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Question
Posted by: Layla | 2014-04-22

Q.

Drinking Husband

Hi All, Im so down, need some advise. My husband whom I have been with from young has clearly go a drinking problem. He has done spent money,lost stuff, wrecked the car etc. He seemed to have calmed down with the losing and wrecking stuff, but now he goes all night and returns in the morning. Not every weekend, but it was 2 in the last month. I do have a drink but I don't get out of hand or neglect my duties as a wife or a mother. Im so down and depressed as he makes promises that he wont do this again but always done. This immature behaviour is causing a big strain on the marriage and Im left angry and unable to trust him, yet he cant seem to understand why! We have 2 sons whom I do everything for and its also hard as I am a working mother. I have thought about leaving, but don't know where to start. What should I do, how do I get him to see that if he could just change for good we could be happy! I feel cheated of a life we could have a life he promised me. I have tried to get him to leave, however he refuses. Any advise please...

Expert's Reply

A.

Expert ImageCyberShrink
- 2014-04-23

So he is al alcoholc, though he will probably deny this. An alcoholic's promises are worthless, only his deeds need to be taken seriously. Of course you find it hard to trust someon who continues to cause such damage and not to take responsibility for his actions and their consequences. See a personal counsellor to consider your own best options which may indeed include moving out, to protect yourself and the children. He may need that sort of crisis to finally face up to his condion, and to agree to see and continue working with a suitable specalist to gain control over tuis, and perhaps to join AA as well.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

30
user comments

C.

Posted by: Anonymous | 2014-05-08

I spent just over two years with an alcoholic. It was hell on earth. I almost had a nervous breakdown. Believe the situation becomes worse and you end up as sick as them. Im ok now, i have my life back. Happiness friendships good health and joy have replaced the isolated gloomy world living with an alcoholic. To anyone I say do not lose your compassion for them but get out DO NOT ever get involved with someone who has addiction problems. I have nothing positive to say about alcoholics, the disease has made them into something less than human. Find support, womens groups, shelters, family, Alanon, whatever, just get away, cut all contact. They destroy themselves and bring you down with them.

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Layla | 2014-05-05

Thank-you for all the comments guys. Another weekend past with complete hell. I have no were to go and he refuses to move! Would the police remove him I request it? I tried all weekend and he wont budge. My mom does not live around here and my dad is deceased. All my family is in JHB. Reply to age question I am 28 he is 29 and our sons are 7 and 3. I am so depressed, how can this disease rob us of a life like this. I thought about it this weekend and actually took a good look at him, its like he becomes a monster when drinking. I appreciate every ones advise.

Reply to Layla | 1 comment (hide)
Posted by: christina | 2014-05-08

I spent 2 and a half years in a relationship with an alcoholic. It was hell on earth and it just gets worse. Im sorry but you must leave. Try womens support groups. Alanon also. Do NOT stay, you must find a way. You will be robbed of a normal life and so will your children. I almost had a nervous breakdown. My life, my health and happiness, friends and joy came back when I broke away from the dark world of the alcoholic.

Posted by: Piet Pompies | 2014-05-02

Get addicted to sex; much more fun and less fattening!

Reply to Piet Pompies | 1 comment (hide)
Posted by: Anonymous | 2014-05-16

What a kak reply

Posted by: Anna | 2014-05-02

This can become a lifelong journey , any substance abuse is a permanent lifetime long term addiction.This is the reality and the only ever solution is to stop drinking completely and if this does not happen you have but one option and that is to pack your things and your children and move where someone can help or assist.If an alcholic does not also experience the schock and reality of loosing everything , this will never stop , if they do not admit that they have a problem and need help.There are a lot of rehab facilities that can assist and there are also programs available for outside patients and there is the AA , but all of this means nothing if the person is not willing to seek help and change , you can help and be there but you can not make this desicion for them.There will always be the craving for alchohol - ALWAYS - but once out of denial you are on your way to have your life back again.Please do not wait to long especialy because of your children as they need a chance to be happy and not worried all the time.I say again you can give support and help but do not let them ruin your life or wait for them because it could be 40 years and you will still be in the same situation.

