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Question
Posted by: Old School | 2014/01/20

Q.

A close teenage relative whom I love dearly has been invited to a function by a person from a different race group. She has accepted but I cannot reconcile with her decision. I just cannot bear to see her with this other person

I will not be present to see them together and this will cause ill feelings in the family. How do I handle this

Expert's Reply

A.

Expert ImageCyberShrink
- 2014/01/21

This sounds very clearly like YOUR problem, and not hers or indeed anyone else's. You dont mention how close a relative this is, or why you consider it any of your business who she chooses to go out with. You dont mention what sort of funcion his is where your own abence would be noticed and bother people --- is it a family function to which you have both been invited ? If your absence would cause ill feelings in the family, it sounds as though your whole family is being adult and sensible about this, and it is with all of them that you disagree ?
Are you really so sure that you "love dearly" this woman whose judgement and rights you reject ?  What kind of love is that ?
Isnt it time you graduated from that sad Old School where you learned bad habits of prejudice, and entered the real world we all live in ?
You are not under any obligation to be delighted about this friendship, but it really isnt any of your businss.  What you are obligated to be, is polite and courteous, and to avoid causing entirely unnecessary dramas for peple who dont share your prejudices. 

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user comments
Posted by: Anonymous | 2014/01/28

Daniel 2:43 ESV / 30 helpful votes As you saw the iron mixed with soft clay, so they will mix with one another in marriage, but they will not hold together, just as iron does not mix with clay.

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Michele | 2014/01/28

Oh my word! I am horrified at the rampant racism displayed here, both in the question and the replies. I don't care what the colour of someone's skin is. My question is, are they honourable people? I know many white people I will not associate with and many black people that I will more than happily have in my home and family. It is time people stopped looking at skin colour and move on. Oh, and stop using the Bible to try and back up your bigotry. All that does is show people exactly how misinformed and ill-educated you really are. Shame on all of you!

Reply to Michele
Posted by: A human being | 2014/01/28

There are many anonymous's today so it is difficult to say I agree with anonymous, but the one who wrote the longest response has the right attitude. You have a right to feel the way you do, however this teenager is not marrying this person and I'm not even sure whether you will be part of the function the couple will be attending so this is my feeling about it. I am sad for you that you are unable to let go of old baggage but it is YOUR baggage and my advice would be to make some excuse not to attend the event if indeed you're invited. If this teenagers parents (your child perhaps being one of them?) are okay with it then trust their judgement. Just for argument's sake if your teenager was fat and ugly and shunned by fattists and her black friend asked her to go I wonder whether you would have such an issue with it. This is your issue and you are entitled to not approve and withdraw from your family's life because of how you feel but realise that this is your decision alone and you are excluding yourself. Do not therefore be upset when you are excluded from future events because they do not invite you. If you are not part of the event these young people are attending together then I suggest you say nothing more to either her or her family because they are colourblind and you would be offending them by trying to play God based on your inculcated biases. I have a son of a different orientation and my 92 year old mother loves and accepts him because his orientation is but a small part of who he is. I welcome my son and his friends into my home and my life has been immeasurably enriched by so many of them regardless of orientation. I share my home with three black people and while at times it is difficult because of age differences and yes cultural differences as well we respect each other and I view them as family. I am grateful that I have this fortune to learn more about people whom I was denied the right to friendship with as a chil and most of my adulthood. I have other friends from the same culture and can assure you they are wonderful people. Do not estrange yourself from someone based on old deeprooted fears because this is what this is all about - your fears and lack of faith. I am 65 and widowed for 16 years and have major gratitude that we now have te freedom to choose our friends without fear of persecution due to their being the"wrong" colour. The bottom line is that you are not God and this young girl has the right to be friends with whomsoever she chooses unless they are known to be a criminal or dangerous and even then she can only learn through her own experiences and mistakes.

