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Question
Posted by: Lulu2006 | 2017/10/19

Can a divorce affect you?

After I marriage for almost two year 2013- 2015 and the finally the divorce at Nov 2016 suddenly I have discovered that they recently got married , they have being dating just after the divorce , they even have a baby . I find myself shock en full of new emotions. Is it normal and could it be that I have not even grief over my divorce or worked threw it via counselling.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink
- 2017/10/20

Hello Lulu,
Yes.  If anyone thinks they are not significantly upset by a divorce, then they really didn't have a marriage to start with.  Whenever we lose someone or something we love and value ( and in a divorce you are losing both a person and a marriage ) we react with grief and have to work our way through a process of bereavement. Sometimes we settle down reasonably well and reasonably soon, but remain vulnerable.  We may experience a fresh welling up of emotions unexpectedly, perhaps at an anniversary, or on visiting a place that had emotional significance in regard to this relationship. Or, as in your situation, when you find that your ex has unexpectedly remarried.  You'd like to think that you're cool about this and to be able to wish them well :  but then you think -- does this mean that our marriage meant much less to him than it did to me?  Did he get over it all so soon and so easily ? Might this mean he was already starting this relationship even before the divorce ? And so on. 
Your reactions are entirely normal, but be carefully not to allow yourself to get too bogged down in them. The marriage is over, and you need to let go of it and of him.  Whatever he chooses to do with the rest of his life doesn't need to upset you.  You won't be free to get on with building a happier and better life for yourself until you let go of him and stop looking over your shoulder. 
I don't quite understand from your last comments whether or not you have been seeing a counsellor.  It would be a good idea to do so, so you can heal more efficiently and usefully.  A counsellor should have expected this type of reaction and helped you to prepare to deal with it.  And don't assume that this news means he is wildly happy and will remain so.  Sometimes people react in ways that are not in their own best interests, including plunging into a new relationship too soon, and before they are ready to make a wise decision, and they may come to regret it.

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