Publications
Partners
Estate agent speak is a whole separate language, designed to baffle and mislead. Susan Erasmus has put together a quick guide for first-time home buyers. Go nowhere without this.
It's a very good time to buy a house. There are no other buyers out there, because they have all had their bond applications turned down. Furthermore, one sees houses languishing and growing stale on the market for months– and somewhere in the background lurks a frenzied seller who is about to have his car, his home and his wife repossessed. Now is the time to make a cheeky offer.
I realised just how bizarre estate agent speak was when I saw with astonishment an ad last week that was written in normal language, and it called a spade a spade. It went as follows:
Deceased estate R900 000. Solid, but tatty. 5 large rooms, attractive modern fitted kitchen, horrid but well-positioned bathroom, small back garden.
Ah – the truth at last. Now the agent who is sitting in the house doesn't have to pretend not to see the cracked tiles or the mould on the ceiling. But not all agents are like this, alas. And, yes there are some fabulous houses or flats out there. You'll know when you see them. But for the rest, do take note of the table below.
Here's a quick guide to estate agent speak:
|
What they say |
What they mean |
|
Renovated |
The lounge has been painted |
|
Just waiting for your touch |
As far as the interior is concerned, this is a no-hoper |
|
Centrally situated/convenient |
The main road and the station are 5 metres from your bedroom |
|
Character-filled |
Tatty and there's no en-suite bathroom or off-street parking |
|
Big family bathroom |
No en-suite bathroom |
|
Rich wooden floors |
Yes, after the woodborer has been exterminated |
|
Modern |
It's so small you'll be in trouble if you pick up any weight |
|
Stylish |
The kitchen is part of the lounge |
|
Happy street |
See if you can get any sleep with these neighbours |
|
Ideal student accommodation |
Tatty, but lots of bedrooms. You can pack them in |
|
Solid |
It has no cracks, but hell, it's ugly |
|
Majestic |
Double storey |
|
Priced right |
This seller is desperate and has dropped the price twice already |
|
Outside room/granny flat |
We painted the domestic quarters |
|
Will sell quickly/today |
I am holding both thumbs – I haven't sold a house in 3 months |
|
All the space you need |
Rabbit warren. There are inter-leading bedrooms |
|
Quaint/charming |
No built-in cupboards and there's an open sewerage drain/mould |
|
Plenty of parking |
The last owners just weren't gardeners |
|
Lush garden |
More than three bushes/trees |
|
Don't judge a book by its cover |
It's so ugly on the outside it made me weep |
|
Comfortable |
Built in the 1970s. There's slasto cladding on the chimney |
|
Outside entertainment area |
Stoep and a braai |
|
Lock-up- and- go |
No garden at all |
|
Investment |
You sure wouldn't want to live in it yourself |
|
Villa |
It costs more than R4million |
|
Sought after |
It's 20% more expensive than the surrounding properties |
|
Security |
There are burglar bars – well on the front windows anyway |
|
Starter home |
It's really, really small |
|
Within walking distance of |
If you have enough time, anything is within walking distance |
|
Low maintenance |
Facebrick |
|
Partial sea view |
If you stand on a chair and look through a pair of binoculars |
|
Open plan |
Built after 1980 |
|
Designer kitchen |
We added R40 000 onto the price |
|
Great tenant |
He doesn't want to move - ever |
|
Fairytale garden |
Overgrown, but can be saved |
|
Historic |
Characterful, but there's no plumbing |
|
Peace and quiet |
It's so isolated you're bound to get a bit jumpy |
|
Carport |
No garage |
|
Good flow |
The previous owner knocked all the walls out downstairs |
|
Tucked away |
The plot isn't level |
|
Rustic |
All the windows need to be redone and the electrics are lethal |
|
Renovator's dream |
This place is a bottomless pit |
|
WFH |
No one ever uses the domestic quarters anymore. |
(Susan Erasmus, Health24, June 2011)