Reply to A human being
Posted by: Anonymous | 2014/01/28

Has anyone thought about what the Bible says? It is not a racist thing!!!!!!!!! What is said in the Bible is right, not what the government or country says, there is no such thing as "rights" gay rights????????? You may not be gay, and you stick to your skin colour, because that is what the Bible says!!!!!!!!!!! Its time the christans of this world start making a stand!!!!!!!!

Reply to Anonymous | 1 comment (hide)
Posted by: a non emouse | 2014/01/28

This is a lload of bolloks. I am a Christian the bible does not say anywhere that you must stick to your race. The Bible migt speak about homosexuality but most importantly it teaches us to love unconditionally. Love your neighbour as your self and forgive your enemy. Dont speak for all Christians when you are a bigot. I have had girlfriends from other races. I am colour blind when it comes to the colours of a persons skin.

Posted by: Anonymous | 2014/01/28

here is some advice on how to handle it.. Have a coke, smile and shut the F%^& up!!!

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: KC | 2014/01/28

You are so close to the relative. Why didn't you teach her from small that to have friends of another color is fine, but having a romantic relationship is wrong in every way? Lions don't mate with tigers and cattle don't mate with zebra's, but they do get along and are even friends in their own environment. The world has been changing for years. We knew how SA was going to change when we were children. We were told by our elders and teachers that our children will go to school with children from another color and that they will be our co-workers one day and our neighbors and our friends. I'm a Granny already. It is the elders (relatives) responsibility to teach their children right (non-racist) and when they grow up to trust them to make their own informed decisions. Once our 'children' has grown up, we must let go and just pray that our teachings will be remembered and lived to. They have to live their own lives and make their own decisions. Most important is if they made the wrong decisions and stumble and fall. We have to be there to pick them up, wipe off the tears and support them. Forever LOVING them no matter what they have done wrong in your eyes. there is this beautiful saying "Blood is thicker than water"

Reply to KC
Posted by: Keita | 2014/01/28

Prejudice of any kind is never a good thing. Just because other people are prejudiced doesn't mean it should be accepted. Prejudice should never, ever be acceptable in any way, shape of form. Grow up. It's not your life.

Reply to Keita
Posted by: Anonymous | 2014/01/27

Maybe you should go to the function and get to know the boy, instead of just judging him by his skin colour - your prejudices might evaporate over night?

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Anonymous | 2014/01/27

I feel u, even between blacks from different cultures, u will always be referred to as that Mosotho, or Xhosa or that Zulu, u never fit, infact it can be down right awkward and disrespctful.

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Jenna | 2014/01/27

I still disagree with you, Old School, and everyone else who agrees with him/ her. I just wish they'd remove this post.

Reply to Jenna
Posted by: Anonymous | 2014/01/27

What if it was your child? I will NOT allow it and therefore sympathize with the writer!

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Wiggle | 2014/01/27

Eish - come now playa, stay strong.

Reply to Wiggle
Posted by: Anonymous | 2014/01/27

Its so easy for everyone to say youre a racist or grow up, or or or... the people who say that should look in the mirror and keep their "biast" comments towards themselves. That is the typical response that a query like this always brings out. Ignore these people. The thing is everyone has rights, there are gay rights and the right to have an interacial relationship and the right to free speech etc. As far as your family member goes there are rights here too. This person has the right to date whomever she wants, it is your right not to agree with it, or accept it. Doing so doesnt make you a racist or a bigot. What you dont have the right to is to do anything about it, if you dont like it, voice your opinion to said relative in a calm and direct manner explaining where you are coming from and leave it at that, it has nothing further to do with you. Just because it is the "world norm" now, doesnt mean everyone has to agree with it any more than those who are against hunting or cutting down trees in the rain forest or different religious groups etc. People need to learn, we are all racist, we are all sexist, gays are "Straightists". if whatever action or past time floats your boat then good for you, dont turn on others and call them racisits because they dont share your view. I find myself in a very similar boat and there is no animosity in our relationship. A decision was made for a female relative to marry another race, i told them both how i feel by means of a civilized and loving conversation and that was that. We all have a good relationship today and everyone gets along with everyone even though the discussion took place. everyone doesnt have to get along, everyone does not have to conform to the standards of this life. if you agree with something, then good, if you disagree with something....then good. ITs not up to anyone else to tell you what you are as a result.

