Posted by: Wife. | 2013-01-22

10yr Marriage vs new love - Cont.

This was discussed on H2H, if u dont mind, I would like to discuss this further.

Out of love with his wife of 10years and they have 2 kids(girls) love with a coulleague and he says he has never been inlove the way he is now,

Whats your take Ladies n Gents? yhoo sad

In my case, We have been married for 11 years with 2 kids and he met this woman, last year around May month, they are still seeing each other, I tried fighting it but they just never stopped, and I can see him drifting furthre and further apart from me and falling hard for her and no matter what I do it seems I just cant change that. I can financially not afford divorcing him at this moment but I can feel that my love for him is dissappering, I am not sure if my love is getting over or I am accepting that he loves her and not me anymore and mentally prepared now for us to separate? but I must admit its damn hard living with a man but more of a stranger lately, we dont touch, hardly a baby kiss let alone passionate kisses anymore sex is once a month if lucky and I used to seduce him and sometimes demand it and all but now I am content and OK with the fact that he goes out without saying where he is going and come back early hours of the morning on weekends and during the week, I am OK that we dont kiss of have sex anymore, I dont ask him anything anymore and I am just letting things be and just dont think about it so much anymore and keep myself occupied with our kids and my work.

Seems New love is winning over our 11 year old marriage.

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Posted by: JR | 2013-01-25

I am really glad that I can make a difference. That''s what it''s all about. Just one of the ways I try and give back, and give thanks for the many, many blessings I receive each day - those I know about, and those I take forgranted.

Attitude is so important. It''s not your problem that''s the problem, but your attitude to the problem that is the real problem. That is so true. These days I try very hard to operate from a platform of love and kindness. I just seem to have better relationships with everyone from my first husband''s girlfriend, whom I really used to hate, to the shop stewards at work that I disliked equally much.

It hurts, that''s no lie, but every dark cloud has a silver lining. The pain is sore, but it also teaches us lessons, shapes us and makes us stronger, and as long as we learn from the pain and the mistakes we made, then it''s all good.

How our parents survived? I saw something some time ago - it was a picture of an old couple and a youngster asking how they lasted so long (or something like that) The answer was because in the old times we fixed what was broken, we didn''t merely throw it away. And that''s so true, we are not prepared to sacrifice and compromise any more.

Coco, it''s good that you are taking time out for yourself. Go and enjoy every minute. Good for you. And while you are out, please don''t worry about anything. Not your children or husband, or the ironing or cleaning - nothing. Enjoy your time out to the fullest. It will help you to be able to " do life"  so much better.

Have a great week-end.

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Posted by: Pretty Pear | 2013-01-25

Nice one JR...

eish but it hurts when the friend goes on about her man

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Posted by: Coco | 2013-01-25

Well Said JR, you know what you said something that made me plan my weekend. I guess I have been neglecting myself a lot lately focusing on my hubby and kids forgeting that I also have to make myself happy. I made plans to meet with my friend on Sunday but I was planning to cancel so that I could spend time with my kids but thats what I have been doing most of the time where as hubby is busy enjoying himself every weekend.

Tomorrow im going to them mall with the kids and Sunday is me time with my friend. Thanx JR for inspiring me and the other ladies *wink with a big smile*

Reply to Coco
Posted by: Buhle | 2013-01-24

well put JR ...sjooo life is so difficult .i dont know how our parentsand their parents parents survived .

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Posted by: Wife | 2013-01-23

JR My email is thanx

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Posted by: JR | 2013-01-22

Is it really love, or is it infatuation? Is it something new and different, that will eventually fade? Does she awaken feelings in him that he has not felt for the longest time that he really enjoys?
Wives and kids are demanding and hard work. Mistresses are fun, full of energy. Wives get so wrapped up in domesticity and " life" . The other woman is pure entertainment, and that is the attraction.

We get so caught up in doing life, that we forget that we are not just husband and wife, but that we are people that have needs that need to be nurtured. If those needs are not met, it is human nature that we are going to look elsewhere, and it is going to seem wonderful and just what we always wanted and all that......... until you start doing " life"  with that person. Then the grass is also going to be somewhat covered in manure.

Fighting for him is not the answer. You cannot sway someone whose mind is made up with words I am not saying you should just accept it, because he is YOUR husband. What I am saying is that a strategy change is required. You cannot do what you always did and expect a different outcome so you have to do things differently.

Step one, work on your self esteem issues (don’ t say you don’ t have esteem issues, because every woman whose man is not 100% there has esteem issues) Step two, get a life of your own. I cannot stress this enough. Your husband cannot be the bee all and end all of your existence. You need to have a life ( and your kids are not your life either) Make yourself happy.

Your relationship will not thrive if you do not have inner happiness, and only you can provide that. I don’ t have a man, but I cannot tell you the change being busy and having stuff to do brings to my life. I don’ t have time to brood and be sulky because I am too busy being happy. It sounds silly, I sleep better, I wake up better (don’ t laugh –  I hate waking up)and in general it’ s just all good, even when it’ s not all good, it’ s not that bad, I can cope. If I ever did meet someone, he would have to be busy too, because I can’ t imagine just coming home cooking cleaning going to bed getting up going to work and just doing the whole cycle all over again the next day. I didn’ t ever think I would come to the point where I could say, I love my life, but I do, and when prince charming does come riding in on his white horse ( he better hurry up, time is ticking here) he’ s getting what he deserves. A whole, happy, complete person, who does not rely on others to create that completeness, and that can deal with the curveballs in a functional manner.

I would be happy to talk to you more about how I changed if you would be willing to post your email address, and give you some ideas on how to get your husband to noitice you again. I would like to believe that I have done a 360 (okay maybe 320 –  I still have a way to go) turnaround from being a jealous, klingy possessive, neurotic, psychotic, manic depressive pain in the proverbial to being self confident, socially comfortable, peaceful, happy, calm (the hard one), and patient.

A big problem I picked up with myself is I cannot listen, and I think this is the problem with most of us. If we just shut up long enough to actually hear the other person, instead of while they are still talking we already have our answer formulated which makes it not about them, but about us. Ok, Im off on a tangent here. Anyway, hope you get what I am trying to say.

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