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Question
Posted by: | 2017/09/19

Adultery.

Hi CS, several months ago I wrote about the man I was seeing who was "technically married" because he was going through a divorce. Well as you and other readers mentioned, he could be using the "going through a divorce" as a an excuse. So any way, that was what he was doing. And now, the despite the fact that I know that he and his wife are not getting a divorce, (which is why she thought it ok to phone him and shout at him on the phone and demand to know where he was and what time he would be home) I'm still seeing him. I tried to break it off but he just pitches up says he's sorry and that he can see that I having a difficult time and that he does not want me to go through it alone and and and and ... I am angry and hurt and I want to hit him or something but the thing that makes me most ashamed is that I want him to leave her and choose me. And he won't do that because married men don't leave their wives. He tells me that I will never even begin to understand how he feels about me but if he did, he would leave me alone. Instead now we have a vicious circle where he comes around and I act like stupid crazy woman and rant and rave and he holds me and comforts me and everything is ok. and we go out and he parades me in front of his friends (what kind of friends are these people who has us in their homes and makes me part of their circle when they know he's married - I no longer go with him to his friends when they have get togethers or celebrations). The worst part is how i found out - i called him and his son answered and said "my daddy and my mommy are sleeping" . I have to leave this man alone! when he leaves me I don't feel the happy glow .. instead I feel guilty and bad about myself. I should have stuck to my guns when I said that he should stay away and call me when he's divorced. How do I get past this - I feel its more than just an error in judgment. It tells me about myself - what kind of woman does this? I can't even pray or go to church that's how bad I feel.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink
- 2017/09/20

Oh boy.
So the first time round, we were right. You had to be needy and naive to believe him then : but now you are choosing to reward him for all his continuing bad behaviour.
You have now discovered that he was lying to you and deceiving you, cheating on you with his wife, and cheating on his wife, with you. And apparently you were so delighted that you have resolved to continue this sleazy situation, even after you spoke to the innocent child who will be hurt by his daddy's selfishness.
Tell me, exactly what part of his slimy behaviour is it that you find gives you that special "happy glow" ?
"I have to leave this man alone" : so why don't you do just that ? Why do you insist on deluding yourself that he loves you at all, rather than merely loving the chances you give him to use you ?  When you rant about how hurt he makes you, he "comforts" you ? That's how abusers train their victims to remain suckers and to remain available whenever it suits them.
What's the point of dramatically expressing guilt, when you refuse to choose to stop doing this ? You are insistently creating and living in a soap opera, rather than rejoining the real world.
You now what you need to do, and it's simple and easy.  Just say no. Stop seeing him ; if he comes round, refuse to let him in, and warn him you will get a court order forbidding him from approaching or contacting you if he persists. Don't argue or discuss this with him : just do it. Refuse to accept any messages or calls from him.
Don't tell him to go away and call you when he's divorced. Even if he ever gets divorced, he has proved conclusively that he doesn't deserve to be allowed to inflict himself on any woman.
And see a counsellor, to help you develop some self-respect, and stop being so needy and vulnerable.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Booty | 2017/09/20

3 words: YOU DESERVE BETTER Tell him to leave you alone you are not a booty call nor he the boot-ier, focus on yourself, go to church, block all contact with him and recover. And next time wait for a man that you are sure is not married/involved before you even agree to a first date. A man that will appreciate you and say I LOVE YOU (and show it in all the ways including marrying you) instead of My Booty Call. Been there and done that. Funny enough my cheating boyfriend cheated on his wife and she divorced him after we broke up. I am happily married to the man I describe who replaced all my feelings for the cheater (in other words a better man who I feel truly and deeply in love with to the exclusion of all others literally and this is a second marriage for him but he waited until he was ready to enter a relationship, his ex cheated on him by the way). My ex Boot-ier has now got no wife, no kids (they turned against him, no booty call (me) and I was engaged to this sod never knowing he was cheating on me! It took all my strength and courage to get him to leave and for 3 years it hurt (but I am so happy now) and so glad I gave him the boot. I got what I deserve in a good way and so will you, be strong enough to do this and believe in your own strength and future. Boot him out.

