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Question
Posted by: Feel like an idiot | 2011/03/18

100% trust, but SOMETIMES vulnerable

Hi, could you give me your opinion on the " normality"  of this? My boyfriend and i went through 2 separate situations where he hurt me really really badly. It took many sessions with a psychologist and HARD work on my part to trust again.

I am really pleased to say that I am in that position of trusting him now, but there are still times when i feel a little vulnerable (these are very rare though).

I feel a little like that at the moment, but think i am being stupid - gosh we have just bought a house together!!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Buying a house together is a BIG step of trust in someone, and may really not have been a wise step, in this situation, but much depends on the other situations, the extent of his deception and the way he caused you hurt, and his reactions to that. And that you have not revealed to us.
I don't understand why any shrink should feel it was their duty to help you trust this person again. Yes, it makes sense to help someone regain the ability to trust AT ALL, to trust people worthy of that trust. But to train someone for unconditional trust is merely to make them needlessly vulnerable.
SHouldn't it have been HIM who saw a shrink, to understand how he bahaved in that way, and to learn how not to do so ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/03/19

Buying a house together is a BIG step of trust in someone, and may really not have been a wise step, in this situation, but much depends on the other situations, the extent of his deception and the way he caused you hurt, and his reactions to that. And that you have not revealed to us.
I don't understand why any shrink should feel it was their duty to help you trust this person again. Yes, it makes sense to help someone regain the ability to trust AT ALL, to trust people worthy of that trust. But to train someone for unconditional trust is merely to make them needlessly vulnerable.
SHouldn't it have been HIM who saw a shrink, to understand how he bahaved in that way, and to learn how not to do so ?

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: Truth | 2011/03/18

2 seperate situations of lost trust and hurt!
My honest opinion is to sell the house and run as fast as possible.

Reply to Truth
Posted by: Romany | 2011/03/18

I hear what you are saying but I can promise you, once trust has been compromised, you will not trust him 100% ever again. You will always doubt ...even little things. It is human and not even the best Doctor can erase that from your memory
Best is to accept this.
You want him in your life, things have happened and you need to live with it. Only then will you find peace.
Good luck

Reply to Romany
Posted by: Dot | 2011/03/18

You had to see a psychologist because of something your partner did? Anyway you look at it, it doesn''t sound good at all Id even hazard a guess that its all a one way relationship and you arent getting what you need from him?

To have to seek mental health help as a consquence of the actions of someone who apparently loves you, doesn''t that raise any red flags?

Reply to Dot
Posted by: Realist | 2011/03/18

Gee that does NOT sound as if the prospects for the future are rosy. I assume you were hurt mentally which is as bad if not worse that physical abuse. Bruises heal but that mental bruise stays with you forever. Mental abuse is a horrible, cowardly way of punishing someone to bring them to heel, likewise regards the physical abuse but secret and coldly calculated that leaves no marks.
Any form of abuse is a deal breaker from the start and once a person displays that trait, it will surface again and again. If I were you I would take some time out to have a long look at the relationship and then decide if you want to risk it again for how many years until you have had enough. You have to have a good clinic al look at it and cast emotion aside. Buying the house together was not a good idea, believe me.

Reply to Realist

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