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Question
Posted by: Strawberry | 2008-11-05

5 years + and no proposal

I am a 41 year old lady. 13 years divorced and had the last 5,5 years a serious relationship with a wonderful man also 41 years. He has been 6 year divorced. We have been living together since we met. We have purchased 4 properties together and share all costs at home. What worries me is that my fiancee (engaged for 2,5 years) never get to ask me to marry him and I feel I really want that final commitment, otherwise my feelings are that he might just use me as a " business-partner"  in his life. We love another very much and spend almost all our free time together, but I get often haunted by this feeling of why he never asks me to finally commit to him? I brought it up a few times and he seems to get frustrated if I do bring it up. I feel if I don' t mention it, he just conveniently ignore and maybe " play for time"  not to get to this final step. I read quite a lot on the internet re this and most advice is to move out and see what happens. Should I do this drastic step? It entails much more than just moving out, I will have to look for another place to live (and have an extra expense whilst HE is the 1 who don' t finally commit) and move my home-based office as well. Both costly exercises. He seems to be happy to live like this (not taking the final step), always blame it on how busy our businesses keep us and I feel like a convenient maid in the house, accommodating family, entertaining, contribute exactly to half of the household and half of our expenses on our other properties and becoming by that just the " perfect mate"  with NO commitment, free for him to trade me in as soon as it might suite him one day!

Am I wrong? What should I do as I start to feel very insecure about this and I don' t want to change my strong confident personality to make space for someone who might just use me!

Please advise CyberShrink!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Why not see a relationship / couples counsellor together, amnd work on clarifying what you each expect and need ? It may well be that he's in his comfort-zone, and happy and satisfied with the status quo, which for him probably includes every advantage of marriage, so he feels no need to change this.

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2
Our users say:
Posted by: Des | 2008-11-05

Remember that if you have lived together for more than 2 years, you are married in common law, so he cant just up and leave and ' trade you in'  as there are still laws regarding everything you own together.

Reply to Des
Posted by: Mom | 2008-11-05

Maybe he is worried that a ring would ruin what you have which seems to be a happy relationship. We see it as the final step, proof of their ultimate love, they see it as a ball and chain which could end badly.

Once bitten twice shy.

Ask yourself this : would a ring on your finger really make your life that different to now? You love him, he loves you, that should be enough right?

Reply to Mom

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