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Anonymous | 2014/01/27

You are an idiot! what are u? 2 years old?

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Anonymous | 2014/01/27

Tell her about white genocide. Show her the pics of murdered farmers on the internet.. that should scare the living hell out of her. If that doesn't work, skop haar op haar p and move on ... LOL!!!!!!!!!!!

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Anonymous | 2014/01/27

As long as it is not my daughter I don't care. I don't want any half-bred gran kids. It's disgusting.

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Anonymous | 2014/01/27

Start by admitting that you are a racist. Then speak to a trusted family member who you conside not a racist. If they start by saying 'I understand where you come from' then ask them how they got rid of their racissm and prejudice. But its important for you to admit that you are indeed a dickhead!

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Anonymous | 2014/01/27

Start by admitting that you are a racist. Then speak to a trusted family member who you conside not a racist. If they start by saying 'I understand where you come from' then ask them how they got rid of their racissm and prejudice. But its important for you to admit that you are indeed a dickhead!

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Anonymous | 2014/01/27

OMG let me guess, you would also have a complete fannymeltdown if your close relative turns out to be gay! And what if your gay cousin dates someone of another colour??? How would you cope? LOL Seriously - get over your biases. It is not your life - why do you think you need to give your permission?. If I were your close relative I would tell you to F right off.

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Anonymous | 2014/01/27

To deal with it you have to do one thing. Grow up.

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: New School | 2014/01/27

If you don't want to see them together, maybe you should close your eyes. And while you at it, walk in front of a bus

Reply to New School
Posted by: Anonymous | 2014/01/27

Get a life. Its none of your business. How can what happens in someone else life and their choices make you so obsess with their life. Maybe you start minding your own business and move on

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Anonymous | 2014/01/27

Cant see why this letter/question even got to print... this forum is for health issues right?

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Paul | 2014/01/27

Hey D, doe the D stand for Dickhead??

Reply to Paul
Posted by: d | 2014/01/27

CyberShrink, you are an idiot

Reply to d
Posted by: Majozi | 2014/01/27

Go to the zoo and throw yourself in the lion`s den.

Reply to Majozi
Posted by: Anonymous | 2014/01/27

Its sad that people like YOU still exist...

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Purple | 2014/01/21

What you're experiencing is called racism - disliking someone because they have a diferent skin colour to yours. Since you aren't her parent, you don't have any say in who she does and doesn't associate with, and even if you did, basing decisions on the behaviour and actions of the person would be more appropriate than just disliking htem because they're of a different race group.

Reply to Purple
Posted by: Anonymous | 2014/01/21

You pretty much have two options here: A) Go to the event, even if you don't approve of them going together, you can still be courteous. Try to accept the fact that she will make her own choices and instead of fretting over something as irrelevant as race, try focusing on the fact that you are all fortunate enough to see her enjoying her youth. B) Don't go to the event because your outdated, racists views are of such a high importance to you that it's worth causing drama over and even overshadowing that actual reason for the gathering, which is completely unfair towards the teenagers. I guess maybe it's due to the fact that I'm a late 80's baby that I just don't see the big issue here..even if you have a really big problem with interracial couples, they are just kids, going to a (school?) function together, they are not getting married! If you consider yourself 'old school' aren't you supposed to behave in an 'old school' manner? Which to me would mean being gracious and ladylike/ a gentleman even in situations that you feel are uncomfortable..

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Maria | 2014/01/20

You grit your teeth, drag yourself out of the dark ages and go to the function. Be civil and polite, you don't have to spend a lot of time interacting with them. Who she chooses to go with is none of your business.

Reply to Maria

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