Posted by: Anonymous | 2008-11-28

12 year old

Yesterday my daugter and fr wanted to sit on the stoep after I' ve told them to wait inside seeing that it don' t feel safe as there are policemen with guys running around and 3 men were cuffed so she replied they' ll see if they want to come in. So I locked them outside and went to lock the back door and returned and asked if they are now ready to come in and they replied no. So I demanded they come in. I let her talk on the phone with her gran as to see it from my point of view so after it I asked her if she can see why I acted as I did but she just went to her and sat on her bed crying writing in her dairy.
I asked her whats wrong and she said " you hate me"  I replied I don' t hate you so she kept going " you hate me"  so I said that maybe its her hating me and now she wants to reflect it on me and went out of her room. After that I wanted to tell her if I hate her that much why would I tell her to come to safety? but her door was closed but told her anyway.
Later she brought her dairy for me to read.
Sh wrote at one place
'  Whenmother read this I just don' t want to think that I hate(underlined) you but Just to let know what makes me sad (underlined). and causes me to just want to die (underlined). But I know here a plan for me on earth and that is to love my mothereven though she ignores me, cause she is my only mother (hi lighted).
On the next page she hi lighted big letters
When I' m grown up and my mother didn' t commited suicide yet and if I have enough money then I to spoil my mother Very Very much: cause I love her AND ITS MY MOTHER.
Should I be concerned about what she wrote? Why did she show it to me? She also said I only love her brother as I only wanted a son.... They sometimes get physical for my attention.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Unfortunately, many teenagers go through an incredibly annoying phase of feeling unloved ( nomatter how much love and care they receive) and trying to provoke dramatic situations like this. And of course to write about it in her diary, recording the drama for later use. I don't understand "fr" --- was her father, or some other adult out there with her, and not helping ? If so, shame on them for being foolish and unhelpful. OR do you mean friend ? If so, what did the friend's mother think ? And then she brings you the diary to read, to embarrass and influence you.
BUT, look at what she wrote. She is saying that she feels sad, and that she loves you very much, but doubts your love for her. I know it's hard if there's more than one kid, but set aside some time for her alone ( it doesn't have to be very long --- its quality that counts ). And tell her that you feel very busy and find it hard to find time for all of them --- take the time to share some activity with her, and assure her that you love her ---and that this whole incident arose because you loved her so much you were scared by her being outside when there could have been some danger. Maybe you can ask whether she feels old enough to help you with some chores, or with the younger kids ? She may value feeling important and significant in helping the household work better

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Our users say:
Posted by: Mummy | 2008-11-28


Yes you can with 4 kids, I have 4 kids two of the are still babies (twins) and I make sure that when I get home from work I sit with them and chat, I don' t cook everyday as I realised if I have to do it everyday then it will take most of time. We sit together and watch tv whatever they wanna watch I watch, I listen to their music I also study attend on some evenings and study when they are all asleep. I love my babies and I love it when its just me and them. And the eldest is 16. So you can spend time with them as well as give them their freedom.

Reply to Mummy
Posted by: Anon | 2008-11-28

well said CS, that will def help the teen, i feel you anonymous ...the fact that u show concern im sure u are the best mom... all the prayers but i hope she outgrows it...make her feel useful and responsible it fascinates teenagers and helps u bond, i didn grow up wit my mom as i was not tought sum chores so wen i come to vzt her at that age on holidays because i couldn do some of the staff she used to tell mi how useless,stupid and different from other children...that almost costed my life... but im over that now i love my mom we get along so well now cause i proved her wrong as im the only one' s responsible self-sufficient young woman to her children...but all the best and count your blessings that God showed u how she feels b4 its too late now u have a chance...

Reply to Anon
Posted by: Anonymous | 2008-11-28

I try but with 4 children its bit difficult to please everybody.

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: almost mad | 2008-11-28

make time to spend alone with her...maybe a lunch date or even bake bicuites together. you need to bond and show her you WANT to spend time with her.

Reply to almost mad

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