d-day came for me to take a little trip to the doc...was the day i found out we were rightly pregnant. I was more releived i didnt have to goto that special clinic than the actual news of the pregnancy to be quite honest. But my advice and cycber shrink is right. 1. Stressing over this just makes it more unlikely to fall pregnant. 2. Dont lose best buddies over getting preggies - i would keep it to myself - im a man...but ive seen the hurt it can cause. Its no ones fault, but oi...it hurts deeply. 3. You not being punished 4. It may be your man...send him for a check too. 5. Try try try again...and then try again. Oddly enough we fell pregnant after the homeopathy rought....and the pressure was now on me to hit the clinic...i suspect the pressure and stress was off the wife for the 2 months i was making plans to hit the clinic. 6. Dont stop having fun...most ppl were concieved i recon after consuming too much alcohol at a party....what im saying is...dont lose hope...and while you trying....still go out and have a good time, go get rid of all that stress, youll have a higher chance of getting prenant. Good luck sweetie...youll be ok and itll happen. xxx

Reply to Mark
Posted by: Chilli | 2013-08-07

Oh, my dear I am so sorry for all the tears and trauma you have gone through. I was a baby that came after my parents had been told to give up any hope. I was lucky, but had been expecting to have many fertility issues, as everyone in my family had great struggles, miscarriages, birth defects etc. etc. We may not know why our prayers are not answered immediately, but I do see now, that there was a greater plan as to why my children came exactly when they did. I hope your time comes and that you can find some peace while you wait.

Reply to Chilli
Posted by: Shell | 2013-08-07

Hi Anonymous I will say a extra prayer for you. Unfortunatly i'm on the otherside of the coin. I have a cousin and two great friends that are battling to get pregnant. I'm 31 weeks now with my second one after 12 years. And i promise i was not very happy when i had to tell them. I felt and feel horrible when i had to tell them. They are very supportive and excited, but i can see what you are talking about. They can't always hide there dissapointment. So i'm not really giving you advise. I just wanted to tell you that if they are really you true friends they will understand. They will support you. And they will listen to what you are saying. And i believe the doctor is right. Go and talk to someone nutral and get some distance from people that will tell you to pray and it will happen and God will provide. God has his plans, and He does things for a reason even if we don't alway see the reason at that moment. My heart goes out to you and all the ladies like you out there. I pray that God will hear your prayers soon. and That you will be blessed with your own little one very soon.

Reply to Shell | 1 comment (hide)
Posted by: Broken | 2013-08-07

Thanks Shell. Its hard to put across my feelings of hurt and disappointment and not let those I care about who are lucky enough to fall pregnant - see how hurt I am. I don't want to ruin their joy.

Posted by: Anonymous | 2013-08-07

Once you have seen the FS, you will have a better understanding of why thinks are not happening. Hubby and I were so desperate after trying for over 7 yrs, we took out a loan for the IVF. And I fell pregnant. Don't give up just as yet. And despite all we had to pay back, it was worth it.

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Anonymous | 2013-08-07

Don't give up hope, it took me 12 years to fall pregnant and I am 44 years old, I am 5 months pregnant at the moment and all is going well with the pregnancy, and it happened naturally, don't think to hard about it and try not to stress, it will happen when the time is right. All the best.

Reply to Anonymous | 1 comment (hide)
Posted by: Broken | 2013-08-07

Thanks Anon. I am so glad you finally have had success. I wish you a happy and healthy pregnancy and baby

Posted by: Cyclist | 2013-08-06

As a matter of interest,has your husband's sperm been tested.It could be that his little swimmer's are not strong enough to do their job. Are either of you under undue stress,work related etc,or drink a lot of alchol,use drugs.All of these can add to your problems. Good luck,my brother has 2 adopted babies and they are their "everything"

Reply to Cyclist | 1 comment (hide)
Posted by: Anonymous | 2013-08-06

Yes he has - although a couple of years ago so we're going to test again. He hardly drinks alcohol - in fact neither of us do

Posted by: Anonymous | 2013-08-06

@Tick - surrogacy is expensive : like IVF or one of those treatments. Adoption I just cant do right now... I have personal reasons why.

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: SK | 2013-08-06

Broken, I am sorry! I know how it feels to long for something and not get it. You hope, keep the faith and nothing. The crazy thing is everyone around you will be blessed with the very thing you want. Then they will talk about it as if its no big deal and for you it is a miracle, it is your biggest hope. There is no answer other than the obvious physical checks for you and your husband to determine if there is nothing physically wrong that is prolonging conceiving. If everything is fine, then I suggest you keep that faith, join other forums that are also avaible on this site to get tips and share with other people that are going through the same problem. For your faith, I strongly suggest a dvd by TD Jakes "Faith Food". It helped me in giving me that boost again to refuel my faith. Also Joel Osteen speaks a lot about her sister's long battle with conceiving and how she finally had twins. In that I am saying that as Christians were are not exempt from problems and challenges. We serve a God that gives you the test first and solutions later. Never give up my dear, it will happen for you. God takes pleasure in prospering His kids, it will make sense to you one day why it took so long. Pray and pray some more especially when you feel you can't anymore. Keep the faith. "By their faith it was given unto them" Good luck,

Reply to SK | 1 comment (hide)
Posted by: Anonymous | 2013-08-06

Thank you for your encouragement SK...

Posted by: Tick | 2013-08-06

Not every women is meant to conceive. Find out why you cant conceive, is there anything that can be done to help you conceive? If not you have to accept it and move on. Maybe God didn't plan for you to get pregnant...u can use surrogacy or adopt

Reply to Tick | 1 comment (hide)
Posted by: Anonymous | 2013-08-06

Hi Tick - going to a fert specialist in Oct, doing all the blood/hormone tests first and then to see.... previously we had tests done and all were normal. I'm just not prepared to give on my dream to conceive my own child

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