Our expert says:
Sorry to hear about all this. Sad how life sometimes manages to line up a series of experiences so well designed to upset us and mess us up. Its actually quite common that these forms of sxual guilt and self-hate lead some folks into a pattern of self-punishing promiscuity. You are fortunate not to have experienced more damage including physical harm, which was obviously a very possible outcome.
You have actually stated the necessary solution - professional help from an experienced therapist who can help you work through all this murky stuff and set yourself free from it. Can you affird NOT to get such help ? You HAVE to make the time for it ( how much time and money is wasted on all the bad habits arising from not dealing with these problems ? ) Check out what might be available through the dept of psychiatry or psychology at your nearest medical school or university.
You know smoking is bad for you, and your first love would surely be horified to think you would even think of continuing this self-damaging habit in memory of him. Copying one of his errors is no way to remember him kindly.
And it sounds as though you continue to punish yourself by relationships with unsuitable men which are certain to bring you to further grief.
And thouh you are asking for miraculous intervention here, you KNOW that though there are solutions to be found, they will take time and hard work on your side and a good therapist, and could not be provided in this on-line format. You know that you are asking for an impossible quick fix, maybe in part as a way of avoiding the hard work and self-seaching necessary as part of finding a lasting solution.
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