Reply to Anna
Posted by: Anonymous | 2014-05-02

It took my wife having a complete breakdown before I faced my problem. I was cured overnight - from drinking more than half a bottle of vodka every night, I have not touched it for over a year. Told the whole family and friends of my problem, so they could be part of the help too. I live now without the horrible burden alcohol becomes. The first step to recovery is acceptance. AA I guess could work for some, but I was shocked into reality. Sadly many SA men have drinking problems, and fail to acknowledge it

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Anonymous | 2014-05-01

I can't be an alcoholic I have never been to one AA meeting !

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Dave | 2014-05-01

I urge you to contact Alcoholics Anonymous (www.aasouthafrica.org.za) who hold meetings not only for the alcoholic but for family and friends of the alcoholic. AA meetings are for the alcoholic, Alanon meetings are for the partner of the drinker (you will learn how to best handle the situation) and Alateen is for the (generally teenage) children of practising alcoholic. You will receive help and support (non-financial) help at Alanon and will be amazed at the positive vibe and laughter at meetings. Good luck Dave (a happy and sober alcoholic)

Reply to Dave
Posted by: Anonymous | 2014-05-01

Read the book by Allan Carr "Easy way to stop drinking". Alcoholism is not an illness and it can be stopped. However it is a cognitive process. Consider the odds and you will realise that alcohol is ruining your life. Take that last drink and stop. Don't feel sorry for yourself, rejoice every day in the knowing that you are better of. The only person that can stop you from drinking is yourself. Just stop it; it can be done.

Reply to Anonymous | 1 comment (hide)
Posted by: Duncan | 2014-05-01

Why should the wife read the book? She's not the alcoholic, the husband is. Tonsil

Posted by: Anonymous | 2014-05-01

AA is based on a faith in God. If you don't believe in God, you will have found no value in the 12-point AA programme.

Reply to Anonymous | 3 comments (hide)
Posted by: SK | 2014-05-02

AA is based on the belief in a Higher Power - A Godd of your understaniding. There's a big difference

Posted by: mouse | 2014-05-01

it is based on a Higher Power. Who ever you deem that to be

Posted by: JP | 2014-05-01

Hi. I think you are mistaken in your statement about AA. From their website: "AA is not allied with any sect, denomination, politics, organisation or institution; does not wish to engage in any controversy; neither endorses nor opposes any causes. Our primary purpose is to stay sober and help other alcoholics to achieve sobriety." Might be worth checking the facts before making statements of this nature?

Posted by: Mary | 2014-04-30

Read the book "Behind the curtain. A Journey to Sobriety" by Jean. Available from Amazon.com. This book is a well written, poignant memoir of a woman's unhappy childhood and a brave and gripping account of her triumph over alcoholism. The book frankly addresses the sensitive issue of alcoholism and domestic violence.

Reply to Mary
Posted by: Anonymous | 2014-04-30

Read the book "Behind the Curtain. A Journey to Sobriety". By Jean Available from Amazon.com - "A well written, poignant memoir of a woman's unhappy childhood and a brave and gripping account of her triumph over alcoholism. The book addresses the sensitive issues of alcoholism and domestic violence. Thoroughly recommended."

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Joe | 2014-04-30

Further to my previous comment - you need to go to Al Anon, the support group of the still suffering and recovering alcoholic. And to the person who said leave him alone - how callous are you? There is suffering in this household and you really do not understand how destructive alcohol is.....live with it and you will change your tune, believe me. Granted, none of us should judge, even I cannot say someone is an alcoholic, that is for each of us to decide on our own - but here is a cry for help and I am giving options on how to deal with it - to both sides. For what it is worth folks. Good luck!

Reply to Joe | 1 comment (hide)
Posted by: SK | 2014-05-02

Dead right Joe. Get the help YOU need and the rest will fall into place. I have travelled that path myself

Posted by: Joe | 2014-04-30

All of these folks commenting - AA is the only solution; however, coercing a partner into help will not work. With due respect to professionals in the psycology and allied fields, unless you are alcoholic yourself you will never know what being alcoholic means - only one alkie talking to another will there be true understanding. There is no medical cure folks, we alcoholics have a mental obsession with and a physical allergy to alcohol. For the sceptical, I have been sober for 10 years - no rehab, no psychologist / psychiatrist, doctor....just AA - IT WORKS!!. Phone the national help line or access the AA website for more information, also where the closest meeting to you is and try get him to go. Self discovery of what AA is all about and what it can do for people like me is the best solution. I agree, our promises to stop, change, slow down etc come to nought, action is the answer and the AA Fellowship can (and will) aid the practising alcoholic to become a recovering alcoholic - of course a person must seek help in order to be helped.

