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Posted by: Flower1980 | 2013-01-21

9 year old son

I am a divorcee with a 9 year old son. I have been dating my boyfriend on and of last 3 years now. My son is used to him, boyfriend does a lot of thing for my son by buying expensive gift etc. His dad doesn''t do anything or spend time with him, Yesterday we had sex in the room behind close doors and locked. My son tried to open the door and then my son peeked through the key whole. Then he burst out screaming ''You having sex"  and he started crying and throwing tantrums. This is the 3rd time something like this has happen. The first time he was crying so hard as if someone told him I died. He knows what sex is, I have never expose him to it. I don''t understand his behavior and when I question him about it, he cant explain himself to me. Another thing that bothers me, is when I tried talking to him he couldn''t look in my face, I don''t know if its shyness, anger, embarrassment or what
What does a nine year old feel?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Buying expensive gifts, of course, isn't an important thing to do for a child ; giving loving , caring time together is far more valuable.
Is it really essential for you two to have sex while your son is in the home and awake ? What about while he's visiting friends or family, or at school, or at night once he's asleep ?
Its not at all surprising that he can't easily explain WHY this upsets him so much ( "Why?" is often a remarkably unhelpful question to ask people ). But of course he's embarassed. Even if a child has learned the technicalities of sex, they usually don't want to think of their parents or loved ones actually doing IT.
I very much agree with Purple about the importance ( not in any angry or accusatory way ) of talking calmly about the importance of giving privacy to others ( and being able to expect it oneself ) ; not looking through keyholes, and so on.
Don't scold Purple for "judging" you - throughout your life people will judge you, and its a privilege when you hear what other people think of you and your story.
Christiana's comments are also very helpful

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Our users say:
Posted by: Anon | 2013-01-21

Personally I don''t think a tv is enough of a distraction, kids are curious at that age, he knows that you guys are home, go looking for you and you are in a locked room, ofcourse he''s going to peep to see what''s going on in there.
If you say it''s happenend atleast twice before why attempt it again? Do you really need to have sex while he is at home and awake? Rather all spend time together while he is up and leave it untill he''s asleep.

Reply to Anon
Posted by: S Curl | 2013-01-21

I personally would not feel comfortable having sex knowing that my son is wild awake watching TV.

Reply to S Curl
Posted by: Christiana | 2013-01-21

Sorry meant " does not face the door" .

Reply to Christiana
Posted by: Christiana | 2013-01-21

Hi flower.

Maybe you should change your bed in such a way that it doe face the door. (Like put it right opposite the door). Tell your son, you were cuddling. And rolling around the bed. And that you won''t have sex when he is in the house. So that he can be assured that next time when he sees you in bed. He will think you playing with your bf.

Reply to Christiana
Posted by: Maria | 2013-01-21

I agree with Purple, don''t have sex unless your son is asleep or not at home. I understand that you thought tv would occupy him the whole time but clearly it didn''t. Does he maybe feel a bit threatened by your boyfriend? He can''t buy the kid''s love with expensive gifts, giving him positive attention is important.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: Flower1980 | 2013-01-21

I did not right on this page to be judge but in need of advice. And for your information Purple me son was in his room the whole time watching cartoons, it''s not like we went to go tell him we going to have sex. His dad is non existent life.

Reply to Flower1980
Posted by: Purple | 2013-01-21

Perhaps you need to have sex when your son is asleep or not at home.

He does need to learn about privacy and boundaries, so teaching about not looking through key holes and seeing things one doesn''t want to see is a good idea, but as an adult - can you not restrain yourself until he is asleep? You are exposing him to sex.

Of course he''s crying and won''t look you in the eye - what a distressing thing.

My son is also 9 and is full of questions wanting to know more about sex. I answer them but if its too personal I tell him that its personal and I don''t wish to answer that particular question (like - when did we last have sex). Even my 9 year old has however worked out that this is a private act - he asked me if parents wait until the children are on play dates or have gone to bed and I said yes.

Buying expensive gifts isn''t the way to a childs heart. Spending time with them, playing games with them, reading to them, going to their school events - that''s how one builds a relationship with a child. Whether your childs father buys expensive gifts is not important - what your child will remember is what effort he put into the relationship. Your boyfriend may be long term, but tossing the odd expensive gift your childs way doesn''t make him much of a father figure. Has he tried spending some time with your son rather than spending all day bonking you?

Remember how you felt when you discovered your parents had sex. I remember thinking it was disgusting - eeuw - they were so old (they must have been younger than I am now when I found out about sex - though in our house it wasn''t one conversation, we kind of always knew as our questions were always answered honestly and with enough information for our age and developmental understanding levels).

Reply to Purple

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