advertisement
Question
Posted by: Mary | 2011-09-10

7 year old hates me

I adopted a 7 month old girl who is now 7 years old. I recently found a piece that she had written and in it, she says that she hates me and her dad. I think its to do with us not letting her have a horse but I never expected such strong words from her. I''m not sure how to move forward with this. Do I confront her about it or do I just leave it. I feel that I should do something? But what? She knows that she is adopted - we have never kept this a secret. She hasn''t asked too many questions about this. I''m just so worried that there is more going on in her head. Do I seek professional help or am I over reacting....... I thank you in advance for you help. Regards
Mary.

Not what you were looking for? Try searching again, or ask your own question
Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

All kids at times express hatred towards their parents ( and others ). Doing so over something as totally trivial as wanting you to buy her a horse suggests she is truly spoiled and has no realistic concept of life, prices, and responsibilities. What was she demanding ? A horse, and a stable, and mounds of horse-feed, and a stable attendant to look after the horse, and a saddle, and a place to ride it, and, and, and ?
Its not a question of CONFRONTING ( a term that is dangerously popular these days ) but from the sound of it there are a range o issues that you need as a couple to discuss calmly with her - how she feels about being adopted, that no child has any RIGHT to expect to get everything she fancies, especially not something as large as a horse, and how we cope with the financial and realistic limitations on how much of what we might want, we can get.
Suggest she start doing more chores around the home in return for a very modest increase in pocket money, and start saving up for a horse and all the attendant costs, and put her through the exercise of costing it - the prices of horses, feed, accomodating them, saddles, and so on. And then maybe she can calculate how long it might take her to save up to be able to afford that. Maybe she'd get a horse sometime before she retires ?
Don't take the "I hate you" comment too much to heart - its an expression of sudden anger, not a carefully calculated evaluation of you as a parent.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

9
Our users say:
Posted by: Mary | 2011-09-14

My concern with this is that I started riding from an early age. My parents said one lesson a week and you''ll never own a horse. Within a short period of time, I had three horses, went to shows every weekend, etc etc etc. Horses were my everything. As a result, I didn''t have a very rounded child hood because everything was horse. I don''t think I would have settled for anything less than being able to ride, compete etc etc. I hear exactly what you are saying but am inclined more to " ignore"  the obsession. Its not going to stop with grooming........ I too love the combination and from my own childhood - it was wonderful. But do I encourage it? Thanks so much for your input Maria. I really do appreciate it. Are you on Facebook?

Reply to Mary
Posted by: Maria | 2011-09-12

You could also try and find someone with a pony that she can groom, feed treats, and do things with from the ground. Riding isn''t the only way to interact with horses. You would have to find the right pony, and always have her wear a hard hat and perhaps a body protector when she is around horses. Sorry, I can''t resist, I love the combination of kids and horses!

Reply to Maria
Posted by: Maria | 2011-09-12

I was going to write oh what a shame... but it''s not an adequate response. If you ever do want to pursue the possibility of riding for her, have a look at SARDA (South African Riding for the Disabled). They do amazing work.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: Mary | 2011-09-12

My daughter was born with one vertebrae short! She has had spinal fusions and while she is 100% okay, there is a weak spot in her spine which is never going to change. Horse riding (repetitive spinal jolting) would put strain on her spine - not to mention if or when she falls off. Jumping on trampolines, springboard diving, athletics etc are all sports which she won''t be able to do. Sad - but she can walk and for that we are very greatful.

Reply to Mary
Posted by: Maria | 2011-09-12

You''re welcome. :)

May I ask what medical condition your daughter has? Medical professionals who are not riders tend to over or underestimate the dangers.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: Mary | 2011-09-11

Maria. Thank you so much for such positive feedback. I hear you re the horses..... I grew up with them - but didn''t live in the middle of the city!

I guess I just panicked a bit with the I hate you letter. I knew it would come - just thought it would be in the teenage years. My daughter is the most wonderful, loving child - who doesn''t want for much but is certainly not spoilt. She just has an incredible love for horses. She has a medical condition that prevents her from riding and its been explained over and over that horses are just not an option. It doesn''t take away the sadness in her heart though. Also, bio or adopted, I think we all wonder what goes on in their little heads sometime.

Once again, thanks so much for the positive comment.

Regards
Mary

Reply to Mary
Posted by: Maria | 2011-09-11

Oh, and unless she persistently gives you such strongly negative messages about her feelings, just chuck the paper in the bin and forget about it.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: Maria | 2011-09-11

I also have an adopted child. Us adoptive parents tend to overreact when our kids go " I hate you"  or " You''re not my mom" . Bio kids do that too, it has nothing to do with being adopted. It''s just a child''s way of expressing anger and frustration. Try not to take it personally. It''s difficult, I know.

As for the horse... I''m owned by one. My daughter likes to ride but knows that there isn''t a snowball''s hope of her having a horse until she can finance it herself. Horses are expensive, and from what I''ve seen kids can''t really look after them properly until they''re in their teens. So either the horse gets neglected or mom and dad ends up doing all the work.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011-09-11

All kids at times express hatred towards their parents ( and others ). Doing so over something as totally trivial as wanting you to buy her a horse suggests she is truly spoiled and has no realistic concept of life, prices, and responsibilities. What was she demanding ? A horse, and a stable, and mounds of horse-feed, and a stable attendant to look after the horse, and a saddle, and a place to ride it, and, and, and ?
Its not a question of CONFRONTING ( a term that is dangerously popular these days ) but from the sound of it there are a range o issues that you need as a couple to discuss calmly with her - how she feels about being adopted, that no child has any RIGHT to expect to get everything she fancies, especially not something as large as a horse, and how we cope with the financial and realistic limitations on how much of what we might want, we can get.
Suggest she start doing more chores around the home in return for a very modest increase in pocket money, and start saving up for a horse and all the attendant costs, and put her through the exercise of costing it - the prices of horses, feed, accomodating them, saddles, and so on. And then maybe she can calculate how long it might take her to save up to be able to afford that. Maybe she'd get a horse sometime before she retires ?
Don't take the "I hate you" comment too much to heart - its an expression of sudden anger, not a carefully calculated evaluation of you as a parent.

Reply to cybershrink

Have your say

Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
advertisement