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Question
Posted by: | 2017/01/12

Help! I caught my fiance watching porn and masturbating

Hi, I have been with this guy for almost 2 years. We are engaged and living together for almost 3 months. I am 24 and he is 28. I caught him watching porn on his phone and masturbate. It makes me feel like I am not good enough for him, not just because of the porn, but the once he told me he doesn't feel big enough for me. 

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageSexologist
- 2017/02/07

I have seen many couples in my office in crisis after the woman partner walked in on her male partner as he was masturbating with the use of pornography. Many men use pornography as a maturbation aid and they do not see it as a form of cheating or unfaitfulness. 


Men and women attach very different meanings to many things. The same is true of how couples view pornography. Men like it because it appeals to their visual fantasies without responsibility. But women often feel threatened by it because they think that porn makes them look and feel inferior. 

When men watch porn (not compulsive porn watching - now that is something different and the man and couple will need professional help with that), they use it for fantasy while masturbating and they don't think any less of their lovers' bodies. There is the saying: "It does not matter where you get your appetite - as long as you come home for dinner."

Most men don't use masturbation to withdraw from their relationships, but rather to relax, to take a little time out, much the way some women enjoy hot baths. Spouses cannot meet each others' needs to masturbate, which involves solitude. 

I suggest you have a good chat with your fiance and share your insecurities with him. Should he agree to most of what I have written here in my answer to your question, then you should try to be more aware of the fact that the vast majority of men were happily masturbating long before they met their partners. 

(PS regarding your final comment-- Most men feel insecure about the size of their penis. You can help him feel more secure by complimenting him about his skills as a lover and also by often telling him by word and deed how much you adore his penis).



The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: ED | 2017/01/16

Your story is very sad and I think you deserve better. I suggest you do not marry this person as it will not improve once you are married. He is selfish and you are a total mismatch. Life is too short to be unhappy and cheating is not the answer as you will only feel guilty. I would like a girl like you as would many other men. Accept this relationship is not for you and move on now before you get married. Best of luck

Reply to ED
Posted by: Anonymous | 2017/01/14

Please discard my first reply to you about him being a nice guy. He is 100% emotionally abusing you. Get out now, please. End it while you free to do so. This is the behaviour of a narcissist. He gets off on your reaction and makes him feel like a man. His in total control here trust me. Please take back you power and leave his pathetic ass. You will find a real man who will show you how a women should be treated. I know easier said then done but it can many women has done it before you.

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Anonymous | 2017/01/13

He may be watching too much porn, which is why he isnt often in the mood. He needs to be open and honest about what is going on with him. Its a difficult one to solve and I would highly suggest seeing a couples therapist because things will most likely get worse after you get married. This is so similar to the situation I was in but with therapy we slowly overcoming our issues. Both parties would have to be totally honest for it to work though. Just know you aren't the problem, there are relationship issues at play which need to be resolved. Good luck.

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Anonymous | 2017/01/13

He sounds like a really good man. I think the reason he watch porn and masturbates is because he feels inadequate. He even opened up to you about very personal thoughts. Not many men will or can do that. I think it is time you sit him down and have an open and honest talk about him not feeling good enough for you. Let him know that is not true and that he is all the man you'll ever need and that he does satisfy you more then he'll ever know. Show him when your intimate just how much he pleases you but it really has to be genuine. Put his mind at ease in time he will stop watching porn and focus more on you. His confidence will grow with time. If not and he still continues watching porn then time to go see a couples therapist to help both of you find away forward. Good luck.

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Cyclist | 2017/01/12

This is totally normal although often women think their man is not into them as a result.This is not true,masturbating is a normal part of life and men are 'visual' when it comes to sex.They might masturbate looking at a sexy photo but forget about her straight afterwards. I would not be too concerned unless he stops wanting sex with you

Reply to Cyclist
Posted by: Anonymous | 2017/01/12

My whole message didn't post here. There is just to much I don't understand in this relationship. We barely have sex. Once a week if I am lucky. If I can have it my way it will be every day on different ways. I get so wet for him and enjoy sex with him, but it doesn't feel like I do it for him anymore. This once we had sex I was so turned on and we did it from behind while laying and we were finish and we were still laying on the bed while he is in me and I kissed him and looked at him in a very satisfied way and he said "what am I doing" and took out and acted all normal afterwards. I know he didn't cum but kept quiet because he gets so angry with me when I approach him about our sex live. Sometimes he just want himself pleasured like he will say "Cant I just make him cum' and then I get very angry because I also get turned on while playing with him then I say no he must tough me. I don't understand it. Like sometimes I feel like I just want to climb over him and kiss him in the neck and have some good sex but he give those vibe of he doesn't like it. We barely kiss when we do is it good bye when we go to work or when we have sex which almost never happens. I like kissing and touching and having sex but I just feel I cant do it with him when I want to. Like this one time I was so horny I just couldn't wait until he makes a move then he acted all childish when I started to kiss him he started laughing making me feel so uncomfortable and then he first wanted to shower before sex and then he did and we had sex but why act like that when I make the move. When I talk to him about sex he doesn't like to talk about it. I say I want more sex etc I tell him I like it when he kisses me in my neck but still he doesn't. Everything he wants his way. The day he asked me to marry him that night we slept alone at our home for the first time and we didn't even do anything. I was so pissed off. Like I don't even feel happy when I think of marrying him I know it is not just about sex but I even think the night when we get married we are going to sleep not have some romantic sex. I want it so bad from him but lately I feel like cheating because he just make me feel unwanted.

Reply to Anonymous

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