Reply to Booty
Posted by: Anonymous | 2017/09/20

You are the only person that can change this, and I think you already know what you have to do. He is playing you like a fiddle and you are letting him. What kind of woman does this? The kind with low self esteem and no respect for herself. I would say that before you can love another, you need to learn to love an and respect yourself. Assuming he does choose you, you will surely be in the same situation his wife is in now. You will be with a cheating man you need to "check up on" because you KNOW what he is capable of. Is this really the life you want for yourself? How you get past this is you stop opening the door when he knocks on it. Don't answer the phone, don't call him. Stop being available for him to use you as he pleases. Let him go. You deserve better in any case.

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Anonymous | 2017/09/20

The only one that will end up hurt in this situation is you. You are being manipulated by this man.

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Tegan | 2017/09/20

I'm sorry that you are struggling so much with this. Have you asked yourself how you would genuinely feel if he actually did leave his wife at this point? Because from this and your previous post you seem like the type of lady that would feel guilt-ridden even if that were to happen now... What's the point then of continuing on with this man if, even in the best case scenario, you still end up having a black cloud hanging over head for the rest of your life? And why would you even want that? He's obviously not a good partner, selfish and uncaring about hurting others, a bad role model for his child, a liar and a cheat - Why do you *want* him to leave his wife to be with you?? What's so great about him and how do you know with certainty that it's not all just an act from him to get what he wants out of you? He has made it quite clear that he's capable of deceit to get what he wants, honestly I think you are still just being taken for a ride. You also have no guarantee that you will not end up in the same boat as his wife eventually, you will never be able to fully trust him and you will always worry about him finding someone else when he's bored/irritated with you... It just really sounds like there is no happy ending or good outcome for you here. Initially it was mostly on him, he was deceitful about the situation with his wife, but you seem to realize what the truth of it is now so the ball is in your court and it's up to you to do the right thing. "It tells me about myself - what kind of woman does this?" - It's 100% up to you to be the type of person that you are happy with. Don't allow someone else to drag you down a path you do not want to go down. It's one thing to have someone in your life that makes you miserable, another when that other person actually makes you miserable *with yourself*. You must simply put your foot down and stop allowing it, it's something that is entirely within your own control. I'm not religious but I respect other people's religious beliefs because I have seen the positivity and strength it can bring into their lives. Seeing as how you are religious, I would think that now more than ever would be a good time for you turn to your faith for strength and guidance? Wouldn't it help you get back to being the type of person that you actually liked? And if someone is causing you to feel so badly about what you are doing and about yourself that it's causing you to turn away from you faith shouldn't that be a major eye opener for you? Someone who genuinely cared for you wouldn't want to be the cause for you feeling this way about yourself and they would not be pulling you away from your faith either.

Reply to Tegan
Posted by: Anonymous | 2017/09/20

I think it is high time you have a one on one meeting with his wife. I think that will help you get this man out of your system for good. Once you see the hurt in his wife eyes and actually have an adult conversation with her and get to know this women you will walk away. His wife is well aware of you and she knows what you look like. So why pretend. Call her up and set up a meeting. Before you leave that meeting you ask for her to forgive you for the terrible and very humiliating things you have put her through all these years. Also prepare yourself for what ever she is about to vent toward you and the chance that she will not forgive you. This is no time for you to became cocky or self righteous. Yes, it took two people to tango and boy did the two of you tango and now that the music has stopped you cannot handle the ear deafening silence . You do not sound like a mean or vindictive person just a women who wanted love and did not listen to her morals and went into an adultery (Eyes wide shut) relationship. You cannot control that pathetic mans moves and doings but you can control your own. He will stop coming round to have a few minutes of romping around in your bed if you stop him. Grow up and become stronger then your urge for him. Coz the emptiness you feel after that romp clearly is not working for you. He zips up his pants, pats you on the back and goes back to his family leaving you behind till the next time. Stop this sick cycle. Time you find your God again and find yourself,. Forgive yourself as well. Move on and find yourself a single guy that will give you the world and treat you like a honest women. You know what to do.

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Anonymous | 2017/09/20

You are making a fool out of yourself. First by dating a married man, then by asking so desperate to be with him? Where is your self respect? Respect for his wife and child? Gosh. Go speak to a therapist please.

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: ED | 2017/09/20

Wow you are any married guys dream. Escort without the financial expense. You go girl. Dig deep and find your self respect where you have buried it and just walk away. Best of luck.

Reply to ED | 1 comment (hide)
Posted by: Anonymous | 2017/09/20

Don't worry Ed, you can't make me feel worse about myself than I already do. I go from hating him to hating me. So thank you

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