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Question
Posted by: R | 2011-10-03

13 and FACEBOOK

She is only 13 I got a shock of my life SHE HAS A FACEBOOK ACCOUNT and 21 friends all from her school. I dont want her on facebook I am angry at her. I want to take her phone why should she do this without discussing it with me

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

This sort of thing shouldn't come as a surprise to you - I happen to dislike Facebook, too, but expect kids to join in the empty fad, especially when everyone else at school is doing so, and they feel foolishly left out if they don't. Rather prepare for this. Discuss it CALMLY with the child, askign if she's heard of it, what she hears about it, what she thinks of it. Emphasize that bad people can and do use such opportunities to find inexperienced people and make trouble for them. The best mu I know, has allowed her kids to have a facebook presence, but only on condition that she has free access to the page, is listed as a friend, and that the children know she can and will check randomly to see everything's going all-right. Discuss the risks of posting details of yourself online, especially address, and contact details, as its open to EVERYONE on earth, and not only your friends.
As to why she did this without discusing it with you - it probably seemed harmless to her, and maybe she expected you to go through the roof rather than to discuss it calmly ?
As Jesica says, if you didn't discuss this in advance, and didn't specifically tell her not to, she has hardly disobeyed you.
I think it is extremely foolish for any indulgent parent to buy any child a cellphone with internet access - it is totally unnecessary ( NO child needs that ) and not available for parental control, whereas with home-based web access on computer, preferably with the computer in the lounge rather than available for secret stuff in the bedroom, you can also use parental control software to appropriately limit access.
I totally disagree wih the view that sites like Facebook "are important for a kids social development" - that's naive and populist hokum and hogwash ( enough to wash a whole bucnch of hogs !) . The very best possible thing for kids social development is the old-fashioned way, by developing actual real life flesh-and-blood friendships with actual people at school and in the neighbourhood, rather than the phony "friends" on Facebook.
Switch her phone to on e without internet access, but give her internet access from home, and encourage her to use Facebook from there with you as a friend with full access, and yes, try a page of your own, maybe with her advice and helping you, so you can bond over this rather than make it an unnecessary crisis.

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4
Our users say:
Posted by: Jessica | 2011-10-03

To comment on Cyberdoc''s comment re that article read, I do agree with him fully that it is total rubbish (I myself only have my family and friends that I actually see on my Facebook), but you know what kids are like. It''s like if you shop at Pep while they shop at Levi''s- kids will get bullied for " not being one of the crowd" .

Reply to Jessica
Posted by: Romany | 2011-10-03

I agree with Jessica. Not much you can do about it. It is pretty much the norm and if you want to keep your daughter''s trust you need to trust her.
Open your own Facebook page and add her as a friend. I have good fun with my kids on facebook.
Why did she not tell you? Probably thought it would be ok... everyone else has one...

Reply to Romany
Posted by: Jessica | 2011-10-03

First of all, did you tell her she cannot open a Facebook account? If you did tell her she cannot have an account, where did she open it? On her phone? The computer at home? A friends house? If it was on her phone, buy her a phone that DOESN''T have internet access. If it was on the computer at home, change the password to log onto the internet. If it was at a friends house, forbid her from going to the friends house. Look, there are worse sites she could be going on, and she only has 21 friends all from school. Become her friend on Facebook so you can ''track'' her, if you will. There was actually an interesting article on this site (health24) that states that sites like Facebook are important for a kids social development. What about Facebook don''t you like that you don''t want her to be on it?

Reply to Jessica
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011-10-03

This sort of thing shouldn't come as a surprise to you - I happen to dislike Facebook, too, but expect kids to join in the empty fad, especially when everyone else at school is doing so, and they feel foolishly left out if they don't. Rather prepare for this. Discuss it CALMLY with the child, askign if she's heard of it, what she hears about it, what she thinks of it. Emphasize that bad people can and do use such opportunities to find inexperienced people and make trouble for them. The best mu I know, has allowed her kids to have a facebook presence, but only on condition that she has free access to the page, is listed as a friend, and that the children know she can and will check randomly to see everything's going all-right. Discuss the risks of posting details of yourself online, especially address, and contact details, as its open to EVERYONE on earth, and not only your friends.
As to why she did this without discusing it with you - it probably seemed harmless to her, and maybe she expected you to go through the roof rather than to discuss it calmly ?
As Jesica says, if you didn't discuss this in advance, and didn't specifically tell her not to, she has hardly disobeyed you.
I think it is extremely foolish for any indulgent parent to buy any child a cellphone with internet access - it is totally unnecessary ( NO child needs that ) and not available for parental control, whereas with home-based web access on computer, preferably with the computer in the lounge rather than available for secret stuff in the bedroom, you can also use parental control software to appropriately limit access.
I totally disagree wih the view that sites like Facebook "are important for a kids social development" - that's naive and populist hokum and hogwash ( enough to wash a whole bucnch of hogs !) . The very best possible thing for kids social development is the old-fashioned way, by developing actual real life flesh-and-blood friendships with actual people at school and in the neighbourhood, rather than the phony "friends" on Facebook.
Switch her phone to on e without internet access, but give her internet access from home, and encourage her to use Facebook from there with you as a friend with full access, and yes, try a page of your own, maybe with her advice and helping you, so you can bond over this rather than make it an unnecessary crisis.

Reply to cybershrink

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