Reply to Joe
Posted by: partner | 2014-04-30

Leave this guy alone.He is enjoying live.Maybe it is his wife that drove him to the situation. A story always have two sides. I can gues that this person is between 45 and 50 years of age. The situation he has to get used to in this country could also have an effect.

Reply to partner | 1 comment (hide)
Posted by: SK | 2014-05-02

Spoken by someone who has never been affected by an alcoholic

Posted by: JJ | 2014-04-30

You need to also stop consuming alcohol yourself "completely" does'nt matter how little the usage. He is your partner, husband and also need support and who best than his wife. You don't mention the age of your sons and sometimes a good talk and relationship building or starting from scratch do help. We sometimes forget that while the children is growing up, husband and wife tend not to talk that much to each other and therefore the rift in some cases - the children is mostly the centre point in our day to day operations. It is not intended but do happen and therfore you need to talk to each other and work together on it. It is tough but if the spark is still there, one will do his/her utmost. The question to you is as follow: is it about him drinking or him losing stuff, spending money, wrecking the cars or coming late. Should you be on the road is there a possibility that you could have done the same?

Reply to JJ
Posted by: Anonymous | 2014-04-30

PRAY, PRAY, PRAY. Lean not on your own understanding, TRUST in God. Ask Jehova for advice. He is waiting on you.

Reply to Anonymous | 1 comment (hide)
Posted by: Anonymous | 2014-04-30

you must be kidding me??

Posted by: Svetlanah | 2014-04-30

Run baby girl, run! You know, alcoholics rarely give up their habits and when they do, it becomes a lifetime battle that you let yourself and your children in on. Love is so over-rated and it can be beautiful, but its bite is worse than the most poisonous of snakes in the wild! I have a father like that, and why my mother stuck with him for over 30 years is beyond me, even beyond beyond! They humiliate and break even the optimistic of spirits. Been there, done that and suffered all the ugliness involved with alcoholism. If you are worried about you spouses income that sustain you, don't worry, there are maintenance courts, and the list goes on of avenues you can visit. Get out while you can, with your children's dignity and sanity intact! You will not be the first woman to make a clean break from an alcoholic freak and certainly not the last. They say alcoholism is an illness, screw that! I believe it is a sorry excuse for an illness, and you choose that illness, unlike cancer or HIV/AIDS which you can not choose. Wake up woman, like I did and take your "cubs" with you and create a safe and stable and secure environment for you and your offspring. It is their right, it is their HUMAN RIGHT!

Reply to Svetlanah | 2 comments (hide)
Posted by: Yvette | 2014-05-01

Well said!!!

Posted by: Karen | 2014-05-01

You are so right!!

Posted by: Anonymous | 2014-04-30

been there, even aver baby was born. been through the damage of cars, not coming home, embarrassment, the list goes on. What i did,....i have decided this is it, and packed my stuff and baby and moved to my mom. 3 hours later he came to fetch me, with all promises. next weekend back to square 1. I made a decision to give my baby a better life. I have made an appointment with a lawyer and informed him to meet me at x time - to proceed with divorce proceedings. I have also made an appointment with a estate agent for a valuation to put the house in the market and asked him to ensure that he is available, And that was the wake up call he needed. lo an behold, he has gone to see a psychiatrist. its been 5 months and so far so good. he stopped drinking completely Every situation is different, but one things for sure, if he has got no reason to admit he has a problem and to admit he has allot to loose, then he will not stop.

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Jenna | 2014-04-22

Have you asked him to attend AA? Unfortunately he won't change unless he sees that he has a problem (which it doesn't look like he does) and without support. It is not very good for your boys to grow up with a father like that, he is very lucky he hasn't died in accidents. To drink and drive... very irresponsible. He is a father, he doesn't need to be drinking until all hours of the night ever. He is making the promises to keep you happy but he has no intention of keeping them, because he knows that he just needs to promise you again and things will be OK until the next time he does it. Do you have a friend or family member that you can trust to help you? Your husband needs a serious wake up call (as if the car crash wasn't enough) and maybe a trial separation will help. In the very least you wouldn't have to wait up and worry about him.

Reply to Jenna

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