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Question
Posted by: Tina | 2011-06-07

8 yr old

I am fostering a little girl (8yrs). She has contact with her Bio Mom. I am concerned that my little girl is feeling " caught in the middle" . She never tells her Bio Mom that she loves her although I am sure she does. Her Bio Mom tells her that she loves her all the time but my little girl does not say it back. She tells me she loves me. I try to re-assure her that it is okay for her to love her Bio Mom too. How do I know if she is feeling " caught in the middle"  or if I am over reacting?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

There's really no way to KNOW such things, other than by asking the child ; more easily within a conversation rather than as a single fraught question. Maybe the child feels the need to assure you of her love for you, so you will remain caring for her, whereas she understand ( in whatever way, only she can tell you ) that she has currently lost biomom, so doesn't feel such need to confirm her love for biomom ? Maybe for some reason she actually doesn't love biomom as much, or in the same way, and so doesn't say it ?
As for the concern about being caught in the middle, similarly, include it within chat, that some kids feel that way in a situation like this, and its understandable and not a problem and how does she feel ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: Maria | 2011-06-07

Thank you for opening up your heart and your home to this young girl. If it is financially viable I would suggest a couple of sessions with a good child psychologist. They sometimes manage to get through to kids on a level that we as parents can''t.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: Tina | 2011-06-07

The social worker is not helpful at all infact they keep changing and are just about non existant

Reply to Tina
Posted by: Truth | 2011-06-07

The social worker in this case should be advising you. What does she say/recommend?

Reply to Truth
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011-06-07

There's really no way to KNOW such things, other than by asking the child ; more easily within a conversation rather than as a single fraught question. Maybe the child feels the need to assure you of her love for you, so you will remain caring for her, whereas she understand ( in whatever way, only she can tell you ) that she has currently lost biomom, so doesn't feel such need to confirm her love for biomom ? Maybe for some reason she actually doesn't love biomom as much, or in the same way, and so doesn't say it ?
As for the concern about being caught in the middle, similarly, include it within chat, that some kids feel that way in a situation like this, and its understandable and not a problem and how does she feel ?

Reply to cybershrink

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